The Choices We Make
by Mary-Ann
Summary: Saitou-Tokio. During the Bakumatsu, the wolf meets his soul mate. Written from Tokio’s POV. COMPLETE
1. Tokio Takagi

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Disclaimer: I do not own, in any way, Rurouni Kenshin. Watsuki-sama does. I'm only borrowing the characters for a while.

I've been planning to write a Saito/Tokio fic for long time. I did some historical research and I worked a lot in order to obtain this plot. So, I'm truly happy to finally start posting this. 

I'd like to advise you that this is a violent/drama story. It's absolutely not a comedy. Don't say I did not warn you… Also, note that this chapter is only the prologue and that the real story starts in the next one.

One more thing, English is not my first language. In everyday life I speak French. I'm doing my best here, but some mistakes may still be ahead.

On with the first chapter.

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Chapter 1 – Tokio Takagi

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Kyoto, 1867

Kyoto's streets were crowded with people: passers-by, women shopping, men returning home after their workday. To the eyes of a stranger, this could have looked like a normal day in a normal city. But it was not.

The Shinsengumi and the Ishinshishi were now engaged in a final battle, a battle that had cost the lives of many innocents and not-so-innocents peoples. The outcome of this battle was still uncertain but, to many, it was clear that after years of constant fighting the end would soon come.

In that crowd, a woman could be seen. That woman looked quite odd, standing still while everyone was hurrying in order to escape the constant menace of the war. But there she was, judging the situation. A few people took the time to cast a quick glance at her, wondering what a woman alone, with a sword, could do there. To them, she seemed to be quite different from the women they used to see in everyday life.

***

I am the woman in that crowd. I am Tokio Takagi, daughter of Kojuurou Takagi, an Aizu official.

Indeed, I am different. Passers-by have every right to say so. I was never part of the crowd. Always apart, standing still when everyone was moving, moving when everyone was standing still. Unlike most of Kyoto's inhabitants, I do not fear the Ishinshishi or the Miburo: I want to play an active role in their battle.

Now, I am enjoying my last few moments of peace before I officially start my life as a "swordsman". Sensing the pulse of Kyoto, feeling the fear in the eyes of the inhabitants, I am now sure, more than ever, than I made the right choice. I have to be part of the conflict. In order to bring some peace in this trouble country, this all have to come to an end. 

Over the past few years, I have regretted not being able to follow my convictions earlier. The convictions I shared with my brother Asaki. Over the past few years, I had missed him dearly. Banned by our father because of their difference of believes, Asaki had to leave the family, change his name and continue living like if he did not had a past.

But now, here he was, coming toward me at the exact meeting time.

"Asaki!"

"Tokio! It's nice to finally see you! Hope you didn't had too much problems on your way from Aizu to Kyoto."

"Some… but here I am now!"

Asaki continued in a now more serious tone.

"How's mom? How did she took this?"

"She still hasn't recovered from father's death. She's just acting like a ghost. A mere image of what she was before. It's been two months and there is still no sign of improvement. When I told her I would leave for Kyoto in order to join you, she only nodded. That proves how affected she is, considering all the fuss she made about your own departure."

"Yes… I wish I could have been there for father's funeral. Even if father and I had different opinions, I still loved him very much and I am truly affected by his death. But, I'm still unwelcome in our family… And you? How do you feel about this?"

"Pretty much the same. But, I feel relieved at the same time. His death permitted me to escape a life I didn't want. And I also feel ashamed of the fact that I feel relieved."

"Life wasn't easy for you after I left…"

"No, it wasn't. Since then, I have been considered their only child. Everything changed in the way father and mother raised me. Also, they didn't trust me anymore. They had learned their lesson with you and didn't want to repeat what were, to them, mistakes."

"I supposed that you had to give up hanging around in dojos, fighting and behaving mostly like a tomboy."

"You're quite right," I said, with a sad smile. "I suddenly had to become the perfect traditional Japanese daughter. Wearing kimonos, learning all there is to learn about tea ceremony…"

"I suppose that they did not succeed…"

"On the surface, they did. They even manage to engage me to the son of one of the other Aizu's officials. Some people would even have said that I looked refined. But, deep inside, I didn't change. No matter how much they had tried to fundamentally change me, to mold me in something I was not, they could never have succeeded. "

"So, here you are with me in Kyoto… hope your fiancé was not to heartbroken…"

"I don't know. I didn't tell him I was going to leave." I said with a sadistic smile.

As we were approaching a private house, Asaki stopped walking and announced.

"Wait here for a while. I have to talk to the man living there. Be discrete, I don't want him to see you…"

"Of course," I said while I watched Asaki going away. 

Two years had passed since I had last seen him. Two hard years. Asaki had always been more than a brother to me. He was a model. My parents had tried to erase the influence he had on me, but for that, it would take more than promises of a life among the high society… No one could stop the fire burning in me… 

"Let me go!"

I suddenly stopped daydreaming to look around. A quarrel was taking place near by. Some Miburo were engaged in a fight with a young man. 

I watched the members of the Shinsengumi encircling him, trapping him, slicing him, taking his life away. In less than a minute, it was over. The fight was over and the man's life was over.

I had felt the urge to stop them. My desire to fight was so strong and that scene had looked so unfair. Many against one… The man had been pleading and begging for his life. But, I couldn't have done anything for the poor man. Not now. Not until tomorrow.

The Shinsengumi… Today, still a force supposed to protect me, tomorrow the enemy.

Last month, after the death of my father, I had decided that I would join Asaki and the Ishishishi in their attempt to bring a new era. An era of peace. An era where everyone would equally stand and would equally be judged. 

I went against my father's wish and my mother's begging to finally achieve what I had always wanted to do. I did not felt that I had betrayed my family's interest: to me, no interest could be held in helping the Shogunate and the reign it had impose to this country. [1]

Of course, I did not thought that this could be easily done. I would have to fight and be strong. But to live accordingly to my beliefs, nothing was impossible. Nothing.

Feeling that I was being observed, I focused on the presence in my back. Yes, someone had been watching me for a while. Someone was looking at me, studying me carefully, trying to read my thoughts. I turned around to face the stranger and my eyes met a pair of cold amber ones… Our gazes remained locked. I felt very troubled by those eyes looking at me, those eyes observing me, those eyes searching in my soul.

Time seemed to stop until a voice called out.

"Saito-san! We can go now."

"Sure Okita." answered the man. He cast me a last glance, accompanied by a small smirk. That done, the man slowly went away, following the one named Okita. I had the feeling that this would not be our last meeting. 

Small cold amber eyes, sharp features, tall and powerful man. And most of all: a light blue haori showing clearly that he was a Miburo.

Saitou, Okita… I recalled their names. They seemed strangely familiar… 

But more than names, I recalled the force of that man, Saitou. He had a strange power on me. Under his gaze, I could not move, I could practically hardly breathe. I felt that this man was dangerous but I did not felt fear. I felt fascination...

A hand on my arm disrupted my thoughts. I quickly turned around, reaching for my sword, getting ready to face whoever it was.

"Tokio! It's only me, Asaki … I thought you said that mom and dad had finally show you some manners over the last two years!"

"Sorry… I wasn't paying attention." I answered.

"I can see that!" Answered Asaki. He continued on a more serious tone " The man I went to see is in charge of the recruitment for the Chosu clan. Tomorrow, you will go see him. Remember the location of this house."

"Okay."

"Did you manage to maintain your fighting skills during those two years?"

"Yes… I think so… But, I think more training could only do me good."

"Maybe. But if your fighting skills did not deteriorate, you should not worry too much about this. I had no problems getting through my first fights… Right now, just as you arrived in Kyoto, you should more concentrate on not blowing your cover: you have to be careful. As soon as you get dress, we are supposed to be the Nakane's brothers… "

"Asaki and Takeru Nakane… I know…"

"Before you can come and join me in the headquarters, I took a room for you in a small inn near by. You can almost see it from where we are… There, you see?"

"Yes."

"I will now leave you. Hope to see you soon in the headquarters." Said Asaki as I thought that, next time we would see each other, my life would be totally different… 

Asaki took a few steps forward, but suddenly stopped to address me a last comment.

"You should be more careful about where you set your feet. Once you become an Ishinshishi, you should avoid the captains of the 1st and 3rd troops of the Shinsengumi. They will not always be as gentle as they were this afternoon…"

To be continued

General comments

In this chapter, Tokio sees the Bakumatsu through her brother's eyes. In the past, he had a strong influence on her and her ideas are mostly his. 

Again, note that this is only the prologue, so there is not much action in this chapter. I thought that it was important to clearly set the background of the story before the action actually starts. And next chapter will be longer. 

Notes

[1] The district of Aizu was the sponsor of the Shinsengumi and Tokio's father was one of Aizu's official. It would then have been very unlikely that Tokio's parents supported the Ishinshishi and not the Shinsengumi.

À la prochaine!

Mary-Ann


	2. A new beginning

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Disclaimer : I do not own, in any way, Rurouni Kenshin. Watsuki-sama does. I'm only borrowing his characters for a while.

Here is chapter 2. I'm afraid that this story is moving a bit slowly, but I really don't want to rush things up.

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Chapter 2 – A new beginning

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Next morning, I arrived at the house Asaki had mentioned: I had to meet the man in charge of recruiting. I knocked at the door and waited for a response. A small middle-age man arrived looked at me suspiciously.

"What can I do for you?"

"I'm Takeru Nakane, sir. I've been told to come here in order to meet you"

"Nakane… Asaki Nakane's younger brother?"

"That's correct." 

Dressed in man's clothes, no one could ever figure out that I was in fact a woman. They never called me a tomboy for nothing. At most, they would think that I'm a bit delicate, fragile. 

Years of training, hanging around in dojo's with my brother's friends finally paid of: the Ishinshishi clan would have never allowed a woman to fight with them.

"Glad to finally see you, boy! Asaki had announced your arrival. Your brother said that you are skilled with the sword, but I didn't think that you were this young…"

In answer to this comment, I only slightly smiled. The absence of beard and the voice was, as always, only accounted on young age. If the man knew that I was in fact 21 years old…

"I'll lead you to the headquarters. Most of us stay there undercover. It is in fact supposed to be an inn."

The man was waiting for my approval. I slightly nodded.

"There you will meet Katsura. He is the head chef. He is rarely here in Kyoto and he habitually delegates the selection of new comers, but as you are Asaki's brother, he wanted to meet you personally."

Another pause. I nodded once again.

"If he accepts you in our troop, you'll first have to do small assignments. If you deal successfully with these, they'll give you more and more responsibilities, like your brother who is now in charge of a whole unit."

As we walked, it went on like this: him giving me some tips, me nodding from time to time. We finally reached the headquarters. From outside, it looked like any Kyoto's inn.

"I'm sorry sir, but do the Shinsengumi know about this place?"

"Hum… We are not sure. We change headquarter from time to time, just in case."

I remained silent for a while, thinking about all this new information. I hadn't noticed that we were now standing in front of a shouji.

"Boy?"

I quickly returned my attention to the man. 

"Wait here, I'll go see if Katsura can see you now."

I wasn't nervous about this meeting, but I've felt better before. I was hearing some voices behind the shouji, in the room were the man had gone. I couldn't hear all the conversation but I could still catch some words here and there … _Nakane_… _young_… _fragile_… 

Nothing to reassure me.

Then, the shouji was pushed aside and the man in charge of recruiting stepped out of the room.

"You can go in, it's your turn, boy." He said, giving me a warm smile.

I took a few steps forward and glanced at the room in front of me. In the middle of it stood a man: Katsura. I heard the shouji being closed behind me. We were now alone, and this would determine my destiny.

Katsura didn't move for a while. He was carefully studying me. Judging me, trying to determine if I was strong enough, both physically and mentally, for the job awaiting me. 

Katsura himself didn't seem that strong. Clearly, he wasn't used to fight. He was taking decisions, ordering people around but throughout the conflict his own hands had remained clean. [1]

Finally, Katsura spoke up.

"Why did you choose the Chosu clan?"

"Sir, I believe that a better future is awaiting Japan. I want to fight for that belief along with the Ishishishi. I chose the Chosu clan because, unlike the Satsuma clan, you allow every man to join without considering if they are or not samurai." [2]

"Your brother said that you are quite skilled. Did you learned the sword at the same school he did?"

"Yes, sir."

Katsura remained silent for a while, thinking. Then, he said.

"You remind me a lot of your brother when he first came here two years ago. I first thought that his fighting style wasn't strong enough. Despite of this, I let him join the Chosu clan. He had a strong will to win and that is what permitted him to survive his few first fights. However he quickly realized that willpower would not always be enough and so he started improving his style."

Katsura then paused in order to let me understand the full meaning of his words. I would have to improve my style too if I wanted to survive the Bakumatsu and take an active part in the battle.

"Finally, he turned out to be one of our most skilled men and today, I can let him handle some of the most important missions. Hiring him had been a risky gamble, but a good one. As you are from the same blood, I'm ready to repeat this gamble once again and give you your chance."

"Thank you sir."

"You should not thank me: this is going to be difficult. Your life is going to revolve around a short, but complex, paradox: to kill or to be killed. Most of the time, you won't understand why you have to do the assignments under your responsibility. You will see a lot of your comrades die along the way. If you are anything like your brother, you should be able to deal with the pressure, but it will still remain difficult." 

As he paused, I thought that, as hard as it may seems and as hard as it may be, I would be able to deal with this. I could give up my peaceful nights of sleep in order to build a better Japan. 

"I think that you already know that, at first, you will have to achieve only simple tasks. If you perform well with these, you'll soon have a more important role in our organization. If the talent is not there, you'll just go on with these little jobs. If you fail repeatedly, we won't need your services anymore. Is that clear?"

"Yes sir."

"Well then, Takeru Nakane, I just have to welcome you into the Chosu clan. You'll be staying in your brother's room as we don't have much free space. You'll receive your first assignment soon enough."

He accompanied these last words with a small head bow enjoining me to leave the room. I bowed deeply, in respect, before doing so. 

***

Finally in my room, I slowly recalled the day's events. After my meeting with Katsura, I had been introduced to most of the headquarters' inhabitants. Of course they had all welcome me in the most appropriate manner, but they were also a bit distant. Clearly, I was still not one of them.

I knew that I would have to prove myself in order to change this. My first assignment would be a good start. I was looking forward to it. 

I was still analyzing the last events when Asaki came the room.

"Seeing you here, Tokio, I imagine that you were accepted in the Chosu clan."

"Yes, for now… I still have to prove myself…"

"You'll do great, I'm sure of it." Quickly replied Asaki, smiling.

"Probably… " 

I was thinking about Katsura's remarks on our fighting style. I had learned that Asaki's debuts in the Ishinshishi had not been as smooth and as easy as he had told me. Why? Why had he tried to mask the truth? Hadn't he realized that I would have to improve my style too if I wanted to survive? It would have been wiser to have warned me about this before.

I watched Asaki as he unfolded his futon. He looked very tired and exhausted. The day must have been a tough one. As much as I wanted to question him about the weaknesses of our fighting style, I tried not to. Tomorrow…

"I think it's time we get some sleep." I said, instead.

"Hum" simply replied Asaki, already practically asleep.

***

The next morning, I woke up early, but not early enough. Asaki was already gone. I would have to wait before I could ask him advices about how to improve my fighting style.

I dressed up quickly, bounding my breast with new bandages, putting on my swordsman outfit, tying my hair in a high ponytail as many used to do these days. 

On my way downstairs, I met Shinsaku Takasugi. He had been presented to me yesterday, along with the others. I remembered that rumors were saying that he would soon die from tuberculosis. But I also remembered that he was an influent man in the Chosu organization. [3]

I bowed politely. He then said.

"Nakane-san, I would like to see you briefly after your breakfast. Please come and meet me in my room, I think it's time for your first assignment."

"Yes, sir." I said, bowing even more deeply.

I headed toward the kitchen very quickly and grabbed the first comestible thing I could see. I regretted the fact that I did not had the time to improve my fighting style. It could have been useful, but I would have to do without it.

Before I knew it, I was in front of what I remembered being Takasugi's room. I knocked carefully. As I heard his reply, I went in.

"You sit down."

"Yes, sir."

"You shouldn't be so formal: no one is. Simply call me Takasugi." He said, smiling.

I simply smiled back waiting for him to began, to explain what I would have to do.

"As you probably know, generally the first task isn't a great challenge. However, Katsura trust you and think that you may turn out to be one of our best men. So, we decided to give you something a little more important in order to test your skills as soon as possible. Your assignment is very important to us and you'll have to handle the case seriously and give your best."

I nodded in order to let him know that I understood this perfectly and that I would always give my best.

"We think that one of Kyoto's officials, Izumo Murasaki, supports the Shinsengumi. And more than verbally as his bodyguards sometimes fight along with the Shinsengumi. Therefore, Murasaki is on our wanted list. Normally, hitokiris handle such matters but, as Murasaki has a lot of personal bodyguards, one man alone could not achieve this task."

As he paused, I nodded again. Satisfied by the fact that I seemed to understand, he then continue.

"Before we can actually conduct a proper attack, we have to gather more precise information about Murasaki's bodyguards."

I was beginning to realize what he wanted from me. It really wasn't a task normally assigned to a newcomer: it was a real test. Not based on fighting skills but on more important abilities.

"We want you to gather this information for us. We'll give you three days as we intend to neutralize him in four days. We can't wait much longer. You realize that the more precise your information will be, the more efficient our attack will be. If you can't find anything, we'll just have to blindly attack."

"I perfectly understand. I'll do my best."

"Of course, we don't want to alert Murasaki as we're going to conduct a surprise attack. So, try to avoid fights and be as discrete as possible. Also, you'll have to be careful: you don't want to be identified as an Ishinshishi. Now, no one knows that you're with us. This is a clear advantage for you and you will want to keep it as long as possible." 

He paused for a while before giving me some tips for my assignment.

"As Murasaki lives in the northern district you may want to investigate there. Try to bound with some locals over there, they generally talk a lot…"

"It will be handled as you say…" I said, preparing to leave.

Takasugi smiled at me and said

"I'm starting to think that Katsura is right and that you have potential. I'm looking forward to your report."

***

I was now ready to leave the headquarters in order to investigate. 

I could easily go unnoticed dressed as a woman. No one would suspect me this way and there was no risk that the mission would not be compromised. Also, like this, it would be easier to get information. 

Before I could actually go there, I had to wait until there was no one around: I could not afford being seen dressed as a woman. My room was on the second floor, but it was easy to come and go using the window. During the day, I would have to be careful, but at night, it would be very easy. 

I would bring a small dagger hidden in my obi, for protection. I would probably not have to use it, but I felt safer like this. 

Once in the northern district, I would try to bind with some locals as Takasugi had said. If I was lucky, they might know some things about Murasaki or they might introduce me to others who knew more. If I wasn't lucky, I would still have two more days to come up with a better plan.

Now feeling in control of the situation, I quickly jumped of the window and landed softly in the back garden. I waited a little bit to make sure no one had seen me and then, I quickly went into the street and headed toward the northern district.

***

Two days later I had finally gather all the information we needed to conduct a successful surprise attack. Everything had gone well in the northern district and no one would ever suspect me. 

The first day, I had succeeded in going in and out the headquarters without being noticed. Unfortunately, when I came back tonight, someone saw me. But, there was a good chance the man was just a passerby, as I had never seen him before. Red hair. If I had seen him before, I would have remembered…

I changed clothes and identity, once again, and soon headed toward Takasugi's room to give him my final report. I pause and before I could even manifest my presence, the shouji was opened and Takasugi was standing right in front of me as surprise as I was.

"Nakane-san! I wasn't expecting you before 24 hours."

"Well, here I am and with the results of my investigation."

"Very well… sit down and explain…" said Takasugi, clearly taken aback.

"Murasaki have ten bodyguards. Most of them are ninjas, but not very skilled ones. However, three of the bodyguards are sword fighters and quite skilled one. They come from samurai families and they are the ones sometime used by the Shinsengumi. Murasaki pays them _very_ generously and that is why, in a time where skilled samurais could fight along with important organization and gain some power or notoriety, they remain with Murasaki."

"I see… do you have anything more?"

"Yes. Generally, the ninjas do two patrolling tours around the mansion at night. One around ten o'clock and one around two o'clock. The swordsmen don't go out and stay in their room, on the second floor. Their services are only required when something important happens. The rest of the time, the ninjas stay in a room on the first floor where lights are on all night long. That is as much as I know."

"Nakane-san… That is very good work… Katsura was damn right about you: you have brain."

I smiled shyly under the compliment while Takasugi went on.

"Now, take some rest with the other boys downstairs… We will see each other again in two days when we're going to attack Murasaki's mansion. I want you there."

"Thank you." I said before leaving. I went downstairs to follow Takasugi's advice. I could enjoy small talks and some sake…

The others were now a little friendlier with me now that I had apparently succeeded my first mission. I was beginning to be a little more drunk that I should be and I started to really appreciate life in the headquarters.

As I poured myself another cup of sake, my attention was caught by a glimpse of red hair. It was him…. It was the man who had witnessed me dressed as a woman. He was sitting in a dark corner of the room, alone, not joining the festivities.

I froze as I looked at his eyes. Cold. Almost inhuman. 

There were signs of recognizance in his eyes. No doubt he had made the link between the woman entering the headquarters by a window and the "man" now in front of him. I had too remarkable features such an attentive gaze would not fail to recognize. Tall, blue-gray eyes, long dark hair and a delicate face hiding a strong determination.

I continued watching him, waiting for him to say something. But, he only got up and slowly left the room. 

I had understood clearly the last glance he had cast me: for now, he would not give me away but would keep a close look on my actions.

I would have to ask Asaki about that strange man…

***

When I returned in our room, Asaki was there. I hadn't seen him in two days as his current mission seemed to be quite demanding. I could feel, at his slow movements, that he was exhausted. Even more than the last time I had seen him. 

"So, Tokio, I heard that your first mission was successful. The head chefs are very pleased. They think that they'll soon give you more responsibilities. But for now, you should just get a good night of sleep: you must also be tired."

"You looked quite tired yourself"

"Yeah…" said Asaki smiling faintly "I'm presently investigating about some killings. Recently, some of our best men were slaughter by someone yet unidentified. We are trying to set traps in order to discover who he is and maybe stop him. So we just wait for the right moment, ambushed in the most dark and narrow streets of all."

"That case looks interesting."

"Yes, interesting, but also tiring." 

"So, did you found out anything so far?"

"No… But, if you are interested in the case, maybe I could ask that you be one of the few men accompanying me on this mission. You won't have to do much, but it will give you the opportunity to see how we handle this."

"I would love to."

"Then, I'll ask Takasugi's permission tomorrow… Good night."

"Good night!"

I then remembered the fighting skills issue. Normally, I would have waited until the morning before asking Asaki more details about it, but with the amount of sake I had drank previously, I felt the urge to ask him now.

"Asaki?"

"Hummm?"

"Katsura told me that your fighting skills were inappropriate when you joined the Ishinshishi… Why haven't you warn me about my fighting skills earlier?"

"Only not to alarm you, Tokio. You would have found out soon enough…"

"But, wouldn't it have been wiser to warn me, instead of trying to protect me from the truth? I could have used my spare time training in order to improve myself."

"Maybe… well, it's never too late. We'll do some training in the morning and we'll see what we can do… Good night…"

I was only half satisfied with Asaki's answer and still, I knew nothing about the strange red hair man…

"Asaki?"

"Hummm?"

"Who is the man with red hair and a crossed scar on his left cheek?"

"Only… the… battousai" slowly answered Asaki in his half-sleeping state.

***

I had been training for the last two hours. Mostly trying to add some defensive moves in my fighting style.

"Concentrate, your defense is still wide open on your left side!" said the man helping me.

When Asaki had said that "we" would improve my style in the morning he had meant me and a friend who had previously help him with is own fighting skills. Asaki had left right after he had introduced us. I was starting to get used to this by now. Since I had come to live in the headquarters, we had exchange 15 sentences at most. He had more important things to do than take care of his little sister.

"Got you!" said the man breaking my lame defense.

Yes, I really had to do something about this. It was worse than I had previously thought. In the dojo where I trained in Aizu, I was no match for most of the other students but here, in Kyoto, it was a different story…

"Your fighting style is really good in offense, but, when it's time to defend yourself, it leaves wide openings. It was the same thing with Asaki when he first came here. That opening on your left was one of them and unfortunately still is. It's the only thing we could never improve, although it should have been easy. But, then again, maybe we failed to improve this only because Asaki is too stubborn to listen to my advice. I should be a little more successful with you."

"Instead of talking behind my back, I would very much like it if you would leave Takeru and me alone for a while." Said Asaki, appearing in the training room.

I could sense that Asaki was hurt by the comments on his defense skills. More hurt than necessary. The subject seemed to be very touchy. Probably why he hadn't warn me about all of this. Things suddenly began to make more sense. 

Once alone, Asaki began to speak.

"Tokio, I've talked to Takasugi and it's okay. You can join us on our mission tonight. Until then, you are free to do whatever you want. You had enough training for today…"

***

We had been in a small street for the past three hours, waiting. Some of Asaki's men were standing in the middle of the street to catch the killer's attention while the rest of us were hidden in the shadows waiting with Asaki for something to happen.

But nothing was happing. This waiting game was beginning to get on my nerves. I enjoyed action and this was nothing like it. I would probably come back to the headquarters suffering from sleep deprivation and profound boredom. 

We waited a bit more. Just, as I was beginning to nearly fall asleep, I heard footsteps. Maybe that, after all, something was indeed going to happen. 

A human form slowly emerged from the darkness. An armed man surrounded by an aura of pure madness. From where we were, we could now clearly see him.He wasn't a Shinsengumi as he had no uniform. We could not identify who he really was.

Asaki then said.

"I think it's him. We finally have visual contact with our killer."

In the street, not to far from the killer, the other men in of our group did not seem to be aware of his presence. Seeing that his men were in danger, Asaki got on his feet and started heading toward the killer.

"Stay here unless I command you to join the fight. I'm the one in charge, I'm the one who should handle this."

Distracted by the newcomer, the killer stopped in his attempt to reach the small group of swordsmen. He had felt that Asaki was a more serious opponent and somewhat of a challenge. He smiled evilly while they looked at each other for a while. 

Suddenly, they both started attacking. Rapidly realizing the lacks in Asaki's defense, the killer took advantage of the opening on Asaki's left side. He quickly slashed him while Asaki missed his target. Asaki fell on his knees from the pain. 

The rumors were true: this killer was very skilled, but I still trusted my brother: he would get up, fight and win. I knew he could do it. Yes, Asaki was wounded, but he could not be defeated that easily.

I watched the killer. He was standing behind Asaki who, still under the shock of the pain, did not seemed to be aware of the menace. The killer started to drew his sword in order to launch another attack. Panicked, I started to run toward them. I had to stop this. I couldn't let this happen.

Before I could even reach them, the killer slashed Asaki in the back almost cutting his body in two parts.

From the amount of blood and the way Asaki's body lied in the street, I knew that this was the end. 

Asaki was dead.

To be continued

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General comments

Yes, I know, Saitou was not part of this chapter. As they are fighting on opposite sides, I thought that it would be very unlikely that they met every now and then. But, don't worry, he'll play a role in the next chapter and soon the story will more revolve around him 

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Notes

[1] Kogoro Katsura was the Chosu clan's head chef and was considered as one of the three most important men of the Ishinshishi's organization. He was a swordsman but never played an active in the battles and never killed any man. For that reason, many called him a coward. 

[2] During the Bakumatsu most clans would only accept fighters coming from samurai families. The two Ishinshishi's clan had different opinions on the subject. Satsuma clan was only allowing samurais to join in but Chosu would accept anyone who was skilled enough. That is probably why Kenshin joined Chosu as he comes from a peasant family and his not a samurai.

[3] Shinsaku Takasugi was one of Katsura's right hand men. He died of tuberculosis in 1867 without seeing the end of the Bakumatsu. 

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To the reviewers

Special thanks to JadeGoddess, Sharai Darekin, Inferno, L. Sith, Mara, Kamorgana and Leila Winters, who took the time to review this story. (^-^)

À la prochaine!

Mary-Ann


	3. Losses

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Disclaimer: I do not own, in any way, Rurouni Kenshin. Watsuki-sama does. I'm only borrowing his characters for a while.

This is probably one of the darkest chapters of the whole story. Some may say that, for now, I'm a little bit harsh on the poor Tokio but this will allow her to gradually change her mind about some things and start thinking on her own (and not just follow Asaki's point of view as she did before…). Just keep in mind that better days are ahead…

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Chapter 3 – Losses

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Pain.

That was all I could feel as I rushed toward the killer to take revenge. Behind me, some of Asaki's men emerged from the darkness, wanting to kill their leader's assassin. 

Seeing that he was clearly outnumbered, the killer ran away, going back into the shadows as fast as he had came. 

In an attempt to stop him, to make him pay for what he had done, I followed him. I followed the distant silhouette who was moving way faster than I was. We were going farther and farther. Sometimes, I practically lost his track, but I went running. I had to.

"Wait! Come back and fight!"

The rest of the troop had tried to follow me for a while but had soon stop, seeing that this was non-sense and sensing that I had to be left alone with my pain.

And now, indeed I was alone. In the narrow street where I had ended, there were no signs of the killer, no signs of the other men. It was only me, my pain and the darkness. Sensing my energy slowly decreasing, I stopped. I stopped running. 

Alone in the middle of the darkness, I suddenly realised the extent of Asaki's death. Asaki… Thinking of him, tears began to fall. Small tears first but they fast turned into a real deluge. 

From the moment I was born to this day, Asaki had always been there for me. I had admired his strength, I had respected his ideas, I had shared his opinions and I had followed his beliefs. He had been my model, the light that had guided me in tormented moments. The possibility that I might, one day, join him in the Ishinshishi had made bearable the two years he stayed far away from me. 

The thought that I would finally be able to go to Kyoto and see Asaki again had smooth the pain of my father's death. But now… now that Asaki's was dead too, the feelings I had long ignored after my father's death were now coming back to the surface. I was now crying for two deaths.

Under the more and more persistent pain, I kneeled in the middle of the street. It had started raining, but I didn't care. I was almost unaware of the elements surrounding me. 

My whole life was falling apart and the only clear thought that I could form contained the word vengeance.

***

A ray of sunshine awoke me. I wasn't feeling much better, but my mind was now clearer. I looked around and noticed that I had slept right in the middle of the street, under the rain. My clothes and my hair were covered with mud. My eyes were burning from the tears. I must have look like a real mess.

I stretched and quickly got up on my feet. I looked around only to discover that I was in a very remote district of the city. I had run much more than I had thought last night. 

The city was still asleep. I headed back really fast to the headquarters before anyone could see me like this. Walking I started having the feeling that I had failed. No one had actually told me that I had to protect Asaki or end the killer's life, but I felt like if I had to. And I had failed…

Unlike last night, my thoughts were clear, but the idea of revenge was still strong. Not only revenge for Asaki, but also revenge for all the ones who had already been killed by this man and for all the ones who would been killed by this man. 

One day, I would find him and I would stop him. I would stop this madness and really contribute to build a better Japan.

I was now in front of the headquarters. I quickly headed toward the backyard. I climbed to reach my room's window: no one needed to see me in this state. Once in my room, the consequences of Asaki's death on my own life hit me once again. The place was empty. In the last days, Asaki had not been there much, but it had been his room before it was mine. Now, he would not use it anymore. 

All of his things were still in the room. Everything reminded me of Asaki. Of his likes and dislikes. Of the moments we had shared together. 

I would not be able to live surrounded by these. I slowly picked every object belonging to Asaki and put them in the corridor. The memories I had in my mind were sufficient and someone would fing a better use for these. Once done, the room was now more bearable but I felt emptier. 

I started changing clothes and I headed toward the bathhouse. Only there, submerge by the hot water, did I finally found a little bit of comfort.

***

"Nakane-san!… Nakane-san! … Takeru Nakane!"

I was on my way back to my room when Takasugi called me. As I still wasn't used to my new name, I hadn't reacted at his first call.

"Yes?"

"I would like to speak to you… about your brother, Asaki… Could you come in my room?"

I nodded and followed him. 

"We brought back Asaki's body. As he was one of our best men, we are going to have a small ceremony later on today. Nothing much: we have to be discrete."

"I understand."

"We are still planning that attack at Murasaki's house tonight. I know you were supposed to be part of it. However, if you don't want to and prefer to rest, it's okay…"

"I truly thank you for the offer, but I would prefer staying busy than being left alone with my thoughts."

"I see… It must be quite hard for you…"

I really needed someone to share my feelings with. But as much as I wanted to tell Takasugi the whole truth about what this really meant to me, how Asaki had play an important role in my life, I tried not to. It wasn't time to act childish and reveal things I would regret later. I was alone here.

"I'm alright. I'll live through this. You don't have to worry too much." I said 

"I'm glad that you feel that way. But if you change your mind, you can still cancel tonight's operation whenever you want."

I smiled to thank him once more. As I was ready to leave the room, Takasugi stopped me.

"Nakane-san… I know that you might want to blame yourself for Asaki's death, but you shouldn't. A lot of our best men were killed by that man. He is very skilled and there are good chances you would not have been able to stop him or to defeat him. As you are much more useful alive than death, stop thinking about revenge."

I only looked at him shocked. How could he have known…

"We will still be looking for him. We'll try to learn who he is and who he works for. However, as we have seen his face, he might be a little more discrete from now on. Stopping him might take time, but don't worry, we'll come to it. However, I want you to stay out of this. You would be to emotional about this. Is that clear?"

"Yes, it is."

"Good. You can leave now." 

I would do as he had ordered. He was my superior and I had to obey. But deep down, I knew that it would be difficult. I would not forget what had just happened. And I knew that, if the man killed people in the back, than he wasn't that strong. I could defeat him…

***

I really don't know how I got through the small ceremony planned for Asaki. I was still under the shock of his death and here we were, ready to bury him. Everything was going fast as we didn't have much time to follow traditions. 

"My apologies Nakane-san. Your brother was an honourable and brave man, you ought to be proud of him."

Another stranger's condolences, another bow. The same scene over and over again. Everyone was telling me practically the same empty words. 

"Your brother is a great loss for the Chosu clan. He was brave. My apologies."

No one had anything more to say to me. 

Strangers. The small crowd was filled with strangers The clan Asaki had consider his own wasn't even crying for his death. No one had cared enough to remember something more personal about him. A brave swordsman, an honourable man. That was all. No one here could even say how a good friend he was They regretted the lost of Asaki's fighting skills but not the lost of the man himself. 

I closed my eyes and started thinking about how Asaki had given his life for the Chosu clan and how they were rewarding him now. I was the only one who really cared about him.

I thought of how everything had pushed Asaki on this path. The path he had freely chosen over his own family. Soon, he would become a ghost of the past. His actions would not be remembered by anyone.

If I died in this war, probably no one would regret me neither. And along with me would die the last person who had stay true to the memory of Asaki…

I don't know how much time I spent lost in my thoughts, but when I opened my eyes again, I was alone in the room. 

Relieved about the fact that that this masquerade was finally over, I went in my room and put my training outfit. Finally, I would be able to canalise my energy.

***

We were in Murasaki's garden, waiting patiently for the right time to attack. We could see the seven ninjas through their room's window on the first floor. We observed them carefully, slowly judging their fighting skills.

Yes, the ninjas didn't looked skilled, but they had the advantage of being on their own field. There also were the three swordsmen, reputed to be a match for many. We could only count on the surprise effect.

2 o'clock. 

As planned, the ninjas began their second patrolling tour of the evening. We saw a group of four ninjas coming out of the house. The other three seemed to be staying in the house in order to patrol there. The four ninjas began to head toward different directions of the garden. 

I looked around to check on the other Ishinshishi members, but I couldn't see them in the darkness. We had gathered 20 men for this operation alone and they were all hidden in five small group of four. We clearly outnumbered the four ninjas. 

The first round would probably be an easy one.

Some battle sounds could now be heard in another part of the garden. Soon enough, it stopped: the fight was over. In the dark, I hadn't seen anything, but I presume that there were only three ninjas left. 

Alarmed by the noise, I saw one of the other ninjas run toward the direction from which it had come from. The other two ninjas did not seem to be aware of the events as they were on the opposite side of the house.

We waited a bit more in the dark. And a bit more.

As a saw a silhouette heading toward us, I looked at my three companions. We were all among the less experimented members of the Chosu clan, but I saw, as I looked at their faces, that they were all strongly determine to win this fight. 

The man was not too far from where we stood. He was one of the ninjas we had identified as probably being the weakest.

I had been designated as the leader of our small group, so I would be the first one facing the man. Combat would always be one on one as most of us would never tolerate wining unfairly. Hopefully, during the last two days of training, I had improved my defence a lot. It would now serve me right. 

I looked again at my three companions and they all nodded. We were ready to fight. We quickly started the attack. We fast encircled the man. Surprised, he looked at us for while before realising that I would be his opponent. Elsewhere, in the garden, I could hear again battle sounds.

He started attacking first, using a high kenpo kick. I avoided it promptly and replied with a lateral attack. He also managed to avoid it. 

As he was getting ready to execute a second similar attack, I prepared myself mentally. I would do better this time. He began to use a variant of his previous attack while, simultaneously, I used a second form of my lateral attack. A more powerful one. I still manage to avoid his kick and he still managed to avoid my attack. Only, this time, I had scratched him. Nothing much, but it was a good start.

Also, I had noticed a little opening in his style. I had to use this against him before he noticed my own defence wide opening.

The ninja started attacking me for the third time. I remained calm while he began his first move. I had now witnessed this too many times to miss my chance. I waited until his foot pratically connected with my upper body and then, I took advantage of the opening and of his unbalanced position to quickly slash him. 

Already unstable, the ninja hit the ground with a cry of pain, under the shock. I looked at the growing pool of blood surrounding the man's body. Sensing that he was in deep pain and that his life was near an end, I drew my sword once more and quickly put an end to his life. It was better like this.

For a short while, I felt the shock of having killed, for the first time, a man. But there was no time now for such thoughts. Around us, the night was silent again. The other battles seemed to be finished. 

We soon heard the signal telling us that it was time to go inside the house for the second round. There were three ninjas and three swordsmen left. We had to act fast as the others would soon, not seeing the four ninjas returning from their patrolling tour, suspect that something had gone wrong.

It had been decided that the two strongest teams would go face the three swordsmen on the second floor while the two less experimented teams would face any remaining ninjas on the first floor. When the battle would be engaged, the fifth team would start looking for Murasaki.

We headed directly toward the window of the ninja's room. The other group was already fighting two of the three ninjas. The third one was nowhere to be seen. As, apparently, the other team needed no help controlling the two ninjas, I quickly said to my companions:

"Something is wrong. One of the ninjas is missing. He should have finished his patrolling tour by now. We have to quickly find him."

Surprised, but nonetheless eager to fight, they all nodded and we started a house search. We went out of the ninja's room only to discover that it would take quite a while to inspect the entire mansion.

"If we search this house in only one team, it will take the whole night. We better head in different ways and quickly warn the others if we find something."

By suggesting that, I was going against the general order saying that we had to remain in group of four. I had already disobeyed by proposing that we started searching for the other ninja now instead of waiting for instructions. But my companions had realised that I was right, and they accepted to follow my command.

I started looking in some of the rooms on the first floor. They were all richly decorated showing Murasaki's wealth. Everything was perfectly symmetrically arranged. 

I entered another room and my attention was immediately caught by the way the occidental style curtains were nonchalantly placed. A wrinkle in a see of perfection. Somebody had used that window lately… I quickly headed toward the window and looked outside. In the garden, the last ninja was trying to escape, dragging what seemed to be Murasaki. 

They were going to escape, I had to act fast. I jumped out the window and started running toward them. Murasaki was slowing down the duo so I quickly reduced the distance between us. 

Sensing my presence behind his back the ninja turned around to face me. Thinking that he was only in front of a young boy, an amused smile appeared on his lips. I promised myself that, latter on, he would not be smiling anymore.

He took his battle stance while I did the same. Now that I had already defeated one of the ninjas, I was more confident. I fell that I would win this fight.

He started attacking me with the same technique my previous opponent had used, but with much more speed and strength. Knowing exactly what to do, I repeated the movement I had used to defeat the first ninja and… scratched him. 

Seeing that his bodyguard was hurt, Murasaki began yelling. For sure, the whole house would be alerted and soon, the other Ishinshishi would come to help me. As this was my fight and I didn't want anyone to interfere, I would have to end it soon.

I decided to use the most powerful technique I knew. Still troubled to have been scratched by a "young boy" he was not prepared for this. At the last moment, he tried to block my move, but it was too late. He collapsed on the ground while the rest of the Chosu clan's members came running toward us. They quickly neutralised Murasaki who was too shocked to move anyway. 

Behind us, the mansion was now dark and silent. The fight was over. 

***

Back in my room, I started thinking of what had just happened and a feeling of disgust submerged me. Last night, I had thought that Asaki's killer was the most evil man in the world, but were we in any way different? 

There is a difference in a loyal fight and a massacre. It is a thin line, but it is there. We had outnumbered them and the fight had been organized in a way that we would always fight four against one. Also, soon after my fight was finished, the mission's leader had killed Murasaki who could not defend himself and was not fighting back…

Suddenly, I started suspecting that the Chosu clan was not as pure and innocent as Asaki had told me. And most of all, I started wondering what kind of era could be built with blood. Could we really bring peace to a country by causing death and suffering…?

Maybe, but maybe not. I still could not form a clear opinion on the subject. But now that a doubt had crossed my mind, I would have to seek for answers.

***

Next evening, on my way downstairs, I was, once again, stopped by Takasugi. 

"Nakane-san, could I speak to you?"

"Yes, of course…"

As we made our way toward Takasugi's room, I recalled my lack of obedience: I had disobeyed a direct order saying that we had to stay in group and that we had to stick to the plan … Problems ahead…

"Nakane-san, yesterday's mission leader complained about your behaviour. He said that you went against two of his commandments. He also said that, because of this, things could rapidly have got out of hands, but luckily enough, everything ended up rightly."

"But it was the right thing to do! We had to find the ninja fast and, if we had not split, there would have been good chances that he would have succeeded escaping with Murasaki."

"I know. So that is exactly what I replied."

I was under the shock. This had to be my day.

"Nakane-san… I think that your behaviour shows that you have courage, that you have brain and that you can lead a unit… Without you, Murasaki would have escaped and the mission would have failed."

Takasugi paused to emphasis his next words.

"I've talk about this with Katsura this morning, before he left, and we both agreed: Asaki's position has been left vacant and we want you to replace him. We are both aware of the fact that you still have a lot of things to learn, but we are ready to give you your chance."

Under the shock, I could not reply. I really did not know what to think of this. Just as I was beginning to doubt the Chosu clan's actions, they were proposing me a promotion…

"But… Isn't there anyone more experimented than I am who would deserve this position better than I do?"

"We have some experimented swordsmen among us, but either they are already playing an important role, either they don't want to lead a unit or either they lack the essential qualities of a leader. You are our best choice." Said Takasugi with a convincing look.

"I'll think about it before giving you an answer."

"Of course you can think about it… But as you are already following your brother's path, we both know what your answer will be… "

For once, Takasugi was wrong. Asaki's path and mine have seemed to take different directions lately. 

"One more thing, Nakane-san. The man in charge of recruiting is in the headquarters right now. As it is quite late, and dark, I would appreciate if you would make sure he arrives safely at his house."

"It will be handled as you want."

***

"So your first days with the Chosu clan have been successful, as I see?"

I was kind of tired and in total disaccord with what the man said. My first days with the Chosu clan had been a real disaster. In a small lapse of time I had lost my brother, lost my illusions and I had played an active role in the killing of one of Kyoto's official. Maybe that official had not been the most honest one. Maybe that official had not been on our side, but he hadn't deserved to be killed cowardly. 

Despite what I thought, it wasn't time to argue so I just lied.

"Yes, you could say that…"

"Don't be shy boy! You deserve the compliments you get!"

As we were now standing near his house, I was happy to finally be able to get rid of this conversation.

"Here you are… Have a good night, sir."

"Have a good night, boy!"

I started heading back toward the headquarters. It wasn't a long walk but I was taking my time, enjoying the silence of the night. Suddenly, shadows caught my attention. Some men were hidden in the dark. I looked more carefully and saw light blue haoris. Two Miburos.

As I was still unknown to the Shinsengumi, I tried to calmly pass my way, but the two figures emerged from the dark and block the street in front of me. We coldly looked at each other for a while.

Fools. I sensed that they were not very skilled. They would not last long under my attacks. 

Everything happened very fast. In a few strikes, they were both on the ground. Under my feet, there was a growing pool of blood. The fight had been too easy. 

I was still contemplating the results of the fight when I suddenly felt a new presence in my back. A more powerful one. I turned around ready, to face whoever it was. 

Once more, my eyes met a pair a cold amber ones. Saitou, the captain of the 3rd division. Asaki had warn me and had told me to avoid him, but now here he was. I knew that, for my sake, the best thing I could do was run away but my feet refused to obey. 

Saitou was looking at me, smirking. No doubt he had recognised me. I looked at him while he came closer, his sword in his hand. I looked at the blade and I couldn't help but wish feeling that blade on my skin, feeling the power of that man. Under his sword, I could almost swear that I would have died happily.

I looked at him moving closer and closer. I was literally captivated by the man and outside of him and me, nothing seemed to exist anymore.

Just before the contact was practically establish I, a strong hand caught my arm and started dragging me toward the headquarters. the battousai. 

Behind us, some other Shinsengumi members had come to join Saitou. They started following us. Seeing that, I finally came back to my senses, wondering what had just happened to me, and I started escaping willingly. 

Trying to make them lose our track, we took many detours. We waited here and there before rushing down a street. Finally, we were in front of the headquarters. The whole trip had been done silently.

We headed toward the second floor and Battousai finally pushed me in his room. 

I stared blankly at him, while he was checking, by the window, that no one had followed us. From where I stood, I could hear the sounds of the Shinsengumi running in the streets. They were still searching for us. After a while, the sounds stopped. We were safe.

I closed my eyes, feeling somehow relieved. But, I opened them quickly as I was violently pushed into the wall and as a sword menaced my throat. Cold amber eyes were looking at me.

"Who are you?"

To be continued

General comments

Next time, Tokio and Saitou will meet again. And they will actually talk to each other!

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About Asaki: when I first started this fic, Tokio was not supposed to have a brother; she was supposed to be on her own. I was already planning that she would gradually change her mind about the Chosu clan and the Ishinshishi in general. I had a hard time trying to determine how this would occur so I thought that it would be easier if, in the first place, she had been influenced by someone else. So, I created Asaki afterward. Asaki was also a big advantage because someone was welcoming Tokio in the city and I could introduce more dialogues… But Asaki's presence would have been a nuisance in further chapters, so I decided that he would die (sorry about that…). Killing him also allowed Tokio to start thinking on her own and allowed a change of perspective.

To the reviewers

Special thanks to L. Sith, Alexia, Leila Winters, Fuyutsuki Kisaki, JadeGoddess and Jbramx2, who took the time to review this story. (^-^)

À la prochaine,

Mary-Ann


	4. Friendship and attraction

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Disclaimer: I do not own, in any way, Rurouni Kenshin. Watsuki-sama does. I'm only borrowing his characters for a while.

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Chapter 4 – Friendship and attraction

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"Who are you?"

There was no way to escape this. I had seen it coming for some days… I would now have to tell the truth. I looked again into the strange amber eyes. They were somewhat menacing. I gulped and then started to say.

"I guess you figured out that I'm not Asaki's brother… I'm his sister… We really are related by blood, we did not lie about that."

The Battousai seamed to relax a bit at these words but he did not lower his sword and kept me pinned to the wall.

"Go on…"

"As you know, I came here about one week ago to fight for the Chosu clan in this war. Asaki and I always shared the same convictions about what better future could await Japan. He left my family two years ago to join this clan. I wanted to go with him, to fight for my convictions, but as I am a girl, I could not follow him: I had to stay behind according to my late father's wish."

"Is Nakane your real family name?"

"No, it is not… My father supports the Shogunate so, when Asaki decided to join the Ishinshishi, he was banned from our family. Asaki then had to change name. Two months ago, my father died. I was then free to do as I wished. So I joined Asaki and adopted his new name in order to respect my family's wish to not be associated with the Ishinshishi. So, that is why, for you, I will remain Takeru Nakane."

"I'll respect that."

"Thank you… Could you now lower your sword?"

"Not yet. I still have a few questions for you."

"Which are?"

"You said that you wanted to fight for a better Japan, but you don't seem to act like it… Why weren't you going to fight back in the streets?"

I couldn't myself quite understand my behaviour when I was around Saitou. This was all so unlike me. I didn't know what to answer.

"I don't know… I can't explain my actions… I wish I could, but I'm a bit confused right now."

"And what, may I ask, is confusing you."

"I don't know either. Since Asaki's death, a lot of things that used to make sense don't anymore… He had always been there to guide my path but now, I have to relate only on myself. Also… I think I miss Asaki. I'm still under the shock of his death and so, I'm not quite myself yet. He was so important to me… You would not understand…"

The Battousai suddenly let go of me. My words seemed to have opened an old wound. His eyes switched from amber to violet. Looking away and lowering his head, he sadly answered me.

"I understand better than you think… Loosing someone close to you is, for sure, something no one should ever experience…"

I could clearly see his pain. For sure, he knew what he was talking about. I had misjudged him. The man was not a heartless hitokiri but someone who had feelings…

"You lost someone?"

"Yes… my wife…"

"I'm sorry…"

"You don't have to be sorry… it's my own fault." he answered, with a sad smile.

I wasn't sure how I was supposed to interpret these last words, but I was sure that the subject was a touchy one. I remained quiet for a while. He suddenly began talking again.

"From what I've seen, you're a good fighter. Those two Shinsengumi did not last long…"

"No, they didn't." I said, with a clear and wide smile of satisfaction.

Taken aback, the Battousai asked me.

"You don't regret having taken their life?"

"No. It was a loyal fight. One warrior against another. Both had accepted the fight so, the outcome should also be accepted. If I died in such a fight, I would not hold any animosity against my opponent. It would have been an honourable death…"

"Asaki died this way too. So, I suppose you forgave his murderer."

"No. That was different. Asaki was killed in the back, when he was not prepared to fight and wasn't even aware of the situation. That was not loyal."

"So, you want to go after that man?"

"Yes, but not now… One day, the right time will come. For now, I can't do much about it as Takasugi clearly asked me to stay out of this. And, as I gave my word to this clan, I won't disobey such a direct order."

"But from what I sense, you are not totally with us either…"

"Well… I have some doubts about what we are doing and how we are doing it." 

"I know what you are talking about… Sometimes, this all doesn't seem right… I've been part of this organisation for three years now and, believe me, I've seen many dishonourable actions and I committed some myself… If only I could take it back… If I could change what I did…"

"Why are you still here then…?"

"As you, I believe in the new era. I continue my job for the Ishinshishi as I know no other way to bring this new era. Also, it would be futile to stop fighting now: we would have killed in vain. So, that is why I go on, for now."

"I understand… "

He smiled warmly and then said to me.

"Nakane-san, I'm pleased to have finally met you."

"I'm also pleased… Himura-san." I said, forgetting the old nickname. He deserved better than that…

"Well then, I hope you forgive me for my previous behaviour."

I laughed a bit and then answered.

"Yes, I do. But, don't try that again…"

"Sure, I won't… And, as I think that you are a good person and an honourable fighter, I won't reveal your true identity to the rest of the clan."

"Thank you."

I bowed and left his room to go in mine. The man was very different from me. He was friendly and had a way to touch me, but we would never be great friends. Too many things were between us. 

I recalled how he had pinned me to the wall and hold a sword at my throat. Yes, I forgave him totally for that. If it had been me, I would probably have done worse… I smiled and tried to forget the whole matter, but for an unknown reason, the events kept coming back, again and again, in my head. Each time I was pinned to the wall, Saitou's image strangely replaced the one of the red-hair swordsman. At first, I tried to ignore the vision but, rapidly, I found myself really wishing that he had been the one holding me and questioning me…

I sighed. It wasn't the first time I had strange thoughts about that man, but they were becoming more and more troubling. I quickly decided that taking a bath was the best way to forget this.

***

The next day, I started my training early. I had won my first fights but, things might not always be this easy. There would be more skilled opponents. I had been training for the last hour when a voice disrupted me.

"I see that you are improving. I'm quite impressed…"

I turned around to face the man who had helped me train three days ago. He was smiling at me, satisfied at the improvement he noticed in my style.

"Thank you… I trained a lot and I had a lot of opportunities to test my skills."

"I heard of that. You should be proud of yourself. There are not that many new recruits who could achieve as much as you did in only six days."

"I didn't do much…"

"Oh, believe me, you did. Everyone is talking about you now. They all say that you might take your brother's job. Is that true?"

During our whole talk, I had been practising. I was in the middle of a complicated move when he asked me the last question. Remembering the subject matter, I lost my concentration and my balance. I violently landed on the floor. Quickly after the impact, I kneeled on the floor. Then, I waited for a while, thinking, before answering.

"I don't know… I have not made up my mind yet…" 

The man looked at while I got back on my feet. Sensing that I needed some words of encouragement, he said.

"Let me help you train. I could give you some more tips."

"Thank you. I really appreciate your offer."

After another hour of practice, I was even more meaning every word of appreciation I had told the man. He was efficient. In an hour, he had given me more tips that I ever wished for. He was helping me improving my style and I was improving fast as he had already tested these suggestions on Asaki. 

I was now very tired and ready to take a break when some men passed by. They had clear anxious looks on their face. Something was wrong. I turned around to face my training companion and I asked.

"Do you have any idea of what might be happening?"

"No. Not one."

"Maybe it's time to call the training session off then and go found out…" 

I took a few steps outside the training room and quickly noticed Himura, sitting alone in the corner of the main room. He had a concerned look on his face. He seemed to know what was happening. 

I moved toward him and kneeled beside him.

"Good morning, Himura-san."

"Good morning Nakane-san." He had seemed almost surprise to see me. He had been lost in his thoughts. Knowing the man's reputation, it was probably something I would not witness twice.

"Is something wrong? Everyone seems to fear something."

"Well… We are not sure yet, but… There are a lot of Miburos patrolling this area. There were already a lot of them last night, I think you noticed that, but now there are even more of them."

"And, what do you think this could mean?" I said, while fearing the answer.

"Well… I think, and Takasugi shares the same belief, that they might be searching for our headquarters. They probably know, by now, that it is located in this district."

"You think that their discovery have anything to do with last night pursuit? Maybe they witness us enter this building." I said, lowering my head.

"They were already searching in this district and I'm sure they did not saw us come in here. But, seeing us disappear not too far from here probably confirm their doubts about our headquarters' location and now they are searching even harder than before."

"Oh!… I see…"

"Don't feel guilty about this. Things like that happen all the time. I can't count the number of times we changed location."

"I'll try not to… But if they do found our headquarters, what will they do?"

"I don't know… But I think that we have to be prepared for a precise and surprising attack."

"So better be ready for anything."

"Yes, but for now, they are still only searching. And when they will eventually find out we are living here, they will still have to learn a bit more about this place before actually doing something. Conducting an attack in our own territory could be a suicidal attempt if they are not well prepared…"

***

The thought that I might have been the one giving away our headquarters' location was keeping me awake. I was trying to ignore the guilty feeling and I was trying to sleep when an unusual sound caught my attention. Footsteps. Someone was walking very slowly, in the corridor, as if he was trying to go unnoticed. 

I sat and tried to listen more carefully. I hadn't dreamt. The footsteps were real and, also, I could hear some voices in the backyard. A mere whisper. Something was fundamentally wrong. I quickly got to my feet and, like a cat, went to see through the window what was happening. 

There were men inspecting the headquarters, from outside. I took the time to observe them. Under the moonlight, I was able to catch the sight of light blue haoris. Those men were Miburos. So, they had found the headquarters… 

I returned my attention to the presence in the corridor. While I had looked through the window, the footsteps had come nearer and nearer from where I was. I rushed to take my sword, before it was too late, and quickly draw the shouji aside. I would not wait patiently here, I would be the one attacking.

I looked out in the corridor only to meet a pair of amber eyes inches away from mine. Saitou… 

Recognising me instantly, the tall man smirked. He seemed amused by my presence. He started to inspect me from head to toe while I took conscience of my current appearance: I only wore a thin sleeping yukata on, revealing pretty much each of my womanly curves. My hair was loose and messy.

As Saitou finished his inspection, his eyes laid in mine once more. I saw a look of approbation in them. I suddenly felt like his toy but, I did not mind much. Amazingly enough, I somewhat wished to be play with.

None of us had move. We were both waiting for the other one to take the first step, to say the first word. I could hardly support the tension that was growing between us, so I was desperately trying to find something intelligent to say… But before I could even come up with something acceptable, voices coming from the other end of the second floor disrupted me. 

"Sir, some Miburos are outside the headquarters. We fear that there might be some inside as well…"

"Start searching for them. If you find one, don't let him go away."

"As you wish, sir."

A group of men had informed Takasugi. I had not seen the scene, as Takasugi's room was located in the other corridor, but I guessed that there was four or five men now searching the headquarters. I could now hear them coming in our direction. A few more steps and they would see us. 

I looked at Saitou but he only went on watching me closely, wondering what I would do. He remained calm, a bit amused by the situation, despite the growing menace. After all, he was not a man to be stop by a few unskilled swordsmen. But as I came to the conclusion that Saitou did not have to fear Takasugi's men, I suddenly realized that _I_ should… _I_ could not afford being seen dressed like this. My cover would be blown instantly. Also, _I_ could not afford being seen, totally impassive, in the company one of our worst enemy… 

Still two or three more steps and they would see us. Right then, I stop thinking rationally and did the first thing that came to my mind. I grabbed Saitou by the arm, pulled him inside my room and quickly closed the shouji behind us just before the small unit emerged in the corridor…

I ws nervously waiting for something to occur, but the footsteps soon faded away. The group of men had probably taken the stairs in order to go to the first floor. I let out a sight of relief. It had been a close call… 

But that feeling soon faded as I remembered something else: Saitou was right behind me, in my own room. And I had invited him in… Damn! I should think and then act, not act and then think… 

"I suppose that you are waiting for me to thank you…" he started, with a mocking tone.

"No… I'm not. There is nothing to thank me about. In fact I should not have done this so now, please, leave."

I said this without looking at him. I was trying to regain some composure. After what had just happened, there was no possible doubt left: I found him attractive and that was the problem. I had never really known what to do in such cases, but now one thing was clear: I had to stay away from the enemy… And, as it was just physical attraction, it shouldn't be hard.

"And what if I don't obey you?" he asked coming closer to me. He was still clearly mocking me. I could hear it in his tone of voice and I could see it in his body language. He was enjoying this…

I could now almost feel his body heat. My heart started beating faster. Ignoring him would prove to be harder than I had thought.

"Please… go." 

I closed my eyes, not to look at him. When I opened my eyes seconds later, the room was empty. I was alone, again. 

I went to the window and saw him in the backyard, talking with the other Miburos. One of them pointed at some details on the building. They were preparing their attack. Shortly after that, they left the place.

Even if there was nothing more to be seen, I went on staring at the backyard. Yes, my mind had told him to go away but my whole body had wished otherwise. I was beginning to understand my reactions better now. I was beginning to understand the power of attraction.

***

Next morning, I was still trying to pull myself back. Asaki had warned me about that man, but when he did, I'm sure he was not even aware of how deeply Saitou could affect me. And now, I knew that it would be hard to totally ignore my impulse, even if it wasn't love, but mere physical attraction. But I had to, I was not supposed to bind with the enemy. 

I went downstairs and realised, unsurprisingly, that the headquarters was in a state of chaos. Word had spread around that some Shinsengumi were here last night. The few swordsmen's wives that were living with us were somewhat hysterical. 

I looked at the whole scene, from the stairs and sighed. This would be a long day…

"So, Nakane-san, heard the news?" Takasugi said from behind my back.

"Yes. I presume that we are going to change headquarters."

"Yes. And not later than today. We can't afford to stay here any longer. Not with the panic that can be feel from miles around. We are now very vulnerable."

I did not reply anything. I waited for his next comment.

"Nakane-san, have you thought about my offer? I think that you are realising that we are missing leadership in this house. It takes more than three or four people to control such a troop. Your nomination would be very welcomed."

"…"

"Also, we need strong people to lead us toward victory. And a victory it will be, I can assure you that…"

I looked at him, surprised. No one had ever made such a strong statement before. The Shinsengumi were very powerful and they controlled this war. Also, they were supported by the Shogunate. 

"I can see in your eyes that you are quite surprised by this affirmation, Nakane-san… But I received some news that makes me believe that we are going to succeed our mission. And, sooner than latter."

He paused to emphasis his next words while I only wished he would speak faster.

"The British government has decided to support the Ishinshishi's actions in this war. We are not sure yet how this is going to be concretised, but there are good chances that they are going to give us some sophisticated occidental weapons."[1] 

"Oh!… I see…"

"So what do you say. Do you want to help us lead the Chosu clan to the victory or not?"

"Well… I…"

"If you are in a leading position when the victory comes, I can assure you that a great life is awaiting you in the new era. We will, then, need strong people to build a new country. And I think that you are proving to everyone that you will be able to do it. I wish I could but… I probably won't be part of this world anymore when the time comes: my tuberculosis is not going any better. Also, Asaki would have love to do it, I'm sure of it…"

I was still hesitating. I did not want to take the leadership of something I did not really believe in. But, it was true that Asaki would have wished to be in a leadership position when the victory came and take an active part in the new era. He would also have been please if I was playing such a role… Sensing that my refusal would betray Asaki's memory, I answered impulsively.

"I'll do it!"

"Good. Then, I'll announced it as soon as this matter is resolved." said Takasugi, pointing at the chaos downstairs.

***

Why?

Why did I accept?

Why? Why? Why?

That was all I could think of when the assembly Takasugi had called began. 

"Thank you everyone for being here. I'll go straight to the point: yes some Shinsengumi were here last night. They found out about our headquarters so we are going to move. And today. So, stop worrying."

Sounds of relief could be heard in the crowd.

"We did not had much time to find a new headquarters. We chose the first building available, but unfortunately, it is not completely fulfilling our needs. It is much smaller than one… So, you'll have to share rooms…"

Sounds of complains quickly replaced the sounds of relief. 

"As we are moving this afternoon, you all have to decide now with whom you are going to share your room. I don't want to here more complaints about this. So, starting from the right. Nakane-san?"

I had to be the first one on the right… 

There was no way I could share my room. I would not be able to continue pretend being a man when someone would be observing me almost twenty-four hours a day. Asaki's presence would have prevented this kind of situation, but he wasn't there anymore…

"Nakane-san?" repeated Takasugi, adding a bit of pressure.

"…"

"I'll do it… I'll share my room with him." someone said. I knew that voice…

"Thank you Himura-san for speeding things up… Now, Matsuki. Who is going to be your room partner?"

As I looked around to face Himura, the voices all faded away. I nodded slightly, showing him my appreciation. The man had understood my embarrassment and had quickly solved my problem. 

Not too long after that, the assembly was dissolved and everyone headed toward their rooms to start packing. I was left alone in the main room with Himura.

"Thank you. You did not have to sacrifice yourself…"

"Well… I would have to pair with someone anyway. Also, I think that in the state of mind you are in, it is a good thing that someone would look after you, a bit… If you would allow me to…"

"Sure, you can."

Yes, it could prove to be a good thing. Having him around, I would not be tempted to bring Saitou in my room again… 

To be continued

General comments

Don't worry, I'm not starting a love triangle here… Kenshin and Tokio are just friends. Not great friends (as she points out there is too much differences between them) but friends… I thought I should point this out the make things clearer.

Notes

[1] The origins of the Bakumatsu come from the tension between foreign countries (USA, England, France, and so on …) and the Shogun. These countries wanted to have commercial agreements with Japan while the Shogun resisted to open Japan's boundaries to strangers. The year 1854 brought a new Shogun to the country and a new way to see the subject matter. Seeing that it was in the country's interest, the new Shogun quickly signed an accord with USA (you probably have hear of commodore Perry… if not see note [2]) and, latter on, with other countries. 

Of course, this did not pleased most of Japanese who were not too eager to see foreigners in their country. By 1858, rumours were spreading all around Japan deforming most of the events that had led to these commercial agreements. As more and more people began doubting the Shogun's decision, a rebellion was starting to take form. So, from 1858 to 1866, violent events were often reported.

The districts in the south-west extremity of Japan (Chosu and Satsuma) had always been opposed to the Shogun. They took the opportunity to form an alliance in 1866 (the Ishinshishi) and try to restore the emperor. 

In 1867, the British started supporting the actions of the Ishishishi. Their participation is said to have given the victory to the Ishishishi during the Boshin war (1868).

Of course, this is a simplification of the actual events…

[2] When Watsuki refers to the episode of the "black boats" in the Kyoto Arc, he is talking about commodore Perry's ships. Back in 1854, when Perry come back to Japan, leading 8 naval ships, the Shogun quickly decided to sign a commercial accord with the USA… 

To the reviewers

Special thanks to Jbramx2, Mibu no Ookami, L. Sith, Midnight Scribbler, Deathblade, Keito-chan and Kamorgana, who took the time to review this story. (^-^)

À la prochaine,

Mary-Ann


	5. Days turned into weeks

****

Disclaimer: I do not own, in any way, Rurouni Kenshin. Watsuki-sama does. I'm only borrowing his characters for a while.

Here is chapter 5. It is a bit longer than the other chapters as it marks the end of the first part of the story.

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****

Chapter 5 – Days turned into weeks

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I cast a last glance at the headquarters. So much had happened since I first came here. The fact that it was only eight days ago was almost laughable.

In those eight days, I had joined the Ishinshishi, I had won my first few fights, I had got a promotion, I had met Saitou and, most of all, I had lost my brother. I would always cherish the memories of Akasi. No one would ever be able to erase these souvenirs or be able to take the place he had left vacant in my heart. My big brother… The one who had always looked after me… The one who had always guided my path…

He had done so much for me and now, I would never be able thank him.

Sadly, I pushed those thoughts away. I had to stop thinking about the past and I had to start focusing on the present events. A war was still going on. Somewhere in another Kyoto's district, a slightly different life was awaiting me. A life I would have to mould on my own beliefs and expectations.

I once heard that you could judge a person by his past actions. So far, I can't say that I'm particularly proud of mine, but also, I have nothing to really be ashamed of. But from now on, I would try to improve myself. I would try to think twice before doing something and I would never follow blindly instructions again…

Of course, the rules and commands of the Chosu clan restricted me, but even within these limits, I would try to affirm myself.

The beliefs I had shared with Asaki were still strong. Japan's situation could be better and I would fight to make sure that things would change. But lately, I had came to realize that Asaki had been an idealist. He had praised the Ishinshishi's good sides and he had ignored its bad sides. And there were a lot of bad sides.

Was fighting with the Chosu clan the wisest decision then? Maybe not, but it was a decision, a decision that I had made. I was the one who had chosen to be part of the Ishinshishi. I was the one who had agreed to take Asaki's position. No one had force me into it. Because of that, I would remain with the Chosu clan and try to hope for the best.

"Nakane-san…?"

Takasugi's voice disrupted my thoughts.

"Yes?"

"Are you coming?"

"Yes, I'm coming. I'm ready."

Two weeks had passed since we had moved in the new headquarters. Two weeks of slow adaptation.

What Takasugi had told me was true: this clan lacked strong leaders. The whole moving thing had clearly pointed that out. The headquarters seemed to be ruled more by hysteric wives trying to get the better room than by swordsmen fighting for a better tomorrow.

Five days ago, seeing that things were practically under control again, Takasugi had officially announced my promotion. Rumours had already been spread around, so no one had really been surprised. However, as soon as my promotion had been confirmed, most of the Chosu clan members changed their behaviour when they were around me.

When I first came here, to them, I was a stranger. I wasn't part of the group. After a few days, they had come to accept me and to respect me. I had then felt a little bit more at home. But now, now that I was someone important, they just stopped seeing me as a friend and started taking their distances. I was alone again.

Only the red-hair swordsman sharing my room continued to talk to me as he did before. He wasn't a man impressed by social rank. I was learning more and more things about him and he was learning more and more things about me. But both of us were still hiding a lot of things and we probably ever would. We were friends yes, but not close ones. We viewed things differently.

"You're back… You look tired… You should not overwork yourself."

I smiled. In the darkness of the room, I had not noticed Himura's presence. He was always there, not too far, making sure that everything was alright and that I was okay. I truly appreciated that. I had never seen anyone care for everything as much as he did. The fact that the man was one of the most feared hitokiri was almost unbelievable.

"I'm not overworking myself; I'm just doing my job… If I don't do it, no one will. And that cannot happen. Takasugi, Katsura and my whole unit rely on me."

He shook his head in disapproval.

"At least, are you happy with what you are doing?"

"Well… To tell the truth…"

It had been another hard day. Of course I enjoyed having to take decisions, having to make sure that everyone was safe and that everyone was doing tasks respecting their own limits. But… Over the past two weeks, I had seen Takasugi command things that I would never dare doing. I was a bit afraid that one day, he would assign my unit to one of those tasks: it would be hard then to follow my own code of honour.

"To tell the truth, you're still not sure if you should be in the Chosu clan at all…" said Himura, finishing my thought.

"Yes… Well, I really believe in the new era and I really wish that, I will live to see it. But, I think that our actions lack discipline, justice and courage. A one on one combat is fine with me, even if people die in the process. I know that you don't agree with me on that point, but that is how I see it. However, killing people who can't fight back is another thing. You can't build a peaceful era by using those means. People fear the Ishinshishi and the terror they have brought. That is very far from what we really should achieve…"

"I see… You know, with the implication of the British government, we will probably win this fight. The new era will come. But what the new era will eventually looks like will depend on who is going to be in command when it will be time to build it."

"With Takasugi in one of the leading position…"

"Takasugi dreams of a victory for the Ishinshishi. But his dream does not go much further. He is becoming weaker and weaker because of his illness and he will probably won't live long enough to see the new era. For that reason, Takasugi only wish to destroy this era, with every mean possible. He doesn't really care about the new one."

"That is why he orders massive killings and riots and I don't know what else… ?"

"Yes. But not all Ishinshishis think like Takasugi. Some are loyal and honourable fighters. I really hope that such men will be in the leading position when the time will come…"

"But then, how can we be sure that better days are really awaiting Japan? How can we be sure that we really are doing the right thing?"

"You know, Nakane-san, having doubts about what we are doing is what is going to make you keep your sanity throughout this conflict. If you didn't doubt anything, you would probably blindly follow Takasugi's commands and make things you would regret later on, things that you would not be able to erase of your memory." Said he, with a sad expression.

"You're referring to your days as a hitokiri?"

"Yes."

"What made you realize that you might not have done the right thing then?"

"My wife…"

For the second time, he mentioned her to me. For the second time, I realized how much pain her memory caused him. Living in the headquarters, I had heard rumours about what had happened between them, but they were probably very far from the reality.

"I don't know if you want to share what happened to me but… I would really appreciate it if you would allow me to understand better."

"It's… it's a sad and long story. I don't really feel ready to fully share it with anyone yet so, let just say that Tomoe questioned incessantly my doings like I should have done it myself. For a while, I didn't know how to react to it. I put her questions and comments in the back of my head. I accidentally killed her during a fight and, as fast as she had come into my life, she was gone. But, the words she told me, I will never forget. Once this war is over, I will begin a long journey in order to find the answers to her questions."

"Oh… I see… In your case, Tomoe's death opened your eyes a bit like in my case Asaki's death opened mine."

"Yes, but unlike you, I now totally disapprove killing, even in a one on one combat… Everyone, one day or another, has to suffer from a great loss in order to evolve substantially."

"It would be so much easier if we could evolve without them."

"Yes…"

Thunderstorms.

The lightening and thundering had waked me up and now, I had a hard time going back to sleep. I was thinking about Tomoe's story. With the rumours I had previously heard and now with the story mainline, I could now more comprehend Himura's attitude. That event had profoundly changed him and had brought a new light to his life.

If he hadn't killed Tomoe's fiancé, if he hadn't met her, if he hadn't killed her, he would have probably continued being a hitokiri…

From across the room, I could hear him breath. He was asleep but his breathing pattern was not peaceful. It could not be peaceful.

Would I, one day, feel so much guilt? Probably not. I opened my eyes before I did anything to be really ashamed of. And Himura deplored every life he took, even in loyal combat situation. I would probably never regret such a thing…

But then again, it was love had changed Himura's perspective and had fundamentally changed the way he view his implication with the Chosu clan. Love was a strong feeling which could even influence the actions of people who thought they were on the right path, like me... Maybe, one day, I would love someone and it would also fundamentally change me. But I did not love anyone.

Then, his image hit me like a ton of bricks. Saitou's image.

I shook my head. Of course, I did not love him. You cannot love someone you have barely seen or barely spoke to. But I knew by now that I was strongly attracted to him.

Would this relationship evolve, on day, into something more or would we always be figthing on different sides? While a part of me wished it, another part said: be careful…

But even aware of the awkwardness of the situation, I couldn't help remembering his tall and strong body, his determine expression and his strange eyes. I couldn't help wishing that he would, one day, hold me close…

"You're awake…"

On the other side of the room, Himura wasn't sleeping anymore. He was studying me instead. Under his gaze, I blushed. I hoped that, in the darkness of the room, he did not notice it. And most of all, I wished that he was unable to read my thoughts…

"Yes, the thunder woke me up. But don't worry, I'll soon go back to sleep, I need it…"

In a few weeks, things would settle down and I would be more apt to judge the situation. But first, I had to go talk with Takasugi. I had express my wish to be left out of some more… well some less honourable tasks.

You don't kill someone simply because his beliefs doesn't match yours. There has to be a deeper reason. You oppose someone when that person is a threat to the world you live in. For that reason, I truly respected the Shinsengumi way of doing things despite the fact that they supported the Shogunate.

Days passed. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. Each rising sun brought a new problem, a new conflict that had to be quickly handled.

Takasugi's health was clearly deteriorating. Some said that he would not even see the New Year. Takasugi had respected my wish and my unit had left out of some, not very loyal, subject matters. Instead, we were deeply involved with doing some recognisance, offering protection to some politicians supporting the Ishinshishi and, in times of conflicts, conducting offensive attacks. But, never would I have repeated the events that had lead to Murasaki's killing. I could kill a real opponent, but not someone who couldn't fight back. And I would never fight many against one.

However, I was really aware that other units were constantly repeating such scenes. Seeing this displeased me more and more. After all, how could you bring peace to this country if we were creating panic in the population, if we were spilling the blood we were supposed to protect?

Seeing all this, I was less and less eager to fight. I had totally lost the fire within me. I went on giving orders, bossing people around, but there was a clear lack of convictions in my words and actions.

I went on doing what I was supposed to, as one continues doing an old habit. Of course, I was still looking forward to the new era, but I was also almost certain that the new era would bring its amount of pain and suffering, like this one.

Some days, the only thing that kept me going on was the hope of seeing a certain Miburo. I didn't really know what to think of this. I couldn't understand why I felt attraction toward him: he was an enemy.

But anyway, each time I caught a glimpse of a blue haori, I couldn't help foolishly hopping to see Saitou. But, it was never him. Our paths had diverged for a while now, but I knew that one day, when the right time would come, we would meet again…

On November 9th, a ray of sunshine awoke me. For the first time in weeks, I felt a sort of frenzy submerging me. Certainly, this day would hold its share of surprises.

I got up and I got dressed amazingly fast for someone who was barely living from hand to mouth. I went to the window and took the time to look at the city's busy streets. The bright colours, the cheerful passersby, everything seem to have taken a new life. After the dark days that lay behind us, we were all ready for a change…

I sadly stopped my contemplation. Even if I had the feeling that something would happen today, the world would not stop revolving. I was still a unit's leader and I still had to do my job. But first, a nice breakfast would be great…

I opened the shouji and I almost bumped into Himura who was coming back to our room.

"I'm sorry Himura!" I said, cheerfully.

"It's okay…" he answered, puzzled by my new attitude.

"I have the feeling that it's going to be a great day!"

I quickly pass my way, eager to go eat, and I did not hear Himura's answer. Downstairs, people were eating, talking and laughing. It was only the habitual, but to me, this scene was now one of the most agreeable sight I had ever seen.

"Nakane-san! Nakane-san!"

I turned around. The man who was in charge of recruiting was there, calling me. He had always remained proud of the fact that he was the one who had first introduced me, a unit leader, into the Chosu clan. He never missed a chance to be seen by my side, to remind the others that only _he_ held the merit.

"Good morning."

"Good morning, boy! Have a seat! You must be hungry…"

The man was always a bit loud, not too refined and just couldn't stop calling me "_boy_". But he was also a good-hearted man so, I never minded much having him around. I sat down and started enjoying a nice breakfast.

"So, boy, what are you up to, these days?"

"Right now, we are just patrolling in the area, to make sure that everything is fine… You know, nothing much happened these last few days… Well, not enough things to keep all the units busy."

"Yep, it's been very calm lately. But I'm not complaining, boy. I'm beginning to be a little too old for this kind of business…"

"I think that we are all beginning to be tired… It's not just the age…"

"Maybe… But I hope that nothing important will happen in the next few days, I would enjoy a rest…"

I smiled kindly at the man. I really wished him some days off, but if my intuition was true, we would not have time to rest…

It started around midday. First, we all ignored the strange rumours as they were too unbelievable to be true, but soon, as the rumours began to be more and more precise, we all began to suspect that they might be true.

From his Edo castle, the Shogun would have resigned, without even fighting, and the emperor's reign would be restored, after hundreds of years of absence. [1]

Those rumours were almost unbelievable. But if they were true, it meant… Well, it meant that the whole thing was practically over, that the Ishinshishi had won this fight and that the new era would finally be built.

I suddenly wished that Asaki was here. He had dreamt of this for so long. Without him, it wasn't the same… Of course, I was happy for the new era, but I was not overjoyed. I had seen what the Ishinshishi could do and I knew them too well to believe that the new era would only be a peaceful one.

We were all gathered in the main room of the headquarters. Takasugi was supposed to make an official announcement concerning what really happened at the Edo castle.

I looked at the other headquarters' inhabitants. They were all whispering, speculating about what could have caused the Shogun's resignation… And I couldn't blame them for doing so: I was also looking forward to a better explanation. I wanted to have a full understating of the situation.

As Takasugi entered the room, the noise suddenly stopped. Everyone was avidly waiting for his next words. Was it really true? Was it really the end of the conflict?

"As you may have heard, the Shogun has resigned without even opposing a fight."

At these words, the silent room was suddenly filled with sounds of joy. Everyone was talking at the same time. So, it was true…

"Please… Calm down… Please…"

Takasugi was unsuccessfully trying to get everyone's attention. After a few minutes, he finally was able to talk again.

"Yes, the Shogun has resigned and the Emperor will be restored. From now on, things should be easier for us and this could be the end of the Bakumatsu."

As everyone started talking all at once, Takasugi had to wait, again, before being able to continue his speech.

"This is, for now, all that we know. This sounds like good news, but I would appreciate it if everyone remained vigilant: we never know what could happen next."

Takasugi took a pause to put more emphasis on his last words, but very few people payed attention to them as all that mattered was the Shogun's resignation.

"I would now like to have some words in private with all of the unit leaders. And Himura also…"

Takasugi left the room and I quickly followed him. In the main room, the atmosphere was now festive, but I had the feeling that everything had not been said. There was something more. And I was not the only unit leader who doubted the sincerity of Takasugi's speech.

"So… What are we doing here? Is there something more we should know?" asked one unit leader, once we were all gathered in Takasugi's room.

"Well…" began Takasugi.

"Has the emperor really resigned or was that only bluff?" Asked another unit leader.

"Yes, he has resigned. But…"

"I knew there would be a "_but_"!" the same man burst out.

Takasugi cast a murderous glance in his direction and slowly started explaining.

"Could you please all calm down. This is a really important subject matter and you should listen with great care to what I'm going to say. Yes, as I confirmed before, the emperor has resigned, but his troops will continue to fight."

"So, this is not the end of the Bakumatsu?" I was surprised to hear the sound of my own voice.

"No, but as I have told you before, I'm certain that we will eventually win this war. First, we are fighting for the right cause. Second, we have some help from the British government. Third, the emperor, who is on our side, is now controlling the country. So, even if the Shogun's troops are still fighting, even if this is not exactly the end of the Bakumatsu, this is the beginning of the end."

"But why didn't you say all of that before, during your speech? Why wait now? Don't you think that everyone in this clan deserve to know the truth?" I asked.

I was now furious with Takasugi. How could he play with peoples feelings like that? I had witnessed him command cruel things, but never before had I witness him deliberately lie to his troops.

"Nakane-san, I respect your talent as a unit leader, but this time, you are clearly wrong. The Shogun's troops expect us to believe that this is the end of the conflict in order to conduct a surprise attack. Presently, the cheerful ambiance in the headquarters prove them right. They probably think, right now, that their tactic is working pretty well. If I had spread the news that it was not the end of the Bakumatsu, our troops would be depressed instead and that would have proved that their tactic is not working. You see, Nakane-san, this is strategy. I let them think that we believe that the Shogun's resignation means that we won the war."

"I'm sorry, Takasugi-san, but I can't agree with you. You are endangering our men's lives by deliberately binding them."

"I'm not endangering their lives. Every good fighter is aware of the fact that you never know what is going to happen next. Plus, I told them to still be careful."

"So, you believe that a simple warning and the hope that they remember that unexpected things might happen will do the trick? Don't you hear the sounds downstairs? They are already drinking and celebrating. They are not on their guards…"

"Yes, I hear the sounds downstairs and I sincerely wish that some Shinsengumi might hear them too. If they conduct an attack while thinking that we are unprepared, we double our chances to win…"

"That is pure nonsense…"

"You can think what you want, Nakane-san, but _I_ am still the leader in this headquarters so, you will do as _I_ wish. Is that clear?"

"Yes, sir." I said, giving up the verbal fight.

"Good. You can all leave now. Please keep an eye on our troops and be ready for anything."

"Another cup of sake for me!" asked one of the men of my unit.

Sadly, I shook my head. We were all gathered in an inn near by and the men were celebrating the Shogun's resignation. If they only knew…

"Nakane-san, are you all right?"

I turned around and faced Himura. He looked concerned.

"Yes, I'm alright. It's just that I doubt Takasugi's decision. I have a bad feeling about all of this."

"I have it too. You see, I don't think that Takasugi is in the right state of mind to make such important decisions. He is becoming weaker and weaker. Tuberculosis is wining over him. Have you seen him cough lately?"

"Yes, he was coughing blood…"

"Coughing blood, as you can imagine, is a really bad sign. He won't live much longer. He should take some rest, that is what doctors told him, but he won't do it. He is too stubborn. Instead, he continues running this headquarters, trying to prove to the whole world that he is still strong enough for this job. But he is not. That is why he is becoming more and more intransigent everyday, always wanting to have the final word and thinking that everyone is against him."

"Are you trying to tell me that we are running directly toward a total disaster because our leader is becoming too mentally unstable to make wise decisions?"

"Yes, that's pretty much what I was trying to say, but in kinder words…"

"Oh good! That is really what we needed. I was already doubting the Chosu clan's actions, but now…"

"I know… That is why we all have to try to become more vigilant. We have to be ready for our enemy's next move but we also have to be ready for Takasugi's next move. He is becoming a threat to our safety."

"You want to know the truth?"

"Do I have the choice?" Asked Himura, smiling faintly.

"I have enough of this. I am tired of having to deal with Takasugi's decisions. I am tired of having to be ashamed of the other unit's actions. I am tired of being looked upon because I refuse that my unit should be involved in some dishonourable subject matters. I am tired of wondering if the new era will be built according to Asaki's wishes or if it is going to be built by some untrustworthy politicians who only want to gain more power. I am tired of trying to figure out if I did the right thing when I joined the Chosu clan…"

I stopped, a little bit ashamed. I had lost my temper. I had acted childishly. I was almost sure that Himura felt the same things I did. But he hadn't lost his temper. He had remained calm and had tried to find solutions to this problem. So unlike me… I really had to try to follow his example and try controlling my emotions. Embarrassed, I tried to explain my attitude.

"I think that I'm just getting very tired and that the little discussion I had with Takasugi, earlier on, really pissed me of."

"Do you still want to fight along with us?"

"I don't know… For the last two months I've been wondering if I have made the right decision. In the beginning, most of the time, I was thinking that yes, I had made the right choice. But moments of doubts have become more and more frequent. Only my sense of duty and Asaki's memory stops me from leaving. It would be a betrayal."

"I see…"

"When I woke up this morning, I thought that something great was going to happen. I thought that this day would, in a way, change my life. If I knew that this day would only bring me more worries…"

We remained silent, for a while. We were watching the men talking, laughing over some cups of sake. They were all getting very drunk, unaware of the threat. If they only knew…

"Hey! Nakane-san! Want to join us for a drink? It's a celebration after all…" asked one of the men of my unit.

"No, thank you. It was really kind to offer it, though."

I couldn't afford a drink. I was the only one aware of the danger. I was in charge of my whole unit safety. I had to be vigilant for them all.

"They won't be able to hold their head high again, those Shinsengumi. Those bastards!"

Our return to the headquarters was a noisy one. I was in the streets, with my whole unit and, if anyone in Kyoto did not knew, by now, that the Ishinshishi thought that the Shinsengumi were bastards, now was the chance to learn it…

I was trying hard to calm them, to tell them that they had to make less noise, but they just all didn't saw why they should obey me.

"Come on, Nakane-san! Relax! The war is over! Haven't you heard Takasugi's speech? This is the best day of our life, so better enjoy it."

"Well of course, I have heard Takasugi's speech but…"

I paused. Of course, Takasugi had not wanted them to know the whole truth, but I had to tell them. It was only for their own good…

"… he also told me that even if the emperor resigned, his troops are still fighting. No, the war isn't over."

For a minute, they all stopped talking and walking to look at me. But soon, I discovered that my words had not the wanted effect.

"Ha! Ha! You practically got me here! I didn't know you had such a sense of humour! Ha! Ha! I've heard Takasugi's speech and I trust him. He wouldn't have lied to us"

Oh good! Laugh now, but we will see who is going to laugh in a few days…

We were not too far from the headquarters when it happened. We had run directly into a Shinsengumi squad patrolling the area. And they did not seem to be friendly…

I had seen this coming from the moment Takasugi had announced that the Shinsengumi was still fighting. I had fear this moment. And now, it was there.

In less then a minute, the street was filled with battle sounds. We were all struggling against our attackers and, the way I saw it, we were disadvantaged. First, they had drunk too much sake. Second, they had not been mentally prepared for this. And third, I had to admit that after the last events, I wasn't too eager to fight. I was more tired than anything else.

Some of my men managed to hurt some of the Shinsengumi and I managed to get rid of two of our opponents. But, some of my men had also been hurt by some Miburos and, I was sure of this, some of my men would soon die. And, as I had suspected, it happened. I saw it, right in front of my eyes. One of my men died…

I heard him scream, I saw him fell on the ground, I saw him breath for the last time. And it wasn't a good sight. I had been in charge of that man for the last two months. He had trusted me, he had respected me. We had almost become friends. But now, it was over.

I was still under the shock of this first death when I witness another one of my men die.

Very perturbed by the latest events, I had difficulties trying to concentrate on my fight. I still managed to scratch some of my adversaries but my strikes were now less precise. However, some of my men managed to get rid of two other opponents. Maybe… Maybe, some of us would get out of this alive…

But, then I heard a third scream. And another one. And another one.

And the fight went on like that. One by one my men died. But, we also, together, ended the life of most of the Shinsengumi. Finally, I was standing alone, in the street, with the last opponent. The last blow would decide which troop would win this. But whoever won, it would have been a costly victory.

I had difficulties standing still. I had been severely injured a few times and I was loosing blood. A lot of blood. I could almost not feel my left leg and my shoulder anymore. But, no matter what, I would not loose. Even if I wasn't sure that I was fighting for the right cause, I had to live. There would be other opportunities in which I would have the chance to achieve a lot of things for this country. Yes, I had to live.

I took, one more time, my battle stance and then, we both started attacking. I felt the blade of my opponent on my skin, but it was okay, I was still standing. I turned around to face the damage I had done on the Miburo…

He was lying on the ground. Dead. I was the last one standing. I had survived the fight. I…

Having lost too much blood, I fainted. Darkness fell upon me.

I did not even realize that two strong arms picked me up and carried me away...

To be continued

General comments

This was the end of the first part of the story. From now on, things are going to change dramatically… And as you probably guess: a lot more of Saitou/Tokio soon to come.

I'd like to remind you that, in everyday life, I speak French so, writing in English is quite a difficult task for me. I'm doing my best here and I'm trying to improve, but all the language subtleties cannot be understood over only one night. Just try to figure out what would happen if you would try to write in another language…

Notes

[1] On November 9th 1867, the Emperor suppressed the Shogun's title and the Shogun accepted, resigning. In fact, it didn't change much things for the Shogun as he lost only the title, but kept his lands and his entire political power. It was only approximately two months later that the Shogun really lost all his powers, from his Edo castle, without even opposing a fight. The Oniwabanshu were guarding the Edo castle and that is why you can sometimes hear Aoshi mentioning that unfortunately the Oniwabanshu did not get the chance to fight during the Bakumatsu.

The rest, the effect these news had on the troops that day, is pure fiction. (-)

To the reviewers

Special thanks to IceRain, Sephira jo, L. Sith, SilverNimbus, aiteane, Haruko, Wolf of Mibu, Deathblade, Muemosyne and Midnight Scribbler, who took the time to review this story. (-)

À la prochaine,

Mary-Ann


	6. When I opened my eyes

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Disclaimer: I do not own, in any way, Rurouni Kenshin. Watsuki-sama does. I'm only borrowing his characters for a while.

Here is the story's second part… ^-^

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Chapter 6 – When I opened my eyes

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No I can't let that happen… I can't die! I have to fight. I have to…

I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling, like I always did each morning. It wasn't like I remembered. Not it wasn't… I looked on my right and then on my left. I was definitively in an unknown place and I was alone. Why? What was I doing here? If this headache could only stop, maybe I would remember something…

Then, suddenly, I remembered. I remembered being part of the Chosu clan. I remembered my doubts about that same clan. I remembered my verbal fight with Takasugi. I remembered the battle that had followed and I remembered corpses lying in the street. I remembered the bloody smell of the scene. 

Blood… It had been everywhere. I remembered my dismay as I had seen my companions die one by one. Yes, I had wanted to live, I had wanted to survive. There were still so many things I could do with my life. But… Did I really have to be the last one standing? 

I closed my eyes to think about each one of my companions. They had been very brave until the end. I would always remember them as good fighters. Always.

I opened my eyes again and looked carefully at the room surrounding me. It was a small room, but it was more than decently furnished. I was lying on a futon and I was facing the shouji, but I was unable to see the window in my back. 

I had no ideas about where I was and how I had ended up here. The last thing I remembered was being injured by the last man standing. So the people living here must have found me in the streets and nursed me while I recovered… But how long have I been here? A day or two? Maybe more… 

Even if it was just a day, it was already too much. I had to return to the headquarters as soon as possible. They must be worrying about me over there and wondering what might have happened. Yes, I had to leave this place.

I got up, but my legs refused to support me. I fell back violently on the wooden floor. In my haste, I hadn't realized that I was horribly weak. My muscles badly ached, but my left leg and my right shoulder were the main sources of pain.

Exhausted by the effort I had made to stand up, I soon fell asleep on the floor.

***

I woke up again. I was miraculously back on my futon. It was night and someone was in my room. I tried to sit in order to see who it was, but I could only slightly raise my head from the floor. The previous effort had probably weakened me even more.

But still, it was enough to see the stranger: a middle-age woman, probably the one who had took care of me. I looked at her and smiled. She was certainly a good-hearted woman if she had taken care of a pure stranger. 

"I'm sorry… Madame…?"

The older woman let out a cry of surprise and turned around as fast as she could in order to face me. I was then able to see her distinctly. Yes, she really seemed to be a good-hearted woman, but there was something more. She was looking at me with a bit of fear and apprehension. Like if she had wished I hadn't woke up…

"Miss… You're awake…" 

"Yes, I am…"

The strange woman looked at me and noticed that I had, once again, made an effort to stand up. She gasped, kneeled beside me and managed to convince me to put my head back on my pillow.

"Please… miss… don't try to stand up again. You are going to aggravate your injuries. Just stay where you are and rest."

"Was I that badly injured? How long have I been here?"

The older woman gravely and slowly told me.

"You have been here for ten days. You had lost a lot of blood and you were really weak when… when you were brought… here. I feared that I might not be able to bring you back to life."

"So… I slept for the last ten days?"

"Well, you did not exactly sleep all the time. Your injuries got infected: you suffered from a strong fever and you were in a state of delirium."

I didn't like the sound of those words. I could have said anything during that time. I could have said a lot of things I shouldn't have. What did this woman exactly knew about me? And who was she?

"Where am I?"

At these words, the woman tensed.

"You need to rest, miss. This was enough information for today. Just try to go back to sleep: you are probably exhausted."

"But…" 

"No but. Just rest and, please, don't try to stand up again. Your wounds healed with great difficulties and they could reopen under the effort. If you need anything, just call me. I'm in the room next to yours."

Then, the woman abruptly got up and left the room.

I was alone and I didn't know where I was. That woman had deliberately ignored my question and left the room before I could even protest. Yes, she seemed nice, but she was hiding something from me. And I would found out what…

***

The next day, I woke up early. I was waiting for that woman's return. I would get some answers. 

I felt much better than I did last night, but also, I knew that if I tried to get up, I would aggravate my injuries. So, I decided to stay quietly on my futon and simply wait. 

While waiting, I tried to carefully listen to every noise in the house. It might help me learn a few things about this place. And I heard a lot of noise: shoujis being opened and closed, footsteps, some morning greetings and loud voices coming from a remote part of the house.

Obviously, I was not alone with the woman. There were a lot of people, mostly men. I also figured out that I was, in fact, on the second floor of a vast building. But I didn't learn anything else. 

I was lost in my thoughts when the woman suddenly came in my room. She was carrying a tray containing two bowls.

"Good morning, miss. I've brought you some things that might help you get better soon."

"Thank you. You are very kind."

"I'm just doing my job," she said, while kneeling beside me.

"And what are you exactly? An innkeeper? A nurse?" I asked, while she carefully helped me to sit.

"No, I don't have such an important job. I'm just an old maid. Yes, I'm just an old maid, but I'm wise enough to know when someone tries to make me talk more than I should… Don't try to take that offended look. I know what you were trying to do."

She then handed me a bowl of medicine that had been on her tray. 

"Drink this. It will do you good."

I didn't want to drink it. In fact, I couldn't stand the smell of medicine. It reminded me the days preceding my father's death. They hadn't been happy days. But the maid was probably right: the medicine would help me get some strength back. So, I drink it without thinking twice.

"I also brought you a small bowl of rice, in case you get hungry later on. Would you mind telling me how you exactly feel this morning?"

"Well, in overall better. But my legs are weak. I don't think they would support me if I tried to stand up. My right shoulder hurts really badly each time I try to move my arm. And my muscles are still really sore."

"Your muscles are sore because you've been weakened by the lost of blood. In a few days, you will feel better. But the pain in your legs and shoulder won't disappear that easily: you have been seriously injured."

"That's what I feared to hear…"

We both remained silent for a while. I had always feared to remain crippled after a fight. I wouldn't stand being useless. I would do anything in my power to recover. Rehabilitations are sometimes slow and difficult, but I would do it. And I would succeed.

I dismissed those thoughts and looked more carefully at the maid. I knew that she was hiding things from me. But what? Something was clearly wrong and I absolutely had to learn what it was.

"Madame, I woke up here yesterday and I still don't know where I am. I don't understand why you're hiding this information from me. I thought that I was in a friendly place, but I'm starting to doubt it… Try to understand how I feel. Please, tell me everything."

I paused and waited for her answer. I had done everything I could to convince her. The good-hearted woman looked at me and shook her head.

"I know it must be hard, but no, I won't tell you. For now, you have to focus on your recovery and forget about all the rest. Too much worries come from the external world. You shouldn't pay attention to them. Only think about yourself for the time being. This is for your own good."

"So, you won't tell me anything?"

"No."

I remained silent, as I understood that she definitely wouldn't speak. I observed her carefully at her while she helped me lay down on my futon, put the bowl of medicine back on the tray and got up. All I could see was someone who could be trusted so her answer had probably been sincere. But still, there was something more behind this. Something she was hiding from me, for my own good.

"Miss… I'll be back this afternoon. I'll help you go to the bathhouse. There, I'll clean your wounds and I'll put new bandages. You'll feel much better after that. For the mean time, just try to get some sleep.

"Thank you."

Now alone, I sighed. Not too long ago, I was a respected and feared Ishinshishi's unit leader and now, I had difficulties getting information from a middle-age maid. All I had learned was that, as I feared, I might not have ended up in a place where I would have wished to end up…

***

It was early afternoon and I was lying on my futon. After the morning frenzy, everything had slowly calmed down in the house. Everything was now really peaceful and silent. But I wasn't alone: I could feel, on the other side of the wall, the maid's presence. It reassured me to know that she was there, not too far from me. 

I was going to fell asleep again when I heard footsteps in the corridor. Someone was coming in this part of the house. Here was my chance to finally learn something about this place.

The footsteps stopped right in front of the maid's room and, without even announcing his presence, the newcomer opened the shouji and went into the room. At his sight, the woman gasped with fear and surprise. 

"How is she?" coldly asked a man.

After a short pause, during which the maid overcomame her surprise, she did her report, almost in a murmur, in a useless attempt to prevent me from overhearing anything.

"She finally woke up yesterday, but she is still very weak. She's probably sleeping right now. In fact, she will need a few more days of rest before being able to stand up and walk without assistance. But it will probably take weeks before she starts walking perfectly normally again."

"And mentally?"

"For now she is okay. She tried to learn where she was, but I chose not to tell her, for now. It would perturb her very much... being the Ishinshishi that she is."

There was a slight pause, and then the maid started talking again.

"You look almost surprise: she talked in her sleep while she had fever. But don't worry, I won't repeat her words to anyone else: I prefer my life to gossips…"

"That's a wise choice. I particularly advise you to keep to it..."

There was another pause in their dialogue. I thought that their conversation was over but the man made a last comment before leaving.

"It's useless to lie to her about where she is. I'll talk to her." 

"But, sir!"

"She's stronger than you think."

The man then left the maid's room and I expected to see him come in mine right away. But I was wrong. He simply passed his way. He would probably come back later.

One thing was sure: now, I knew where I was. That cold voice… It could only belong to one human being in the whole world…

I knew where I was and I didn't like it. The wisest thing to do was probably run away. That is probably what I would have done if I hadn't been too weak to walk and a bit too curious and eager to meat a certain Miburo.

***

I was sleeping again. I was dreaming of the happy days I had spent with my family before the Bakumatsu. In my dreams, my father was particularly present. I was remembering the tender moments we had spent together. During the last years of his life, he had picked up the habit of smoking. [1] And now, in my dreams, I could even remember the characteristic smell of the cigarettes. It was a comforting one since it was associated to my father's image.

My dream was abruptly put to an end as I realized that the smell was more than real. It wasn't just a dream. I quickly opened my eyes and I saw him: Saitou. He was there, in my room, smoking and waiting for me to wake up.

Still in a half-sleeping state, I carefully sat on my futon while staring back at him. He looked even better than in my souvenirs and my whole body was telling me that I was definitely still strongly attracted to him. But, as important subject matters had to be discussed, I tried to ignore those impulses.

I was going to say something when I remembered the maid's presence on the other side of the wall. If I could hear everything in her room, she could certainly hear everything in mine. Was it wise to talk while she was there…?

I remained, wondering what I should do, when Saitou said:

"It's okay, we can talk freely. I waited for her to get out before coming back to see you. She already knows too much…"

"Oh! I see…" He had read my mind…

I waited patiently for his reply, but it didn't come. He only smoked and stared at me. I guessed that he was waiting for me to question him. 

"This is the Shinsengumi's headquarters, I suppose…?"

"Yes."

"And what am I doing here?"

"You are recovering from your injuries. I found you almost dead in the streets."

Well, that was an obvious answer… I would have to ask more precise questions.

"Why did you bring me here if you knew who I was?"

"The daughter of an Aizu official supporting the Shogun is under the protection of the Shinsengumi, Tokio Takagi."

So, he knew my true identity… 

"But… excuse me, but this is a bit confusing. Even if I'm the daughter of an Aizu official, I'm also a member of the Chosu clan… Why would you bring me here? Why would you help an enemy? I need a better explanation."

Saitou now seemed to be bothered by my constant questioning. For a while, I thought that he wouldn't answer but then, he said.

"Two weeks ago, we received news from Aizu where your uncle undertook your father's position. He realized that you were missing and unsuccessfully tried to learn where you were. Worried, he contacted a lot of people, including the Shinsengumi. It was our job to find you and to make sure that you were doing all right. That is what I did."

Saitou paused and lit another cigarette before going on. 

"We contacted your uncle and he suggested that you stay here until you feel better."

"But I don't want to stay here! Everyone in the Chosu clan must be waiting for my return. They must even be worried…"

"No, they're not." he shortly answered.

"What do you mean?"

Saitou sighed at these words. Obviously, he didn't enjoyed talking much and I was forcing him to do so.

"Apparently, your clan reacted badly to the fact that you are missing. A lot of people think that you simply ran away from the fight and let your unit down. Takasugi is particularly convinced of your cowardice and put a price tag on your head. What did you do to him, Takagi?"

"I… Wait, that is _your _entire fault! If you had simply left me in the streets, I wouldn't have been missing for ten days and they wouldn't suspect me of anything."

"I hope that you realise that if the Chosu clan had found you first, they would have been the one to nurse you. Then, they would have noticed that you were in fact a woman and that you betrayed their trust. A thing few would ever forgive… You would be dead and your uncle wouldn't have been really happy with us."

After saying that, he got up. He had finished talking. He probably thought that I knew everything that I needed to know. But so many questions were left unanswered…

"Wait! Does everyone here know that they are protecting an enemy?"

"No. Besides me, the maid and Okita, who recognized you, no one knows the truth. It should remain this way. A lot of people here would react really badly to the fact that Tokio Takagi is also known as Takeru Nakane. And that list of people includes Kondou, the head chef of this headquarters."

"So, you're saying that I'm not safe in the streets and that I'm not even really safe in this headquarters, as anyone could learn at any time that I was an Ishinshishi."

"Amazing how you catch things fast, Takagi."

***

When the maid finally came to help me go to the bathhouse, I was still thinking about what Saitou had told me. And when we slowly came back to my room, I was still thinking about it...

I was trying to decide what the wisest thing to do was.

For sure, I couldn't go back to the Ishinshishi's headquarters. After our argument, I had realised that Takasugi was really mad at me. No wonder he had put a price tag on my head that easily. I would have a hard time trying to convince him that I wasn't guilty of anything. And I couldn't even offer a good explanation for my disappearance. I couldn't simply tell them that I had spent all these days at the Shinsengumi's headquarters… 

And besides, even if I could ever convince them that I hadn't ran away from the fight, I was still guilty of a much more important crime to the eyes of the Chosu clan: I had lamentably failed one of the most important missions of my young career. I had failed to protect the lives of my unit's members. 

No definitely, I couldn't go back there if I wanted to live a long life. Also, I didn't really want to go back there. The Chosu clan had disappointed me very much and I didn't feel like fighting for them anymore. I didn't feel like fighting at all anymore…

So, I wouldn't go back there, but could I stay here?

By staying here, I would, in a sense, betray my clan. I couldn't go against the promises I had once made. The wisest thing to do would be to leave the enemy's headquarters immediately. But for the time being, I couldn't. I was too weak. I was stuck here.

I sighed. A strange succession of events had leaded me here. If I hadn't followed Asaki, if Saitou had not recognized me in the streets, if I hadn't took a leadership position in the Chosu organization, things would now be really different. 

I would probably still be in Aizu, with my mother, and I would live the life of a perfect traditional Japanese daughter. That was not really what I had aspired in life but at least, these people cared for me. My uncle's actions had showed me that.

It was ironic to see that the people I had deserted still cared for me while the clan I had joined had disavowed me. Here, in Kyoto, everything was hostile. I would probably already been dead if it hadn't been for Saitou.

What that man had done for me was priceless. He had protected me from my clan and even from his own clan. I knew that he had good reasons to act like that. After all, the Shinsengumi couldn't afford loosing the support of an Aizu official as important as my uncle… Not with the Ishinshishi's victory being so close. But still… According to Saitou's sayings, if they knew my true identity, a lot of Miburos would be happily sacrifice this support and throw me out of here without much regards…

No, really, Saitou had done more for me than what a lot of people would have. I would like to thank him for that, but I knew that he wouldn't appreciate it. He wouldn't appreciate the fact that I realised that he may have soft spots…

The more I thought about all of this, the more what I should do became clear in my head.

I wouldn't fight anymore. I would stay here for the time being and, as soon as I would be strong enough to travel, I would go back to Aizu. People were waiting for me there. Like that, I wouldn't feel like if I had betrayed my promises to the Chosu clan. Yes, unless something unexpected stopped me, that's what I would do.

Besides, staying here a little while longer allowed me to see Saitou a bit more…

To be continued

Notes

[1] I read in the Kenshin Kaden that cigarettes have been introduced in Japan during the 6th year of the Meiji era. That means that, historically, Saitou shouldn't be smoking during the Bakumatsu and that he would have pick that habit later on in his life. I decided to, for once, forget about historical accuracy as I just can't picture a non-smoking Saitou…

To the reviewers

Special thanks to Midnight Scribbler, Kamorgana, Muemosyne, Luna, Raine, Wolf of Mibu, L. Sith, Alice, Deathblade, Leila Winters, Dragona, The Great One and SilverNimbus, who took the time to review this story. (^-^)

À la prochaine,

Mary-Ann


	7. Recovery

****

Disclaimer: I do not own, in any way, Rurouni Kenshin. Watsuki-sama does. I'm only borrowing his characters for a while.

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Chapter 7 – Recovery

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If I ever thought that living in the Shinsengumi's headquarters would allow me to see Saitou a bit more often, I was wrong. For the next few days, he didn't come to see me once. I was beginning to feel lonely.

As I still couldn't walk without assistance, I was stuck in this room. The only person who visited me was the maid, but she only came because it was her job to take care of me. 

And she did a good job. Except for my right shoulder, which remained a real problem, I was beginning to see some improvement. The occasional trips to the bathhouse weren't as exhausting as they were before. My muscles had stopped aching all the time. I was able to eat almost full meals and I needed less sleep.

But sometimes, I wished that I would sleep as much as I did before. I was feeling so lonely that days now seemed to contain more than twenty-four hours.

No, this situation did not suit me. I had always been an active person. During my childhood, everyday, I had been outdoors until dawn. Older, I had started training and I used to spend most of my spare time in dojos. And lately, I had joined the Ishinshishi. Except for the two years during which my parents had tried to mould me into a more conventional daughter, my life had always been a constant turmoil. 

I was looking forward to the day when I would be able to go out of this headquarters. Or even out of this room. Of course, I was sometimes going to the bathhouse. But those trips weren't really what I could call exciting. It was only a few steps away and, on my way there, I never met anyone. The maid always made sure that we wouldn't meet anyone. 

***

Another day, and I still had nothing to do except lying here on my futon. Five days. Five long days had passed since I last spoke with Saitou. I simply couldn't stand the loneliness. The maid's visits were not even distracting anymore. Each time, she did about the same routine and talked about the same things over and over again. To her, nothing seemed to exist outside of her daily tasks. 

If I had been a maid in this headquarters, I would have found so many things to do. I would not have only focus on planning the next meal, or on which room I would clean next. No, you could learn a lot of things only by observing the interactions of a headquarters' inhabitants. Outsiders are only aware of the main historical facts, but history writes itself in little details. 

I sometime tried to question the maid about what was going on around here. I wanted to understand how things were handled. I wanted to know how different this place was from my own headquarters. But the maid seemed unable to understand the exact meaning of my questions and was unable to provide convincing answers. She hadn't paid much attention to who really ruled this place and how decisions were made. 

I was still thinking about the maid when someone knocked. No doubt, that was for me, but I had really no idea of who it might be. The maid never announced herself before coming in and I had practically lost the hope of Saitou's visit. 

"Come in." I said.

There had been hesitation in my voice. After all, it could be anyone. Anyone who could recognise me as one of the Ishinshishi. I looked with a bit of apprehension at the shouji while it was slowly being pushed aside and I lost my last hopes of seeing Saitou as Okita's face appeared in the embrasure. 

I recognised him instantly even if I had only see him once, in the streets on my very first day in Kyoto. He had such a boyish look and attitude that it was hard to forget him. In fact, I have to admit that his look was probably not far away from my own when I was dressed like a man.

I was a bit relieved to see Okita. After all, Saitou had said that he knew about my true identity. There was probably nothing to fear then.

"It's only you…"

"Only me! First time a former enemy sees me and declares _It's only you…_!" answered Okita with the most boyish grin I had ever see.

"That's not what I had meant…"

"I know, I know. I understand perfectly what you had meant."

I laughed and smiled. He seemed to be really nice. 

"What brings you here, Okita-san?"

"Saitou-san finally admitted that you were feeling better so, I just dropped by to get some more recent news."

"I'm feeling better everyday and if I could leave this room, it would be just perfect. You see, I'm getting a little bored. It's quite lonely around here…"

"That's what I thought… I brought you some books. They're coming from my personal collection. I hope that you enjoy reading."

I looked at the books in his hands with great delight. I had already noticed them, but I hadn't thought that they were destined to me. It was probably the best gift someone had ever given me. And it wasn't even a real gift: Okita was only lending me his books.

"Yes, I like reading very much. On rainy days, back in Aizu, I used to read a lot. I didn't enjoyed being indoors, but the books helped me forget where I was and allowed my mind to travel freely."

I took the small pile of books he handed me. I looked carefully at each one like if they were made of gold. Four books. It was not much, but if I proceeded slowly, it would keep me busy for a few days. 

"It must be hard for you to see your life change completely in such a short lapse of time…" slowly said Okita.

I put the books down and looked at him before answering.

"Yes it's hard. But I needed a change. I was really unhappy in the Chosu clan."

"Why?" 

Apparently, Okita had not expected to hear such a comment. Before answering his question, I thought about what I could reveal or not.

"Let see… I joined the Chosu clan because I want to build a new era, an era of peace where social injustices wouldn't exist anymore. But I don't think that Japan needs a change at any cost. Especially if that cost is the life of innocent people. And the Chosu clan killed a lot of innocent people in this war. That is why, I feel a bit releived to be offered the chance to escape."

"I thought that you would have more difficulties accepting the fact that you are now under the protection of those who once were your worst enemies…"

"No, believe me, I have. I enjoy being away from the Chosu clan, but I don't really enjoy being here. I feel like if I was betraying my clan, a thing I wouldn't dare do. That is why I intend to leave as soon as I'll feel strong enough to travel all the way back to Aizu."

"That wish you expressed prove that you are a trustworthy person. It's a rare quality. But you know, going out of this headquarter and returning to Aizu might be a more difficult task than you think."

Okita paused. I waited for him to continue. 

"The Ishinshishi are actively searching for you. Of course, they are searching for a man named Takeru Nakane. But you have to remember that these people have been leaving with you for quite a while. So, as soon as they see your face, your cover will be instantly blown... And, from what I've heard, they really don't intend to be nice with you..."

"Yes, I'm aware of that. Saitou already warned me. But I can't stay hidden here all my life. Besides, this situation is totally absurd. The Ishinshishi shouldn't consider me as their enemy. I still share the same goals, but I just don't want to use the same means. This is all Takasugi's fault. The man really hates me since we argued..."

At Takasugi's mention, Okita finally stopped smiling. All along the conversation, he had remained cheerful, no matter what was being said. But now, his smile was gone.

"What's the matter…?"

"Tokio… I can call you Tokio right?"

"Yes."

"Tokio, you shouldn't keep so much animosity toward Takasugi, no matter what he did. You see, he… he... Do you remember how much it rained two nights ago?"

"Yes."

"Well, apparently, he went out on a mission that night. And his health condition got worst. Much more worst. He's not living among the Chosu clan's members now. He is in a medical clinic and he probably never will get out of there. He will die of tuberculosis soon."

I stayed quiet, under the shock. Yes, I hadn't like Takasugi for a lot of reasons, but still, this announcement touched me very much. It was unfair. He had live for a sole reason: the destruction of this regime and now, he wouldn't even live to see it.

I blankly stared at Okita for a while. Slowly coming back to my senses, I realised that Okita was still not smiling. He had this serious and sad look on.

"You are not telling me everything..."

Okita waited before answering. I had the sensation that he only half-wished telling me the whole truth. Finally, he sorrowfully said.

"Yes, there is. You might think that I'm crazy to express sorrows about an enemy's disease. But, you see, what happened to Takasugi will probably also happen to me. Soon."

I took me a while to fully understand the meaning of Okita's words. But suddenly, I remembered that Okita had cough a bit during our conversation. If I had been a little more attentive and a little less centred on myself, I would have recognised the symptoms of tuberculosis immediately.

"Soushi… I can call you Soushi right?"

"Yes." Soushi smiled faintly, remembering that he had told me the exact same words not too long ago.

"I'm really sorry. Even if you were once my enemy, I think that you are a nice person and that you don't deserve this."

He looked at me with surprise. He hadn't expected my understanding. He probably had expected me to be distant and that is what I had wished to be. After all, not too long ago, we were fighting on different sides. But he had been so kind to me and so much suffering was hidden behind his smile that I now wished to offer him my friendship. That was the least I could do. 

After a while, Soushi got up and looked by the window. I couldn't see his face anymore so I had no idea of what he might be thinking of. When he turned around, the boyish grin was back and he simply said.

"I'll come back to see you soon, Tokio-san."

"I'll look forward to it."

***

Indeed, Soushi came back to visit me. Every day, about at the same hour, he knocked at my shouji. He never stayed long as he was a busy man, but our discussions were always pleasant. Each time he left, I felt sorrier for him. He really didn't deserve to die. 

Yes, he had killed, but never without a good reason. He had a goal: to protect the city and its citizen. And he had followed the Shinsengumi's strict code of honour. During our conversations, Soushi explained it to me. I was quite impressed by what I learned. This was exactly what I thought the Chosu clan needed. At least, it was near my own personal code.

When Soushi came to visit me, he always had his cheerful mask on. He never showed me again his true emotions. I had the conviction that I was almost the only one who knew that behind his boyish grin, he was hiding his fear of dying. 

I was in my room, reading the second book, when someone knocked. I put the book down and smiled happily as I thought that it was Souhi coming an hour earlier.

"You can come in!"

It wasn't Soushi. It was the maid and a small old man carrying a large pile of clothing. A seller man. I looked with envy at the bright colours I could see in his arms and wished that I could buy something. After all, I only had the few sleeping yukatas the maid had lent me. And it had been so long since I last wore a kimono...

"Here is your young client, mister." announced the maid.

The man nodded, took a few steps forward and delicately put on the floor some of the nicest kimonos I had ever seen.

"I can't pay for this…"

"Your uncle sent us money to cover all of your expenses while you stay here. You can afford new clothes. Besides, you absolutely need them. Take this offer without further complaints." replied the maid.

As I was already tempted, I didn't need more encouragement to proceed. In fact, I even managed to convince myself that this was purely a tactical move. If I wore kimonos, there were fewer chances that someone would recognise me as an Ishinshishi. 

I looked carefully at each kimono the old man showed me. They were all made of a rich fabric, but some were of an outstanding quality. As these were probably very expensive and as I didn't want to spend too much money and feel indebted to my uncle, I dismissed them and chose three more simple kimonos with their assorted obis. Still they were nicely coloured and they looked nicer than most clothes did. 

"That's a nice choice, miss. May I also offer you this one as a gift, from me."

The man showed me the kimono he was referring to. Saying it was lovely would be a lie: it was simply gorgeous. I had looked at it with envy when the man had first shown it to me, before wisely dismissing it along with the other expensive clothes.

"I can't accept this… It's too much..."

"It's my pleasure to offer it, miss. Take it or I'll be very deceived."

Unsure about what I should do, I looked at the maid who was standing behind the man. She was gesturing, trying to tell me that I shouldn't refuse such a gift. Besides, it was such a nice kimono…

"I… I'll take it."

I smiled happily like a little girl while the old man folded the kimono and put it aside with my other purchases. I couldn't take my eyes off it while the man left with the maid. I now realised that, during the last two months, I had missed wearing feminine clothes. That was probably the last thing I had expected. The maid soon came back.

"I want to get dress. Help me try this one." I said, showing one of the three kimonos I had first chose.

"Sure."

She helped me get up and I managed to stand still while she helped me get dressed. It didn't take long before my eyes wondered again on the unexpected gift.

"Why did he give me such a present? This thing probably cost a fortune…"

"Yes, it probably does. But you had to accept it. You see, a lot of merchants, like this man, give from time o time gifts to the Shinsengumi. That's their way of making sure that the Shinsengumi will protect their families and their belongings. For that man, giving you a kimono is a sort of investment."

"Oh! I see…"

"That's how we get free pickles, free rice, free fish, free firewood, free futons, a free roof last year and so on... I can't remember the whole list."

I took a few moments to think about what I had just learned. So many peoples counted on the Shinsengumi. So many people thought that they were the good guys and that we were the bad guys... 

"There you go" said the maid, while she finished tying my obi. "You look simply fabulous. I'll just arrange your hair and it will be perfect." 

I could see my refection in the window. I smiled happily. It was strange to see how clothes could change a person. Each time I wore a kimono, I always got compliments from everyone and men were even looking at me with admiration. But each time I dressed as a man, I kind of went unnoticed. I had went unnoticed for such a while now that the change would be more than welcome.

The maid was almost finished with my hair when someone else knocked. She put the last pin in place and went to welcome the newcomer. It was Soushi. 

"Tokio, you look simply astonishing!" Said Soushi as the maid left the room.

"Thank you!"

I smiled happily, savouring my first compliment in months. Seeing that I had great difficulties standing still, Soushi rushed over to help me.

"Soushi, could I ask you a favour."

"Yes, sure."

"I have seen enough of these walls. I have been stuck here, in this room, for eight days. And that is without taking into account the ten days I spent unconscious. Please, help me go downstairs."

"I don't know if…"

He stopped talking, seeing my pleading look, and forgot about any objections he had in mind.

And we were on our way. I was still really weak and it was a bit like if I had forgot how to walk. I had to think before taking each step so it took us quite a while to reach the first floor. But, once there, I was really glad I had achieved this. 

On our way, we met some Shinsengumi members and exchange a few words with each of them. They all seemed happy to see me as, for more than two weeks now, they had all been wondering what Tokio Takagi might look like. 

As soon as we entered the main room, I spotted Saitou. He was there, reading a report. Unconsciously, I think that I had hoped to meet him. It would be the first time in days that we would exchange a few words. 

I would have spoke with him immediately, but Soushi headed toward a different direction: he had to talk with other Shinsengumi members. Which one? I don't really remember. I wasn't paying attention anymore. I was only focused on Saitou's presence. I was waiting for the moment where he would finally see me. 

But he only kept reading his report. I knew he was doing this on purpose. He simply couldn't have noticed our presence: Soushi was loud enough.

"Saitou-san! Come here. You see! Tokio-san finally came out of her room!" said Soushi, once finished with his discussion.

I almost stop breathing as Saitou raised his head from his work. I had expected him to be at least a bit happy to see that I was feeling better. But he only looked disdainfully at us before leaving the room.

I was still a bit shocked by this strange reaction when Soushi gently told me.

"You shouldn't worry about Saitou-san's attitude. He acts like that with everyone…"

Soushi then tried to make me forget what had happened by introducing me to other people, but it was in vain. Saitou's reaction had perturbed me very much. Even if I tried to reason myself, by remembering Soushi's words, it didn't work. Yes, maybe Saitou acted like that with everyone, but that was the main problem: I didn't want to just be anyone. 

"Soushi. I'm feeling tired. I think that this is enough for today. I'll try again tomorrow…"

And we went back to my room. The whole trip hadn't taken more than a half-hour, but now, I was totally exhausted. Physically and emotionally.

***

During the next few days, I did daily excursions outside my room with Soushi. At first, I would get tired fast, but gradually, my strengths were finally coming back. 

I really enjoyed these trips downstairs. None of the Shinsengumi members I met suspected my true identity. They were all very friendly with me and I truly appreciated it. But I felt guilty about having to lie to them about my past. It was ironic to see that when I had been known as Takeru Nakane, I had done everything in my power in order to hide my true name: Tokio Takagi. And now that I was known, once again, as Tokio Takagi, I was doing everything in my power in order to hide my other identity: Takeru Nakane…

I didn't meet Saitou again on these excursions. I think that he was deliberately avoiding me. Why? That remained a mystery… 

***

A week after I had first came out of my room, I was finally able to walk by myself. Not for too long, but it was better than nothing. And, I knew that soon, everything would be back to normal.

The only thing that still bothered me was my right shoulder. Even with all the efforts I made, I couldn't move my arm freely without suffering from great pain. I would have to wait a little bit more before being able to do everything I used to.

All in all, I had been in this headquarters for twenty-five days. December was here, and I somehow felt that I had already stayed too long in this place. I should leave soon. But still, I wasn't strong enough to travel hundred of miles. Maybe in a week…

I had to plan a lot of things before even thinking of going back to Aizu. Traveling was difficult these days. As there were a lot of checkpoints on the road, a woman like me couldn't travel freely in the country. Of course, I could have asked my uncle to send me the right papers, but I didn't want to feel too much indebted to him. He was already covering all of my current expenses… Also, it would take a lot of time before I received the papers. Way too much time for someone who had expressed the wish to leave this place as soon as possible. 

I would have to travel through the forest and try to skip all the checkpoints. But that was a very dangerous thing to do. You could get caught and be in deep trouble. And you never knew whom you could meet….

Even if I didn't really want to fight anymore, I probably wouldn't have the choice during that trip. That would also delay my departure. I was barely able to walk, how then would I be able to defend my life on the road?

Maybe that thinking of leaving in a week was way too optimistic… Maybe in two weeks. Or three. I would then have enough time to train. If I could just find out where my sword was, I would certainly go back to training. But I hadn't seen it since I had got here. 

"Good afternoon, Tokio-san! Today, I thought that we might…"

"Soushi, where is my sword?"

"Your sword…?" replied Soushi, surprised by my sudden question.

"Yes, my sword. I was fighting just before I collapsed in the street. So, I'm pretty sure that I had my sword with me. Where is it now?"

"Oh! That sword… I think that Saitou-san has it…" 

"Why?"

"To tell the truth I don't think that Saitou-san really trusts you. Well, he doesn't trust you enough to leave a sword in your room."

"Does he really think that I'm going to attack the people who saved my life? "

"Well… Yes…"

"That's why he's been avoiding me?"

"Huh… That might be a part of the explanation, but…"

"Soushi, where is Saitou?"

"In his room, but…"

"And where is his room?"

"Third door on the left after the stairs, but if I were you I wouldn't…"

I never heard the rest of Soushi's sentence. I was already gone. But, with every step I took, I was less and less angry and I realised what Saitou's attitude meant.

You're not supposed to bind with the enemy. And it was normal that I was still considered as a potential enemy. I had been foolish to think that Saitou would ever come to consider me otherwise. Yes, I had been very foolish. 

When I reached Saitou's room, my mood had totally changed. I had intended to rush in his room and tell him that I fully realised what he had risked in order to bring me here. That he had no right to think that I might betray his trust. That I had more honour than that. And that, some people, like Soushi, could see it…

But now, I was standing in front of his shouji, unsure of what I should do. I knew that Saitou had the right not to trust me. I was overreacting. Once again.

I was still blankly staring at the shouji. From the corner of my eye, I could see Soushi waving at me. He was trying to tell me that I should come back in my own room. I was going to listen to his silent advice when I realized that it was already too late to retreat. The shouji had been violently pushed aside and Saitou was standing right in front of me.

"You wanted to tell me something, Takagi?"

"No… well… yes. It's just that…. Okita-san told me that you have my sword. I was wondering if I could have it back."

"No."

"Oh…"

"Did you really expect another answer?"

"Well… no. But… you see that sword was very important to me. It was a gift from my brother. He gave it to me two years ago, just before he left for Kyoto. And now that he's dead, that's the only thing I've got to remember him."

Saitou stared at me for quite a while, with a clear superior smirk on his lips. He had the advantage and he liked it. I was totally at Saitou's mercy and I didn't enjoy it.

Finally, he said.

"I'll give you your sword when you'll leave this place."

"Then… I'll come back in two or three weeks as I planned to leave for Aizu as soon as I'll be able to travel."

Saitou looked liked he couldn't care less about what I might or might not do. I waited for a reply, but that reply never came.

He closed the shouji as abruptly as he had opened it and left me there in the corridor. I was a bit stunned by what I had told him. There is a difference between thinking of leaving and officially announcing it to someone. A step I had not totally been prepared to take. There was definitely unfinished business between Saitou and me. 

I was realising it now, my feelings toward him had evolved during the last few days. At first, I had only felt fascinated by this man and somewhat attracted. But now… I had to admit it: I was beginning to feel something much deeper and stronger. It was a feeling which had started to emerge after I had been "rescued" by him in the streets. 

Was it love? Maybe… I had never really loved anyone before so it was hard to tell. But whatever this was, it really hurt. It hurt because I knew that there were very few chances that Saitou would ever allow himself to share the same feelings. He still saw me as an enemy…

But he was the one who had encouraged me to develop this feeling. First, he had showed me that he had desire for me, once, that night in my headquarters. Second, he had risk a lot by bringing me back here.

But even if he felt something for me, it was really foolish to believe that this man would do something about it. He seemed to be above such things.

Sadly, I finally turned away and slowly went back to my own room. In a few days I would have to leave this place. Somehow, maybe announcing my intentions to Saitou had been a good thing. I had no other choice than to leave now. And if he surprisingly wanted our relation to evolve into something more, he was now aware of the fact that he would have to make a move. Or not.

To be continued

Note

For those who wouldn't know it Okita was the captain of the Shinsengumi's first troop. He was a really skilled fighter. He died of tuberculosis, in a hospital, in 1868.

To the reviewers

Special thanks to Wolf of Mibu, Kamorgana, Muemosyne, Mibu no Ookami, Alice, L. Sith, SilverNimbus, Spongebob, IceRain, Keito-chan, Leila Winters, Midnight Scribbler, Deathblade, Dragona and Aiteane, who took the time to review this story.

À la prochaine,

Mary-Ann


	8. Hopes and deceptions

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Disclaimer: I do not own, in any way, Rurouni Kenshin. Watsuki-sama does. I'm only borrowing his characters for a while.

As you probably noticed, things are slowly escalating between Tokio and Saitou. And, if you keep reading, your patience will finally be rewarded in a few more chapters…

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Chapter 8 – Hopes and deceptions

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When I returned to my room, Soushi was still there. He had been waiting for me and looked even a bit worried. 

"What did you told him?"

"That I wanted my sword back."

"And what did he replied?"

"That he'll give it back to me, when I'll leave this place."

"Oh! And then…?"

"Nothing."

Yes nothing. That's exactly what had happened. Nothing. And now, I was feeling so empty. I had realised that I loved a man who would probably never return my feelings. A man who couldn't return my feelings. And I would have to go on and forget about all of this. The sooner, the better.

But could I really do it? How could I forget someone like that? Three months had passed since I first met Saitou. Gradually, I had become obsessed and now I even loved him. No, I wouldn't be able to forget that man so easily…

"Soushi…"

"Yes, Tokio-san?"

"May I ask you a question?"

"Anything…"

"Everyday, you come here to see me. You talk with me, you learn some things about my life and I learn some things about yours. And I really enjoy those moments with you."

I paused. I didn't know if I should really talk about this with Soushi. It was a very touchy subject...

"My question is: during the time you spent with me, or even away from me, did you ever considered me as a potential enemy? Someone who could betray your trust? Someone who might eventually fight with the Ishinshishi, once again? Someone who might be living a lie right in front of you?"

Soushi waited a bit before answering. Even if I hadn't clearly expressed everything I had in mind, I think that he knew exactly what I had meant. He knew that I had been hurt by Saitou's reaction and that I wanted to know if he had ever considered me the same way. 

"I'm going to be totally honest with you, Tokio-san. At first, I had been reluctant to come and see you in your room. I thought about it for two days before actually doing it. I feared, like Saitou-san, that you might turn against us as soon as you would feel better. In fact, back then, I really didn't thought that bringing you here was a wise decision … But what is done is done…"

I tensed at these words, even if they were spoken on the gentlest tone I had ever heard. 

"But, as soon as I talked to you, all my worst fears disappeared. You are a nice person, Tokio-san, and you are even more than that. You are an honourable fighter. You are made from the same wood as Saitou-san and me. When you speak, I know for sure that you are telling the truth. And I know that your personal believes would never allow you to turn your back against those who saved your life. No matter if we were once fighting on different sides."

I smiled shyly before answering.

"Thank you Soushi. But… apparently, not everyone thinks the same thing…"

The words had come out of my mouth before I could stop them. And I had spoken with pain and regret. Of course, Soushi knew that Saitou's attitude had hurt my feelings, but was it wise to show him how much? 

Soushi blankly stared at me for a while, but gradually, an expression of deep understanding appeared in his eyes. 

"You know, Saitou-san has never really been an open person. He doesn't totally trust anyone. Not even me, his best friend. That's just how he is. It has nothing to do with you."

"Thanks Soushi." I said, shyly.

I had the feeling that Soushi wanted to tell me something more. But, at the last moment, he had apparently changed his mind. He only kindly smiled and, before leaving the room, he said.

"Everything will be alright, Tokio-san. I trust you and everyone here really enjoy your presence. And I'm sure that even if he won't show it, Saitou-san does too."

***

Five days later, I was still thinking about what Soushi had told me. I was trying to figure out if Saitou really appreciated my presence or not. I had met him twice in the corridors, but his attitude had practically destroyed my hopes. He had built a wall of silence around him and nothing I did seemed to be able to reach him.

But somehow, I was still hoping. I knew that it was a very foolish thing to do, but I simply couldn't help it. Every time Saitou was involved, I just behaved like a brainless teenage girl.

Of course, during those five days, I had not only thought about Saitou. I had started training. At first, I did it alone, without any weapons, in my room, when no one was around. But I soon realized that it wasn't enough. I needed help. Knowing that Soushi was the sole person who could help me, I asked for his assistance. He hesitated a lot before finally accepting, today. Even convincing him to lend me some old training clothes had been a challenge. 

In fact, Soushi had only good reasons to hesitate. He was afraid that the other Miburos might find it weird if they saw a woman train. They might even start suspecting something. But I finally had the last word when I told him that, at first, we could only do simple exercises without any weapons and that, if someone ever wondered why I was training, we could always say that Soushi was helping me with my right shoulder.

Yes, after all this time, my right shoulder was still very painful. Of course, it wasn't as bad as it used to be, but it limited me during my training. I was beginning to seriously doubt the fact that I would be one day able to fight like I used to.

We were now in the training hall and I was ready for my first lesson. Soushi was waiting for the right moment as he wanted to be sure that no one was around. He didn't want anyone to witness anything which might be suspect. 

After what seemed to be an eternity, Soushi finally broke the silence.

"Tokio-san, try to attack me, using only your bare hands."

I nodded and wondered how I might be able, in my condition, to break Soushi's defence. It seemed to be an almost impossible challenge. But at least, I had to try. If I wanted to be strong enough to travel and to defend my life on the road, I had to try. 

I searched for any weak point Soushi might have. I saw none. I would have to try to catch him off guards, somehow. I took a deep breath and went for it.

Of course, Soushi blocked my first move and all my following moves. I was really slow, but even if I had been feeling better, I would have loose. Soushi was deliberately lowering his level. He could have done much better, but as he didn't want to hurt me, he was only merely blocking and not even attacking.

I felt totally powerless in front of him. There was nothing I could do to break his defence. In fact, I had to admit that it was partially my fault. I wasn't completely focused on the fight. Getting back in shape only made me think of the trip to come. 

Sensing that I wasn't focused, Soushi finally attacked me in order to bring me back to reality. In only one blow, his fist touched my weak shoulder. Not very hard: he had stopped just in time. In a real fight, for sure, I would now be suffering from great pain.

"Concentrate, Tokio. You can't win if you can't concentrate. Try again."

For the next few moves, I followed his advice and stopped thinking about all the things I had to do before going back to Aizu. But soon, the forbidden thoughts were back. 

I had left some things dear to my heart at the Ishinshishi's headquarters. Things my parents had given to me in some cherished moments. I had to get these things back before I left. I simply couldn't leave them behind…

I suddenly came back to reality when I noticed, at the last moment, that Soushi was going to hit me a second time. I had no time to think so I did the first thing that came to my mind: I moved right. Bad choice.

If I hadn't move, Soushi's punch would have barely touch me. If I had moved left, I would have avoided it. If I had moved backward I would have avoid it. But, by moving right, I did the only thing I shouldn't have. Soushi's punch directly hit my already painful right shoulder.

Under the shock and loosing my balance, I rapidly grabbed Soushi's collar. But that was totally useless. We both fell violently on the ground.

We were both lying on the floor, stunned. And suddenly, I burst out laughing.

"What?"

"Well…" 

As I was laughing too much, the words didn't come out of my mouth.

"What?" repeated Soushi.

"I finally broke your defence!"

Soushi's laugh rapidly joined mine. A true laugh. Not the fake one he was habitually using. It was so good to hear it. And while I was laughing, I was beginning to feel better. I should have tried this sooner.

I didn't noticed Saitou coming into the room. I didn't notice that Saitou was standing only a feet away from our heads. I was still laughing, but Soushi was now silent. Wondering what was wrong, I opened my eyes and saw Saitou's face, right above me. He looked deadly serious and not too pleased. Soushi got up to his feet and I quickly did the same thing.

"Yes, Saitou-san?" wondered Soushi.

"Could I have a word with you, Okita. Now."

"Sure. What is it?" 

"Alone." added Saitou, looking sideways at me.

I didn't wait to be told twice. I left the room without further delay. I had just spent a great time with Soushi and I didn't want Saitou to ruin it. I didn't want to hear his nasty comments. Not now.

***

There was a lot of action that day in the Shinsengumi's headquarters. Something important was probably happening. It was almost dark outside and practically everyone was out, patrolling in the streets. Of course, no one told me what was exactly going on, but I had managed to catch some glimpses of conversations here and there. Words reached my ears more often than others: Ishinshishi and southern district.

If, as I supposed, all the Ishinshishi and Shinsengumi were fighting in the southern district, I could then walk almost freely to the Ishinshishi's headquarters and pick up the few things I had left in the room I once shared with Himura. No one would ever notice what I was doing: they were way too busy for that.

I went downstairs and I waited in the main room for a while, trying to look as innocent as I could. But as soon as I was absolutely certain of the fact that no one was around, I walked through the main door and quickly headed toward the Ishinshishi's headquarters.

I was wearing a kimono. Maybe it wasn't particularly wise to walk in the streets, at night, dressed as a woman, but I still preferred that to taking the risk of being identified as Takeru Nakane by an Ishinshishi member.

I walked as fast as I could in the deserted streets, which wasn't really fast due to my still weak body. It would take me a little more than a half-hour to reach the headquarters if everything went well.

I couldn't stop being worried. Every five steps, I would take a furtive glance over my shoulder to check if no one had follow me. Of course, if anyone had really followed me, this would have seemed more than suspect, but I simply couldn't help it. I had never been this nervous before. Without a sword to protect me, without the right clothes, without any strength left and with everyone turned against me, I couldn't help feeling vulnerable.

I would have to get use to this kind of situation. I couldn't change the past. I couldn't change the choices I had made in my life. I had to learn to be strong again. Like before.

I finally reached the Ishinshishi's headquarters without any incident. I stayed outside for a while and simply observed the building. Remembering the past, I felt a bit of repulsion toward the place and only the look of it made me want to go back as soon as I could to the Shinsengumi's headquarters.

I tried to reason myself: there was probably no one around, it was just an empty building. Nothing else. I had to stop thinking like a child. I finally walked directly toward the main door. I opened it and l listened. Not a single sound reached my ears.

I didn't wait any longer and entered in the building. I walked as carefully as I could, as I didn't want to make too much noise. I finally reached the stairs and slowly climbed one step at a time. I had almost reached the second floor when voices caught my attention. I stopped breathing and leaned against the wall. I suddenly wished I could disappear.

As the voices faded out, I started breathing again. I changed strategy. This was simply too long. Instead, I practically ran toward what was once my room. I opened the shouji without further delay, went in the room, closed the shouji and tried to catch my breath. This was way too much for my health condition.

The room was very dark and, as my eyes were beginning to get used to it, I noticed a living form looking by the window. I was not alone.

"Himura-san? Is that you?"

I already knew the answer, but I still asked it. It was the only thing to do. 

Himura slowly turned around. I couldn't see him much, but I had the feeling that he wasn't too pleased to see me. He probably had some doubts about my true allegiance. He already knew that I had lied to the Ishinshishi once, to hide my true identity…

"Yes." he answered briefly. Then he added, "It's December 9th today. It's been exactly a month... What brings you here now?"

"I... I just came to pick up a few things."

"Do as you wish."

In the obscurity, I tried to find everything. First, I found the two books my father had gave me for my birthday, a few weeks before his death. They had been his favourites when he had been younger. Giving them to me had been a symbolic gesture for him. Then, I found my mother's dagger. It was a complex and delicate artwork but it was also a very good dagger. When Asaki had left the house to join the Ishinshishi, my parents had tried to stop me from following his example by forbidding me to train or fight. Realising that I didn't wanted to be a woman unable to protect herself, my mother had given me this dagger, in a rare attempt of generosity and compassion. On that occasion she had told me that, even if it was improper to carry a sword around, a dagger was acceptable.

I hide everything in my obi. I looked in Himura's direction and noticed that he was again looking by the window, trying to act like if I wasn't in the room. 

"Himura... I didn't betray the Ishinshishi. I really fought in the streets that night. With all my heart. But I was badly wounded. I would have died if some good people had not nursed me."

"I noticed that you're walking with a limp." he said, still not looking at me.

"Yes. But I'm going better everyday..."

"That's a good sign."

Even if his words were very polite, I was feeling that I had lost his confidence. The link between us seemed to be broken. I couldn't help to feel sorry for that. I made a last attempt.

"Himura-san, even if I wasn't in the best state of mind that night, I never meant to harm any of the members of this clan. I wouldn't have run away from my responsibilities. Not having been injured, I would have come back right away. But you see, I spent the first 10 days unconscious. After that, I was really too weak to even walk. How could I have come back? And then, during my recovery, I learned, with surprise, that I wasn't welcomed here anymore. That's why I simply decided to stay where I was. Please try to understand."

Finally, Himura turned around to look at me. I had spoken with my hearth and he had sensed it. He smiled faintly and told me.

"It's okay, I believe you, Nakane-san or whoever you are."

"Thank you."

"What are you going to do now?"

"Leave Kyoto and return to where I belong. I have enough of this. But I hope that, for you, things are at least going better since Takasugi left."

"Things haven't change much. One of Katsura right hand men have simply been assigned to the leading position. At least, we are now way more organised than we were before. It's a good thing."

"Oh! I see."

Not really knowing what to say to each other anymore, we both remained silent. Finally, Himura broke the silence.

"Well then, let me wish you good luck in your new life. Also, let me warn you: you should leave this place right now. When you came in, I had just came back from the southern district. The others were going to follow me, soon..."

"Thank you. Thank you for everything" 

Himura then turned around to look by the window. 

"There is no one in the street. You won't have any problems if you leave right now."

I opened the shouji and that was all. Everything here was really behind me. Of course, Himura knew that I had not told him the whole truth, but he had not doubted my true intentions.

I went out of the headquarters as quickly as I could, like Himura had advised. Once outside, I raised my head and took a last glance at the building. I could see Himura's silhouette at the window. I acknowledge his presence with a little head bow. Then, I headed toward the Shinsengumi's headquarters.

I was already very tired, as I had already walked too much for my limited capacities. I would now even more totally unable to defend myself if anything happened. So, knowing that the Ishinshishi weren't very far away, I was feeling even more nervous than when I had came.

Just as I left Himura's field of vision, a tall man emerged from the bushes of the headquarter's ground. He grabbed me by the arm and pulled me in the bushes. Everything had happen very quickly. I was going to scream, but before I could do it, the man put his strong hand on my mouth in order to prevent any sound from coming out.

"Calm down." said an authoritarian voice I knew too well. Saitou.

His eyes were somewhat menacing. I felt a shiver run down through my spine. I didn't knew if it was from fear or from excitement. Saitou just stared at me, studying me, judging me. Then, he looked at the headquarters. His lips slowly curled in a smirk.

"So, this is the Ishinshishi's headquarters. It's very small. No wonder we didn't found it this time. Did they choose this place planning experiencing human losses?" 

I remained silent. There was simply nothing to answer to those sarcasms. Besides, I didn't want to answer. Anything I would say about this place would make me betray the Ishinshishi.

"Would you be playing on both sides, Takagi?"

"No."

"How do you explain your presence here, then?"

"Hearing that everyone was busy in the southern district, I thought that now was the right moment to come here and pick some of my belongings."

As my hands were totally empty, Saitou was looking at me in total disbelief. I pulled the two books and the dagger out of my obi, in order to back my words.

"Here, you see. These are very dear to my heart. They are from my parents. You wouldn't understand."

Saitou's look proved my point: clearly he didn't understood this. He took the dagger, anyway, and examined it. 

During that inspection, I took the time to carefully look at him. We were so close to each other that I could feel his body heat. I could feel his strength. He was way more powerful than I was. But also, I was now certain that I shouldn't fear him. He would never deliberately physically hurt me. Emotionally maybe, but not physically. I just knew it…

"Nice work" he said finally, before hiding the dagger in his own clothes.

"Hey! That's mine..."

"I'll put it with your sword..."

Saitou smirked before he started to walk toward Shinsengumi's headquarters. Too shocked by his latest actions, I didn't even thought of following him. After a few steps, as I still hadn't move, he glanced sideways at me and said.

"We don't have all night, Takagi."

I quickly put the books back in my obi and silently obeyed. It was the only thing to do.

Saitou was walking way much faster than I could, and he didn't cared waiting for me. There was now a good distance between us and, as I was staring at his back, between two thoughts about how athletic he was, I couldn't help wondering why I had to run right into him. He already didn't trust me, what would it be like now?

We had covered more than half the distance when Saitou finally dared check if I was still following. As it was not really the case, he paused to wait for me and lit a cigarette while I was slowly reducing the distance between us.

When I reached him, he was already lighting a second cigarette. I was totally exhausted. I leaned against the wall of a shop, but realising that I really need to rest, I finally decided to sit on the ground. My kimono would be almost ruined for sure, but I didn't care. I was too tired to care.

"You can go. I'm staying here for a while."

"And get you killed? After all the trouble I went through to protect you?"

He leaned against the wall, right beside where I was, smoking while I was deliberating over Saitou's words. I was wondering if it was really a coincidence.

"Were you following me?"

"No."

"Why were you waiting for me hidden in the bushes then?"

"You're really giving yourself too much importance, Takagi. I was simply following some Ishinshishi who were leading me directly to their headquarters when I saw you enter the building."

"But you waited for me to come out. And you questioned me. And you confiscated my dagger... You really don't trust me, don't you?" there was beginning to be a touch of resentment and protest in my voice.

"Appearances are against you, Takagi."

"Do you really mistrust me that much? Do you really think I have absolutely no honour and that I can betray absolutely everyone in the blink of an eye? Well, I'm not like that. And that is why I decided to stay neutral in the conflict between the Shinsengumi and the Ishinshishi. Can you at least believe me when I say that?" I said, now totally mad at him.

"Nice to see that your temper is coming back, Takagi. I had thought that the last events had turned you into a harmless kitten." replied Saitou, as he lit a third cigarette, not daring answering any of my questions.

I didn't reply anything. I just tried to calm down. The man had really pissed me off tonight. He was acting like a total jerk and really had no consideration for me. I was almost beginning to be ashamed of myself for actually having feelings for him.

Even if I was still very tired, I got up to my feet. I didn't felt like staying here any longer. I began walking while Saitou silently followed me. At least, this time, he respected my walking pace.

When we reached the headquarters, I went directly to my room without even looking at him.

***

Later that night, I was in the bathhouse, trying to see clearly in this whole story. 

Even if Saitou was acting like a total jerk, even if I knew that having feelings for him was totally hopeless, I still couldn't help loving him. It would be so much easier if I could fall for someone like Soushi, or even Himura, but it was not the case. I guess that I somehow liked heartless bastards...

Almost regretfully, I left the warm water of the bath and walked back to my room. I was only a few feets away from it when I suddenly realised that something was wrong. The shouji was opened... I was absolutely certain that I had closed it before going to the bathhouse...

Not really knowing what to think of this, I walked very slowly and almost sneaked in my own room. A quick glance around convinced me that whoever had came here was now gone. The books were still there, the kimonos were still there. Nothing was missing.

I closed the shouji behind me and, as I walked toward my futon, I concluded that I might have been wrong. Maybe I had left the shouji open after all...

I had almost convinced myself that I was the one to blame when, the moon's reflection on metallic objects caught my attention. My sword and my dagger were on my futon. 

To be continued

__

To the reviewers

Special thanks to IceRain, C.G., Serenity, Leila Winters, L. Sith, Keito-chan, Kamorgana, Aiteane, Alice, Charmed-anime, dadsnavygirl831, Midnight Scribbler and Muemosyne, who took the time to review this story. (^-^)

À la prochaine,

Mary-Ann


	9. Isami Kondou

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Disclaimer: I do not own, in any way, Rurouni Kenshin. Watsuki-sama does. I'm only borrowing his characters for a while.

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Chapter 9 – Isami Kondou

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I woke up next morning, my head filled with happy thoughts. Saitou trusted me. Saitou believed me. I streched and yaned lazily. I should have got up, but I only wished to stay here a little while longer. I didn't want my hapiness to be disrupted by any external events.

I looked at the rays of sunlight illuminating parcels of the floor. I had never realised before how beautiful they were. Today, I was seeing the world from new perspective. Even my mother's dagger was looking different. I had left it right beside me. I reached for it and grabbed it. What a fine and delicate piece of work… I raised it over my head and just admired the sun's reflection on the blade. 

I was totally lost in my silent contemplation when the maid came into the room. Seeing me play with a dagger and realising that a sword was not too far away, she let out a small cry of fear.

I put the dagger aside and rapidly sat on my futon.

"It's okay. You don't have to fear anything. I won't hurt anyone."

Still, the maid looked unsure.

"These were mine. I simply got them back. I won't use them..."

Then, she understood. She shook her head in disapproval, but brought me my breakfast anyway.

"You should be more carefull, miss. You shouldn't be playing around with these. You know that your true identity shouldn't be revealed..."

"It worries you that much? So far, no one recognized me... I don't think that they ever will. It's too late now."

"It's never too late, miss."

"What do you mean?"

"You're begining to train, to dress in training clothes and now you're even having a sword... What would people think if they knew this?"

"No one saw me... And, if it bothers you that much, just hide my sword somewhere. I told you, I won't use it. But I'll keep the dagger with me. We never now what might happen..."

The maid sighed and shook her head in disaproval once more.

"I can't tell you what to do, miss. But I know what I would do. And I know what I wouldn't have done."

"You're blaming me for having been an Ishinshishi?" I bursted out.

"Shsss... You shouldn't speak so loudly..."

"You're blaming me for having been an Ishinshishi?" I repeated, almost whispering this time.

"Yes and no. Ishinshishi bring nothing but trouble. But young people have to make their own experiences. They always think that they can do better than the ones who preceded them. They think that they can change the world. How foolish…"

"You think that the new era won't come?" I said, on the verge of loosing my temper.

"Oh... It might come. But I doubt very much that it will be better than this one. From all times, there had been wars, useless deaths and sufferings. No one can change that. It's part of the human nature..."

"So, we should just simply stay there and watch? Is that what you do?"

"You're the one who's blaming me now... But no, I'm not only watching. I'm doing my share. I work in this place because people here are trying to protect what we have. They are trying to make sure that, at least, things won't degenerate... I might not be doing much, but I'm helping, in a certain way, these noble men to do their job."

"I'm sorry... I didn't want to offend you. And I didn't mean to lessen in any way the importance of your work."

"It's all right… Shall we hide the sword now?"

"Yes. But remember that you can hide my sword but you can't hide me… I'm not someone who simply stays in the shadows."

"You do as you wish miss, but remember that you are not the only one implied in this. People are playing their reputation to protect you."

"I remember it very well, thank you."

The maid picked up my sword and went in her own room to hide it. It would be very surprising if someone went there to search for it... 

While she was away, I couldn't help wondering if she was right... Some of her thoughts seemed kind of logical. But to tell that it was totally true... Unlike her, I had always thought, and still did, that an era of peace could be brought to this troubled country. But was it just because I was young and simply had too many expectations?

I didn't know the answers to those questions anymore. What was once clear in my mind was not anymore. Who were the bad guys and who were the good guys in this war? Was the truth somewhere in between? This was becoming confusing...

The maid came back to see if I needed anything else. I was going to answer no when I remembered my soiled kimono. I went to pick it up and showed the dust covering the once richly coloured fabric.

"Can you do something about this?"

"Yes, I sure can. I know that wondering how that dusts went on your kimono when you're supposed to stay inside the headquarters is none of my business, but still..."

"No, it's none of your business..."

I had been a little bit rude, but I had heard enough. It was really nice of her to offer me her advice, but the things she had already said were confusing enough like that…

I had always thought that the maid was only a brainless woman unable to think of something else than her housework. But now, I knew better. She was totally devoted to serve these men because she believed in their cause. I shouldn't have judged her like that. I truly regretted it now.

A few minutes ago, I was totally happy. Now, I was even more confused than before. I tried to look by the window to find my internal peace back, but it was gone.

***

Forgetting what had been said took me a long time. Only reading one of the books my father had given me before his death helped me. It was a very short book, but I understood perfectly well why my father had appreciated it so much. It was the story of a man who was willing to do anything for his wife and children. It was the story of the love that man had for his little family. It was the story of his devotion. 

Once I put the book down, my head was filled with romantic thoughts. I was dreaming that I was the happy wife and that it was Saitou who did those things for me... Then, I began laughing out loud. That was simply impossible. That was too much unlike Saitou. Yes, he had given me my sword and my dagger back. It was a small step forward, but it was still very far from the romantic words and actions described in the book.

I got up and put the book aside. One of those days, if I kept reading too much of these, I would forget how the real world was. As I had been sitting for a little too long, I streched while wondering what I should do next. My eyes wandered around the room and stopped on the kimono the merchant had gave me as a gift.

I start unfolding it and simply took time to examine the intricate pattern. I didn't heard Soushi come in the room.

"Tokio-san! I didn't know that you owned such a thing."

"Actually, I don't really feel like if I "own" it... But, you could say that I do."

Soushi seemed to be puzzled by my words, but then, he simply ignored what I had said and asked.

"Tokio-san, you look quite happy today. Something happened? Did you receive news from Aizu?"

I remained silent for a while. Of course I was happy. Saitou finally trusted me. But should I tell Soushi? No... There are some things we prefer keeping for ourselves.

"No, I didn't receive any news. I just woke up feeling happy. That's all..." I answered, evasively.

Soushi stared at me very sceptically. Decidely, he had a hard time figuring me today.

"Should we go train, Tokio-san?"

"Yes, of course..."

***

A few days later, we were once again in the training hall. Soushi had really helped me a lot lately. I really don't know what I would have done without him.

I had improved over the past few days. I think that I had regained about thirty percent of my original strength. It wasn't much, but it was very respectable. At least, I would be able to defend myself against unskilled or weak attackers. 

I intended to leave for Aizu when I would have regained at least fifty percent of my original strength. That was what I needed to travel almost safely. If my estimations were correct, that would be in about a week from now.

"Good work, Tokio! That was a nice shot!" said Soushi, trying to encourage me.

If Soushi had only known how I used to fight, he wouldn't think that this was a nice shot... 

"Thanks Soushi!" I answered anyway.

Soushi had been, for a while, shooting questioning glances toward something or someone behind my back. Curious, I turned around in order to see what was distrubing him. Saitou was leaning against the wall, smoking while observing my training session. 

Saitou... What was he doing here? After that night in the streets, he had somehow completely vanished from the headquarters. Had he been avoiding me deliberately or was it just because of his work? It was hard to tell. But seeing him there, I was ready to forgive everything.

"Is there something you wanted to tell me, Saitou-san?" politely asked Soushi.

"No. I just have a few words to say to Takagi. But that can wait."

I stared at him, surprised and expectant. As he was observing me, I blushed under his gaze. Confused and looking forward to an excuse to escape this embarrassing moment, I turned toward Soushi to tell him that we could resume practice. But I felt even more embarrassed when I realised that Soushi had been closely observing during that short exchange. He looked amused by our behaviour. He seemed to know more about my strange relationship with Saitou than I myself did... 

Soushi stopped grinning and we practise, but soon, Soushi understood that I was now more focused on Saitou's presence than on my training.

"Well, that's enough for today, Tokio-san. You're improving very fast. Saitou-san, she's all yours now."

I tried to keep my mind off the double meaning of these words as I walked across the hall. Soushi had done it on purpose, to tease us. I leaned against the wall right beside Saitou.

I remained silent. I was trying to catch my breath and to look as detached as I could, to match Saitou's behaviour. But in fact, all I really wanted was to hug him, and maybe a bit more than that, in order to thank him for his trust.

"You wanted to tell me something?" I finally managed to say, almost coolly.

Saitou stared at his cigarette and then took a deep drag before he finally deigned answer me.

"It's just a message from Kondou."

Kondou... Oh, yes: the Shinsengumi's head chef. I still hadn't had the chance to meet him.

"Oh…! And what does he want?"

"To meet you. He's giving a small reception, right here in the training hall, tonight. A few Kyoto's officials, their wives, the ten captains of the Shinsengumi and their wives, for those who have one."

"And, he wants me there?"

"Yes. In fact, as I'm the one who brought you here, he asked me to present you to everyone..." Saitou snorted disdainfully at these words.

"I supposed that it is a very formal reception?" I said, trying not to sound offended.

"Yes, it is." he answered shortly. "Try to be ready in time. I don't enjoy much having to wait after people."

"You don't have to worry for that."

I then produced a little head bow and I left the room, leaving Saitou smoking alone. I should have gone directly to see the maid. I had to ask for her help as I would be totally unable to arrange gracefully my kimono alone. But I had other worries. I wanted to know what was behind Soushi's mischievous grin...

I reached Soushi's room and knocked, hoping he was there. Hopefully enough, the shouji was quickly drawn aside. 

"Oh! It's you, Tokio-san... come in."

I did as he told me and took the time to take a look around while Soushi rapidly tried to clean the place.

"So, what can I do for you?" he finally said.

"Is there something I should know about Saitou and me?"

Soushi suddendly looked totally embarassed.

"Tokio-san... I don't know if I should..."

"Soushi, I know that there was something you wanted to tell me the day I went to Saitou's room to get my sword back. And I know that you weren't smiling innocently downstairs. Please, tell me. It is very important to me."

Soushi hesitated for a while. Then he said.

"Yes, there might be things you should know. But it's a long story. So, don't just stand there. Sit and make yourself comfortable."

I did as Soushi told me and kneeled on the floor. Soushi kneeled right beside me. He waited for a while, searching for the right words. I was hoping that he would go faster. I was growing nervous. Soushi took a deep breath and finally began his story.

"I... I think that you disturb Saitou-san very much."

"Disturb?"

"Well, I think that you noticed the fact that he has been avoiding you. That is very unlike him. Generally, he doesn't care enough about people to trouble himself like that."

"Why is he doing this then?"

"You're seeking for a complex answer… When Saitou-san first noticed you in the streets, I think that you immediatly caught his attention. I was there, I saw it. Saitou-san doesn't normally look at women that particular way... Then one night, he told me that he saw you in the streets and that you were in fact one of the Ishinshishi. He was angrier than ever and I think that he wasn't too pleased by his previous inclination towards you. He swore that he would find you and kill you. Then I don't know what happened, but two days later, he seemed to have suddendly changed his mind about this commitment. I didn't dare comment on that."

I smiled shyly. I knew why. That was right after we saw each other that night at the Ishinshishi headquarters...

"Gradually, I came to realise that each time we heard that your unit was in a certain district of Kyoto, Saitou-san headed toward the exact opposite direction. I assumed that, somehow, he had developed some feelings for you and didn't want to have to kill you in a fight. But of course, he would never have admitted this."

So, that was why I hadn't seen him during those two long months... 

"And then, one day, Kondou talked about your uncle's request. Saitou knew who you really were and knew exactly where to find you, but he didn't say anything. It didn't surprise me at all when one night, he came back carrying you. At first, I even thought that he had deliberately injured you in a desperate attempt to bring you here by force..."

I laughed at the thought. Soushi's laugh joined mine.

"He tried to explain to me that he had done this only for the Shinsengumi's sake. That it was to keep your uncle's support. It made sense, but I think that he was mostly trying to convince himself… I didn't say anything and let him have his way. His love life was none of my business. But I couldn't help noticing that, while you were uncouscious, each day, he went to see the maid to check how you were doing."

I knew what Soushi was talking about. I had witness one of these conversations.

"As soon as you got better, he stopped doing this. I think that he had realised that it was, according to his own standards, becoming insane. I think that his feelings for you might have frightened him so that's why he's been avoiding you lately. And when he sees you, he acts like a total jerk only to be sure that you'll also avoid him. Like that, he thinks that his life will, one day, come back to normal."

Soushi stopped. He had finished talking.

"Did he talk to you about all this?"

"No, not a single word. But I've known him for so long that I can tell what he's been thinking..."

"Thank you Soushi." I said, smiling kindly.

"It was only natural to help a friend."

A friend... No one had ever really considered me this way...

I was smiling happily on the way to my room.

***

The maid was helping me with my clothes as I had asked her. I had already took a bath and decided that I was going to wear the kimono the merchant had gave me. I probably wouldn't have another opportunity to wear it soon...

"What kind of man is Isami Kondou?" I asked to the maid.

"An intelligent man. Severe in his judgments, hard with the swordsmen, but he knows how to run this place. And he is always fair. He never takes a decision in a hurry. He thinks and analyse first."

"Saitou once told me that he wouldn't be too pleased to know that I was once an Ishinshishi..."

"He wouldn't. But I don't think that he would treat a lady badly..."

"You think that he would forgive about what I did because I am a woman?"

"No... Not exactly. He would not forgive you. But you would not get killed. That's more like it."

"Oh! That's a nice thing to know..." 

I stared laughing nervously. I had spent more than a month in this place and no regrettable accident had occurred. Maybe going down there tonight would be playing with fire… I would have to watch my words closely. 

"There you go. Your kimono is just perfect. Let me arrange your hair. It's too bad that we don't have any nice ornaments, perfume or even some makeup..."

"Yes... I know..."

While the maid was arranging my hair, I look at my reflection in the window. I couldn't beleive that it was me. I was looking at the most distinguished and beautiful woman I had ever seen. Of course, the kimono was totally responsible for this. But I couldn't help feeling proud, anyway. I had never paid too much attention to my appearance before, but tonight, it was different…

"There you go. You're totally breathtaking."

"You think so?"

"No man could resist this lovely sight."

The maid then left the room. I had only a few minutes left before the reception began. I made sure that no one was around and then, I picked up my hidden dagger. I put it carefully in my obi, just in case something happened. 

Finally ready to go, I stood by the window for a while, starring out. Some people were already arriving by carriage. Some of the official's wives particularly caught my attention. I looked closely at their clothes. They definitely weren't as nice as mine were. I smiled of contentment: Saitou wouldn't have to be ashamed of having to be accompanied by me...

Finally, a heard someone knock on my shouji. I went to open it.

"It's time." said Saitou shortly.

I went out of my room, closed the shouji behind me and we headed downstairs. I could not go back now. I had to face the music. And I would. 

While walking beside Saitou, I looked at our reflection in the window placed at the end of the corridor. Together, we looked majestic.

Of course, Saitou hadn't made a single comment on my appearance and he hadn't looked at all impressed at all. In fact, he acted like if he hadn't notice anything special. But, thanks to Soushi, I now knew why… Not too long ago, I would have be totally devastated by this kind of attitude, but now, I even felt glad that he reacted this way. It showed me that he was still too strongly attracted to lower his guard. 

I cast sideway glances at him and thought how much I would love, right now, to be in his arms. But not used to this kind of business, I was too afraid to take the first steps. I was waiting, expectant. The best way to be deceived…

We made it to the training hall without exchanging a single word. The room was already filled with people. I immediately spotted all the captains. Even if we had come in early, we were probably the last one to arrive.

Saitou seemed to be leading me directly toward a small group of men. Soushi was among them. Right beside him, a taller man caught my attention. The others were talking to him only with great respect and their manners were somewhat stiff. I assumed that this man was Isami Kondou.

They all stopped talking as they saw us approach. We stopped right in front of Kondou. I was a bit nervous and unsure. But as I looked at the man's gentle eyes, I stopped worrying. The maid was right. This man would be fair with me if anything came to happen. And besides, nothing would happen.

"This, Kondou-sama, is Tokio Takagi." Said Saitou. I was supprised. It was the first time I heard him use a mark of respect while adressing someone.

"Takagi-san. It's a pleasure to finally have to chance to meet you."

"The pleasure is mine, sir." I said, bowing deeply.

"Takagi-san, I was just talking about how the support of the Aizu district is becoming more and more important for the Shinsengumi. With people like your late-father and your uncle, the Shinsengumi certainly have strong allies there..."

"My family always served the interrest of the Shogun with great devotion." Until this generation, I silently added.

"Okita-san, here, told me that you were going to leave us to go back to Aizu soon?"

"Yes, I have been away from my family for too long. I plan leaving in about a week."

"So soon? We just met... If you ever want to prolongate your stay here, don't hesitate. I'm sure that we would all appreciate it." 

Kondou then stop looking at me to cast a short meaningful glance at Saitou. Then, he looked at Soushi and wispered a few words to his ear. Soushi giggled a bit... I would have to talk to Soushi about this...

Then, Kondou kindly told me.

"I really hope that you'll spend a nice evening."

"I certainly will."

I bowed again. Our discussion was over. That was all the time Kondou could accord me. But, as he had been very nice, I didn't mind much. 

I understood, at Saitou's attitude that he already considered his job done for the night. He wouldn't introduce me to anyone else.

I started looking around. Some of the captains' wives were talking in a corner of the room. I knew them by sight, but I had never really talked to them. I walk over their group and tried to join their conversation, but only after a few minutes, I was deeply borred. 

I looked at Saitou, who was still talking with Soushi, Kondou and a few others. I wished that I could join that group instead. But I knew that it wasn't my place and that I wouldn't be welcome there.

Finally, a small man came to talk to me.

"Takagi-san, I suppose?"

"Yes. And you are?"

"Most people just call me Iwasaki. I'm one of Kyoto's officials."

"Oh! Yes, your name remembers me something."

Yes, I remembered his name. It had appeared on one of Takasugi's wanted list… I wondered how he had managed to survive this long to the Ishinshishi's assaults.

"I am an old friend of your father. I come from Aizu... I was very sad to hear that he is dead. If there is anything I can do to help your family in these times of suffering, just tell me. It will be my pleasure to help you."

"You're very kind, but my father's brother is already taking care of us."

"I'm relieved to hear this. You had an older brother I think... Asaki?"

"Yes."

"Is he fighting for the Shogunate right now?"

"No... He's not... He died a while ago."

"Oh! May I ask how it happened?"

"You have the right to ask, but I am sorry to say that I still can't really speak about this. It's too painfull."

I simply couldn't tell the man that my brother had not fight for the Shogunate but for the Ishinshishi and that he had died fighting...

As the man started telling me some old stories about my father, I suddendly had the impression of being watched. I looked around and noticed Saitou, still standing beside Kondou, intensely staring at me. 

I did the most mysterious smile I could and slowly turned away to face Iwasaki. I had the feeling that Saitou didn't enjoy much the attention that the older man was giving me. I had the feeling that he was going to react, no matter if he had decided to ignore me. But Kondou involuntarily stopped him from doing so.

"Tokio-san! Could you come here? There is something we have to ask you…"

I graciously excuse myself and quickly joined Kondou's circle.

"Here she is... We were wondering how the Aizu population was reacting to this conflict. Of course, we could refer to the official reports, but there is nothing like the opinion of someone who lived there..."

"When I left the city, the population still majoritarily supported the Shogun. Of course, everyone was a bit tired and was looking forward to the end of the war, but I think that the moral was still there."

"You see, that is exactly what I told you. We can absolutely count on the support of Aizu." said Kondou to a man I still hadn't noticed.

I looked at the stranger. I had already seen him somewhere before... But where? And when? 

Suddendly, I remembered. This was Asaki's killer. It was the man who had killed my brother three months ago...

I tried to stay as calm as possible. I couldn't do anything stupid. Not now. Not here. 

The discussion was still going on, but I wasn't listening. I had difficulties thinking clearly and I was only looking forward to the end of the reception. Once or twice, my hand instinctly tried to reach for my dagger in my obi, but I stopped just in time.

In my state of diziness, I hadn't notice that, unlike everyone else, Saitou had notice my discomfort and was strangely studying me.

To be continued

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Notes

Isami Kondou was born in 1834. He was the owner of a dojo in Edo. That is where he met Okita and Hijikata. Latter in his life, he founded the Shinsengumi.

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To the reviewers

Special thanks to C.G., Kamorgana, JadeGoddess, Alderine, Aiteane, Keito-chan, IceRain, L. Sith, Silver-wolf69, Wolf of Mibu, Befuddled, The Great Thing, Leila Winters, Charmed-anime, Bonessan and Dadsnavygirl831, who took the time to review this story. (^-^)

À la prochaine,

Mary-Ann


	10. Wicked games

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Disclaimer: I do not own, in any way, Rurouni Kenshin. Watsuki-sama does. I'm only borrowing his characters for a while.

Hi everyone! Thank you for your patience. Updating this took me way more time than what I first thought. It was a difficult chapter to write as the story has entered a delicate phase. But soon, the difficulties should vanish and I should be able to update more regularly. (Note that I used the word "should"…)

Special thanks to Kamorgana, who graciously offered to pre-read this. I truly appreciate your comments, your corrections and your support. ^-^

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Chapter 10 – Wicked games

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Finally able to leave the reception, I went directly into my room. I was still very confused. I didn't know how I should react to this. I started walking back and forth, trying desperately to find a solution to my newest problem.

Apparently, Asaki's murderer had not recognized me. After all, he had barely seen me that night. So, the wisest thing to do would be to simply stay here for another week, as stated, and then leave for Aizu, also as stated. That was what my mind told me. But my heart said otherwise. 

I was living with people who were on a friendly basis with my brother's killer. Of course, I should have known that this was a possibility. After all, the murderer had been fighting for the Shogunate. I had been so focused on Saitou that I had almost forgotten about these sorts of things. What a shameful oversight. And what a disillusion...

I simply couldn't stay here any longer. I had to leave this place. But also, I couldn't go back to Aizu before satisfying my long forgotten need for revenge. A need stronger than ever, now that we had met face to face. 

The only remaining option was to leave the Shinsengumi headquarters, find an inn somewhere in Kyoto and stay there until I found a way of accomplishing my vengeance… Yes, that was it. That was what I should do and that was what I would do. 

My uncle had sent me enough money to put this plan into action. That wasn't a problem at all. The only thing that bothered me was that I would now have to leave Saitou's side just as things were beginning to escalate between us. But wasn't he also one of _his_ supporters? I shouldn't keep feelings for him then… 

I rapidly changed kimono. It was too flashy to go unnoticed. Anyone could have tracked me down. Unfolding and folding the fabrics, I was keeping my hands busy, my thoughts were almost clear, but my heart was sinking. I had decided that I should forget my feelings for Saitou. There are some things that can't be forgiven. He might even have played a role in my brother's death. But still…

Finally wearing simpler clothes, I had to take the next step leading me out of this place. I had to get my sword back. The maid was not in her room as she was probably downstairs, erasing every trace of the reception. So, without any further delay, I entered her room and tried to guess where she could have hiddenmy sword. It didn't took me long to find it. Then, I went back to my own room and I began packing my stuff. My kimonos, the training clothes from Soushi, the sleeping clothes from the maid, the books from my father. I put my mother's dagger in my obi and slowly took a last look around. That was it. 

"Running away?" 

When I had came back from the maid's room, I had left the shouji opened, thinking that picking up my few belongings wouldn't take long enough for anyone to notice what I was doing. But now, Saitou was standing in the doorway and was watching me closely. I could see his strange amber eyes shinning dangerously in the dark.

"I already stayed too long at this place. I shouldn't have. I don't want to impose myself." 

My cheeks turned red. I was deliberately, and clumsily, lying to Saitou only a few days after I had urged him to trust me. And after he had trusted me…

I was starting to feel more and more uncomfortable under his persistent gaze. As I cast him furtive glances, I could read in his eyes that he didn't believe me at all. He knew that I was lying. He knew that I was hiding something important. He could so easily read all of my thoughts...

"Tell the truth, Takagi. I'm no fool."

Yes, he was no fool. But I couldn't freely answer his questions. I couldn't reveal my true intentions as they concerned his _friend_… I remained silent, hoping that he would leave me alone. But I knew that it wouldn't be the case.

"If you don't speak freely, I'll start asking questions... So, what's with tonight's guest? You looked like you could have killed him right on the spot."

I looked at him, stunned. So he had realized it. I thought that I had successfully hide my feelings... Who else might have noticed?

"No one else noticed, Takagi. You don't have to fear anything, but I still want to know the truth." said Saitou, reading me once more like an open book. 

The truth… Should I really tell him? I slowly raised my head to observe him more attentively. Yes, he looked severe and judgmental, but I still couldn't see him as an enemy. I couldn't. It was Saitou…

Besides, as he was blocking the doorway, I wouldn't be able to escape before providing satisfying answers to his questions. I had to answer: I had no other option. He would understand... Maybe… Probably not…

"That man, that _guest_, is my brother's murderer." I said with great difficulties.

"How did it happen?"

"Asaki was supposed to find the cause of suspect deaths among the Ishinshishi. His investigations led to that man. Three months ago, one night, they both met and fought. Asaki died..." 

"So, just the normal course of events in every swordsmen life..." 

"No. Not at all. Asaki was killed in the back while he was not looking and not prepared to fight. I saw it and I know that that was totally disloyal. No honorable swordsman should ever behave that way." I saidwith passion.

"Oh! I see! So now, the little sister wants to take revenge?" said Saitou, mockingly.

"Say what you want, but I won't stay any longer under the roof of that murderer's friends..." I said coldly, irritated by his lack of understanding and compassion.

Saitou's teasing words had suddenly reinforced my wish to leave. I shouldn't have expected understanding… Not from an enemy. I picked up my stuff and walked directly toward the shouji. Saitou moved and let me pass but followed me in the corridor.

"Don't follow me like that!" I burst out.

"I'm just trying to prevent you from doing stupid things, Takagi." answered Saitou, calmly

"I won't do anything stupid! I'll just do what I have to do!"

"That's exactly what I said: something stupid." he answered with a snort. 

I abruptly stopped walking and brusquely turned around to face him.

"Stop messing with my life! Last time you interfered, I ended up in the Shinsengumi headquarters..." I saiddisdain filling my voice as I pronounced the last words.

Saitou apparently did not appreciate that last outburst. I knew that it was ungrateful and that the Shinsengumi's honor was something important to him… He couldn't let my last words pass. Our eyes met and we both glared angrily at each other. As I had been almost yelling, people were beginning to get out of their rooms to check what was happening. 

I looked defiantly at the small crowd and noticed that Soushi was there. He looked quite concerned. I think that he had seen this coming for a long time. There had been too much tension between us. For too long. A confrontation was inevitable now. With our respective strong personalities, it would have end up this way, one day or another. 

Saitou was casting murderous glances around. After what seemed to be an eternity, but probably lasted less than a few seconds, he grabbed me by the wrist, dragged me to his room and pushed me almost violently inside. There we would be able to finish our discussion in peace. 

I was massaging my swollen arm when Saitou started talking, sharply.

"First, you should be a little more grateful that I saved your butt. Second, we are not friends of your brother's assassin." 

I crossed my arms and waited for the explanation.

"The man you saw downstairs, and that you identified as your brother's killer, is not related to us. He receives orders from a group coming from Osaka. Tonight, he was sent here by that group's leader to offer us an alliance. But, even before the evening started, Kondou had made up his mind. He is going to refuse the proposition."

"Why?"

"Because, even if we are fighting on the same side, we don't appreciate their methods."

"So you are not related to him?" I asked hesitantly

"Not at all." answered Saitou, abruptly.

Slowly my mood changed from fury to remorse. My first impression had been correct after all. These people could be trusted. And they were not associated with my brother's killer. I sighed. I had overreacted again...

While I silently thought about this, Saitou kept staring at me. Finally, he asked me, on a neutral tone.

"Do you think that the man recognized you?"

"No... I don't think so. He had barely seen me, in the streets, the night Asaki died. And I was dressed very differently..."

"Yes you were."

I looked at him a little bit more intently. His eyes were no longer flashing with anger. His sharp features had regained their normal expression. Of course, he was still far from looking kind, but I somehow found comfort at his sight…

"I… I really apologize for my behavior tonight. I shouldn't have doubted the Shinsengumi's honor. It's only an old reflex resurfacing…" 

As Saitou didn't answer anything, I continued regretfully, as I slowly realized the consequences of my previous behavior.

"I guess that I'll have to leave this place really soon anyway. After I threw a tantrum in the corridor, yelling and carrying my sword around, I think that my cover won't last long. I'm sorry."

I looked at Saitou and waited for a reaction. There was none. I had expected that, but still, I had hoped that, when the moment would have come, he would have stopped me from leaving. But he was probably only happy to be able to get back to a more normal life. A life without me. 

"So… Tomorrow morning, I'll leave this place. I won't bother you anymore."

I regretfully went to the shouji. I waited for a while and took, what I thought would be, a last glance toward the man I loved. I smiled briefly. That was my way to tell him goodbye. And a sad goodbye it was. 

I truly regretted that things had not evolved between us. Saitou had not wanted them to and maybe he had made the right choice. But still, I wished that things were different. 

I slowly turned away from him and raised my hand to grab the shouji. 

"I always thought that you had more courage than that, Takagi."

My hand stopped its course. Those words rooted me to the spot. 

"What do you mean?" I askedwithout looking at Saitou.

"You are running away."

I swiftly turned around, under the accusation, and blankly stared at him. Was it true? Was I acting like a coward? In my head, I a little voice said yes, yes. I was indeed leaving a week earlier, afraid that someone might discover the truth in the next few days. I was running away….

"I… I didn't mean to…" I startedin a vain attempt to justify myself.

"But you did."

Yes I had… I remembered Saitou's words that night in the streets. He had thought that I had become a harmless kitten. Was this really me? Was this the person I had hoped to be? No. 

Maybe Saitou had been right. With my injuries and with the fact that I might have been discovered, I constantly feared both the Ishinshishi and the Shinsengumi. This had softened my temper and had, partially, turned me into a coward. I didn't want to be a coward. I would have to change a couple of things.

Hiding swords and training only when no one was around were not acts of bravery. I hadn't chose this behavior, but I hadn't objected it either. Also, the couple of things I had to change definitely included the way I had handled my relation with Saitou until now. I had to stop hiding my feelings and let him have his way… But thinking of this, made me realize something else.

"You are also a coward. You've been deliberately avoiding me for weeks now..."

I looked at him directly in the eyes, but I did not really dare take a step forward. The words were already a serious threat to my life. For a minute, I thought that I had gone too far, but then, Saitou smirked.

"You call me a coward once more Takagi, and you're dead meat." 

"Prove me wrong and I won't have to repeat myself…"

He didn't react to this invitation. Maybe I had been hoping a little too much. He only took a cigarette out of his pocket and slowly, meticulously, lit it. He seemed to be totally in control of himself and really not ready to give in to my challenge.

"Go play somewhere else, Takagi. I have other things to do." he finally said.

I turned around to leave the room. Nothing had happened, but he now knew exactly where I stood. The ball was in his court. He was the one who had to react. 

"If you change your mind, you know where to find me. I'll stay here, as I first said I would."

My words only met a wall of silence and of indifference. 

***

During the next few days, I tried to chase any thought of Saitou that came to my mind. I had walked halfway, I had done what I had to do. The future would tell what would happen next, so why trouble myself imagining possible scenarios?

In the meantime, I had other preoccupations. I still hadn't forgot about my thought of revenge. How could I have? The world would definitely be a better place without men like the one who had cowardly murdered my brother. And it was not only a personal vendetta: it was also for all the ones he had probably made suffer and for all the ones he would probably make suffer.

But, while thinking about revenge was easy, putting those thoughts into action would be quite a challenge. I was still very weak and the murderer was quite skilled. A fight now and I would be defeated for sure… I had to wait for the right moment. Become more powerful and learn a few things about him and his group.

That is why I spent all of my days on the first floor, and not in my room, like habitually. After my training with Soushi, who was really impressed by my sudden urge of becoming stronger, I always went into the main room and tried to listen to the discussion going on. 

During those long days I spend faking reading books, I was quite relieved that no one even dared mention the incident with Saitou. They all knew better. Being afraid of blowing my cover had been foolish. They were definitely not on the verge of finding who I really was…

Learning a few things about the murderer's group was a way much easier task than I had first thought. In fact, Captain Harada, the leader of the 10th division, always talked a lot without bothering much about who was around…

That's how I learned where the whole assassin's group was staying, here in Kyoto. And exactly what they were planning. A few months ago, when I was still an Ishinshishi, that kind of information would have brightened my day. But now, not really knowing on which side I should be anymore, only the parts about the murderer truly interested me.

But what I learnt next finally caught my full attention. The man who had took Takasugi's job, as leader of the Choshu branch in Kyoto, hadn't lose his time. He had prepared his troops for what everyone thought would be a massive and well-organized attack. And it would probably come soon. That is why there were more Ishin than ever in the capital. 

I remembered Takasugi's words: the British would bring their support to the rebellion by providing occidental weapons… Suddenly, weirdly, I started worrying for my Shinsengumi companions. Not necessarily for Saitou and Okita. They were strong enough to defend themselves in any circumstances. I was worried for the others. They had been so kind to me. They were all so devoted to their work. They were great men. I would definitely be very sad when even one of them would die.

But then, I shook my head. I had other things to worry about. And Asaki's murderer was on the top of that list. 

I had to stay a few more days in Kyoto if I wanted to be able to defeat him. I would have to prolong my stay in the capital. I had announced to Kondou that I would leave in a week. There were only two days left before that fatidic date. It was December 21st and my family was waiting for me, soon, in Aizu. I would have to find a good excuse to stay longer… 

***

I slowly opened my eyes next morning. My eyelids were still heavy with sleep, my mind was working slowly. I was going to go back to sleep when a knock on the shouji definitely woke me up. That must have been what had disturbed my precious sleep in the first place.

"Tokio-san! Open up! I have something really important to tell you." called Soushi.

Something important? At this hour of the day? Anxious, I quickly got up and opened the shouji.

"What's wrong, Soushi?"

"It's Kondou-sama…"

Soushi stopped, unsure of how to say this without worrying me. But it was already too late…

"What does he want? What happened?"

"He wants to see you. Now."

"Now? But it's still very early in the morning…" I said becoming more and more nervous. That really didn't sound good to my ears. 

I was about to close the shouji to get ready. It was probably not the right time to make Kondou wait. But, before I could act, I noticed that Soushi wanted to tell me something else.

"Is there something else I should know?"

"Kondou-sama saw Saitou-san late at night, yesterday. When Saitou-san came out of the room, he looked quite mad. In fact, he looked just like if he was going to kill the first person who would be on his way… That's all I know." 

"Thanks Soushi." I said before finally closing the shouji in a hurry.

I was worried. Anxious. But, knowing that I would learn all there was to be learned soon enough, I tried to forget about this and calmly get dressed. Ten minutes later, looking almost presentable, I began walking toward the room in which Kondou spent almost his entire days. The room in which you didn't go without being formally invited. And now, quite unfortunately, it seemed that I had received such an invitation. 

As I walked, I became nervous again. Facing the shouji, I knocked with hesitation. I was ready to face anything, but I was unsure of what would happen. Had Kondou discovered the truth or was it just a cordial invitation? I was still deliberating when I heard Kondou's voice.

"You can come in!"

I delicately pushed the shouji aside, discretely went into the room and closed the shouji behind me. Then, I faced Kondou and bowed as politely as I could. I silently thanked my mother for having taught me some rules of etiquette.

"You wanted to talk to me, sir…?"

"Yes. Sit down, please."

I did as he told me. I noticed that Kondou didn't seem to be angry. Annoyed and eager to be finished with this, but not angry.

"Tokio-san, I have a small problem with you."

I did not like the sound of these words. Not at all. I tried to remember that Kondou did not seemed angry, but I couldn't help feeling nervous anyway.

"Saitou-san and Okita-san may think that I'm not aware of what is happening in this building, but I'm no fool. I'm fully aware of some things. I was ready to close my eyes, but I might have found a use to this particular situation. "

My mind suddenly started working very fast. If Kondou was talking about Saitou and Okita trying to fool him…

"I suspected that something was weird as soon as I was informed of your uncle's request. Aizu officials' daughters don't disappear like that, with no good reason… And, when Saitou-san brought you back from the streets, greatly injured, my suspicions were even more aroused. I started investigating on your case and what I found out bemused me."

Hearing Kondou's words, I realized how we had all be foolish. How could we ever have thought that hiding the truth from such a man was something possible? 

"But, as I told you before, I would have closed my eyes on this. You are a woman, you are not in a great physical shape, you were going to leave this place soon and, from what I've heard and seen, you are not going to attack any of us. So, that is why I had decided to let you go. And I was even ready to forgive Saitou-san and Okita-san for their actions."

"But you found another use for me?" I asked a bit relieved, but still worried about what would come next.

"Exactly. What can you tell me about the Ishin's plans?"

I went pale for a while, and gasped. I couldn't do that. Yes, I knew some things, not much, but I knew some things. Telling them now would clearly betray those who had once trusted me. 

"I won't tell you." I saidshortly, looking at him defiantly in the eyes, shocked by this attempt.

Kondou smiled warmly before telling me.

"Good. That's exactly the kind of answer I was seeking for. You can be trusted, there is no doubt about it. Once you give your word to someone, it seems that you won't back out." 

"Of course not." I said outraged that he had doubted it.

"Then, tell me where you stand in this conflict right now?"

I looked at him a bit puzzled. I had the impression that he was presently manipulating me. Making me say the exact words he wanted to hear. I didn't like this, but I went on anyway. I didn't really have the choice.

"I don't really know. I think that right now, I'm on no one's side. What I saw here made me realized that people fighting for the Shogunate were not as bad as I had thought they were. But I still think that the Ishinshishi might be the one fighting for the right cause."

"So you are neutral."

"Yes."

"You didn't deliberately stop fighting with your group, but you also enjoy staying here."

"Exactly."

"Then, you wouldn't object if I asked you to stay here longer than what you had first planned?"

I paled again. Yes, he had trapped me. Indeed, objecting seemed to be the right thing to do, but staying here longer was exactly what I wanted. I needed time to go after Asaki's murderer and Kondou was offering me that time on a silver platter. 

"It depends of what you want from me. There must be a reason behind this proposition…"I answered with hesitation.

Kondou smiled and said.

"Yes, there is. You might be aware of the fact that things are not going very well for us right now. Ishin's forces are gathered in Kyoto. They will launch an attack soon. Even if I believe in my men, I fear that we might be outnumbered. If we are defeated, which is a possibility, we'll probably have to retreat and leave Kyoto. So, I'm seeking for other fiefs' support."

"That is why you asked me those questions about Aizu's allegiances the other night? You think that I can help you gain more support than what you already have from Aizu?"

"Yes."

"How?" I askedpuzzled.

"Blood alliances are quite strong. Even more when large sum of money are exchanged in the process."

"You mean that…?" I asked, already fearing the truth.

"I mean that a wedding between one of my best men and the daughter of one of Aizu's most important official would be a nice way to reinforce the already existing alliance between the Shinsengumi and the fief of Aizu."

I stared at the floor for a while, thinking. I had left my parent's house to become independent. To make my own choices. And now, someone was toying around with my life. I didn't like it. 

"Takagi-san, I already talked to Saitou-san about this. He is the best choice I have. He has quite a reputation and has a really important role in this organization. So, your fief should be flattered by the proposition. And, I think that it would even be better this way: with what happened the night of the reception. A reputation can be so easily lost… Besides, I noticed that you were not totally indifferent to him. "

No, I was not indifferent to Saitou. Kondou probably thought that I would accept his proposition without further delay. But… I had never wished of a pure political marriage. I wanted to feel wanted. Really wanted. And I was still waiting for that.

"And what did Saitou replied to your proposition?"

"It's not a proposition. It's an obligation. He doesn't have the choice. He can pester as much as he wants, it won't change the fact that he is going to marry you" Replied Kondou, on a harder tone. 

I looked at him, surprised.

"So, you were not really seeking for my agreement…?"

"No. I hope you will agree, but your opinion doesn't really matter here. In fact, I took the final decision the other night, after the reception. Immediately, I sent a large amount of money to the Daimyo of Aizu, so that he takes care of the negotiations with your uncle. As soon as I have a positive answer, in a few days, we'll go forward."

I really, really didn't like the sound of this. It had been planned in my back. For a while, I thought of refusing and facing the consequences, but… I needed to stay in Kyoto. The perspective of marrying Saitou was not totally a dark one. And, I was at the mercy of Kondou: he knew I had been one of the Ishinshishi.

"Okay, I'll do it."

"Good. It is settled then."

I got up to my feet and left, knowing that our conversation had been brought to an end. Maybe it was the end of the story for Kondou, but for me, it was only the beginning…

I did not really want my relation with Saitou to evolve that way. Even if hoped that part of him was attracted to me, I would never have wanted to force him in a union he didn't necessarily wanted. He was too wild to be tamed. But now, I couldn't back out: I had given my word.

Halfway toward my room, I stopped walking. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. That was too much for me. Way too much.

The characteristic smell of cigarette getting nearer and nearer made me open my eyes again. I turned expecting Saitou. Somehow I would have wished to clear a few things out before having to see him. I was really not ready for a confrontation right now. 

But he didn't pay me the slightest attention. He only passed his way, as if I was not existing. 

Normally, I would have been offended by such an attitude. But this time, I could only understand him. I was intruding into his private life. Something he clearly didn't want.

To be continued

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General comments

I decided that at least one fact about Saitou and Tokio relation would be historically correct: their wedding would be an arranged one. I guess I just can't picture Saitou actually proposing to someone…

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To the reviewers

Special thanks to dadsnavygirl831, mvdiva, charmed-anime, Alice, Alderine, Hiss, Keito-chan, Crystalshower, aietane, Lord vampire, The great thing, Lasaire, Kochou570, Bonessasan, Kamorgana, Wolf of Mibu, Leila Winters, JadeGoddess, L. Sith and IceRain, who took the time to review this story. (^-^) 

À la prochaine,

Mary-Ann

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	11. Days of loneliness

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Disclaimer: I do not own, in any way, Rurouni Kenshin. Watsuki-sama does. I'm only borrowing his characters for a while.

Ten thousand times thank you (and even more) to Kamorgana. Your comments, suggestions and corrections on this chapter were more than welcomed. -

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Chapter 11 – Days of loneliness

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I spent the next few days waiting. Hoping that certain things, that would more than probably happen, would not. I had wished of wining Saitou's heart in a completely different manner.

I had felt attracted to Saitou at first sight. It wasn't love yet. You can't love someone you have barely seen. But, after he saved me in the streets that night, slowly my feelings evolved. A connection had been established. I owed him. I was grateful to him. And finally, for those reasons, I fell for him. Did he feel the same way? I could not tell.

Of course, Soushi had told me that Saitou was deliberately avoiding me because he felt that I had too much power over him. Was it really true? Was it only Soushi's imagination? I wasn't sure. Of course, this theory made sense. But, after I had provoked him a few days ago, I had the feeling that Saitou should have reacted by now. Maybe he would have, if it hadn't been for Kondou's intervention.

Since my meeting with Kondou, Saitou was not avoiding me like he did before. Instead, he was coldly ignoring me each time we met. And, if I dared speak, he would look down at me, clearly telling me that I was a pure nuisance. It was worse than before. With this attitude, I had the strong feeling that even if he had felt attracted to me at a time, it wasn't the case anymore. And obviously, he had never loved me, like I had hoped…

Morally down, I was trying to cheer myself up by learning other things about my brother's killer. After all, I had to gather more information if I wanted to fulfill my need for revenge. But I did this with less enthusiasm than before. Somehow, my mood had been spoiled.

During these long days, Soushi spent some time with me. He was always cheerful and was acting like if nothing important had happened. I truly regretted that he was putting on this masquerade. Maybe hiding behind a mask of fake joy was doing him good, but it didn't worked with me. I was depressed and the last thing I wanted to do was laugh.

We continued training, when not too many people were around. I was gradually improving. I had finally regained more than half of my original strength: exactly what I had sought for before being able to leave for Aizu. But now, it didn't really matter anymore. I had to retrieve even more strength if I wanted to defeat my brother's killer.

On a few occasions, I went outdoors with the maid. I had very few belongings and, as I was going to stay longer than I had expected in Kyoto, I really had to buy a few more things. On one of these trips, while the maid was paying for our purchases inside the store, I was waiting in the street. That is when I spotted a familiar figure. There, standing in the middle of the public market, Himura was observing me.

I smiled nervously, wishing that the Shinsengumi guard who had accompanied us would not choose that precise moment to speak to me. Fortunately enough, he did not. Himura smiled back at me, before worryingly looking at the guard. He seemed to be worried for me. Afraid that the guard might recognized me as being Takeru Nakane. If he only knew…

Finally, seeing that I was going to be fine, he left the place. Less than ten seconds later, the maid came out and the guard quickly picked up our purchases. It had been a close call. I was happy that he had not found out. It was better that way…

After a few days of this regime, my uncle's answer finally came. It was positive. In less than three hours, everything was settled. We went through the ceremony and our fates were sealed.

Saitou didn't look at me during the whole process. Not even once. Someone else could have taken my place and he would probably not even have noticed. He was too busy trying to look pissed off.

Finally, when the night came, we went back to his room. Well, our room now. I waited for him to say something, anything. But he only put on an older light blue haori, picked up his sword and went to the door.

"Hajime…?" I started, using his first name as I thought that it was more appropriate now.

He didn't answer but at least, he looked down at me and waited for me to talk.

"You are going out?" I asked, not really knowing what else I could say.

"I have work to do. Things don't change because of Kondou's political plans, Takagi." he answered shortly, insisting on my last name.

I received it like a slap in the face. I didn't mind if he said that this wedding was purely a political one. I was aware that it was the case, even if I wished that things were different. But that he dared used a name that wasn't mine anymore... He was indirectly denying me the right of being called his wife. And, after I had used his first name, it was even more a cheap shot…

"No, things don't change, _Hajime. _You're still a coward, as I see… Running away like that…" I said, venom in my voice.

He wasn't exactly acting cowardly. After all, no one wants to spend some time with people they despised. But I felt that bringing this up now was the best way of insulting him. To tell I was angry would have greatly minimized my true state of mind. Until now, I had understood, to a certain extent, his reactions. But there were limits…

He glared at me, furious. Incredibly enough, he didn't answer back: he simply went out of the room.

The next day, we were both still in the same state of mind. We didn't speak much, difficulty accepting each other's presence. And days went on like this. A succession of nothingness. Of indifference. Of silence.

After three days, I concluded that things could not go on like this forever. We had to try to move on and deal with the situation. And besides, I also realized that getting mad at Hajime had only been a way of hiding the pain his rejection had caused me. Maybe Soushi was hiding his pain behind a smile, but I was hiding mine behind a frown…

During the next few days, I tried to talk a bit more with my incredibly stubborn husband. Asking him questions, trying to make him talk on different aspect of his work. All I got in return was a yes or a no. Sometimes three words in a row, but that seemed to be the maximum. I was looking forward to the day when it would stop. The day he would admit that things were the way they were and that he only had to accept it. Then, we would maybe be able to make something out of this union.

Since the wedding, Soushi had left us alone. I'm sure that he was doing this out of good intentions, but it didn't helped at all. A few days ago, his smile and laughter was annoying me, but now I realized that I missed it. His cheerful presence would have done us good. Things were too tensed around here.

And it went on like this until January 1st, when Hajime abruptly came in our room and announced.

"Takagi… One of Kyoto's officials is giving a formal reception tonight. We are both invited."

"Okay." I answered simply, unaware of the fact that I was mimicking his attitude.

He snorted and left the room, leaving me wondering how I would manage to go through another boring reception.

That afternoon, I finally received Soushi's visit. He was acting more cheerfully than ever and started chatting like he always did. But he soon noticed that I wasn't giving in the discussion. Finally, his smile faded out and he asked me, on a serious tone.

"Things haven't improved with Saitou-san…?"

I sadly smiled. I was glad he had decided to stop avoiding the subject. I understood that until now he had thought that we needed to be left alone. To settle this on our own. But as it didn't worked out very well, he was finally going to try to help us.

"No, it didn't… It's even worse than before. It's like if I didn't exist anymore."

"But you do exist, Tokio-san. And Saitou-san knows it."

"It's nice for you to say so, but I'm beginning to think that Kondou's plans ruined everything between us… That is, if there was something in the first place."

"Of course, there was. I'm sure of it. I've seen you together, and no one can deny the fact that there is a mutual attraction. Even now, there is still one. You just have to be patient. Saitou-san will eventually calm down. He just didn't appreciate the intrusion in his private life. He likes to be in control…"

"You think so?"

"Yes. I'm sure."

I truly wanted to believe in those words. But I was afraid that this hope would only bring me more pain.

The night came, we had to go the reception. I left the Shinsengumi's headquarters in Saitou's company. The night was peaceful. I could even have enjoyed the walk, in spite of the winter's cold, if Hajime's presence was not such a burden.

We finally arrived at the official's residence. A lot of people were present. It was supposed to be a New Year's celebration party and that was why the wives had been invited. But, as soon as I came in the room, I understood that it was only a cover. Most of the Kyoto's officials and the different groups supporting the Shogunate were there. It was in fact a reunion during which the counterstrike against the Ishinshishi's imminent attack would be prepared.

The men soon started talking about how things should be handled. They also talked about what they thought was going on in the Ishinshishi's headquarters…

I wished I were somewhere else. This was none of my business. I didn't belong here. And, most of all, I didn't want to hear any of this. I knew too much about the Ishin's actions to be left indifferent by what was being said. They were talking about attacking men I personally knew. I hadn't liked all of them. Some had followed blindly Takasugi's not too honorable commands. But that made no difference: they all had been my comrades.

I sat down with the group of wives, joining the chat. I was trying to ignore what was really going on in the room. But, as hard as I tried, I couldn't help catching glimpses of conversation.

Finally hearing Kondou's imperative voice for the first time this evening, I completely forgot about my resolutions. I raised my head and looked at the group to check what was happening.

"I've received news from the Shogun's army. They are going to join us. They already left Osaka and should be here in two days… We won't be able to launch our official attack before that. In the meantime, we'll just go on patrolling as the Ishinshishi presently outnumber us. Attacking now would be suicide."

"And what if they start attacking before that?" asked one of the officials.

"Well, we'll try to limit the damages, protect what we have and try to gain some time…"

"Will the Shogun's army forces be enough to assure us victory?" asked another official.

"Probably, though I can't guaranty it for sure. The Ishin are now way more organized that they were, but we have experience."

I stared blankly at the group. So, it wasn't just a vague plan. They were going to attack. In about two days from now. But I knew that things would probably not be as easy as Kondou thought they would. I knew that the Ishinshishi were not only more organized than before: they had gained some support and, above all, if the British had stayed true to their words, they had gained some sophisticated weapons.

I then noticed that Hajime was directly looking in my direction. He seemed to be wondering how I would react to the current conversation. Our gazes remained locked as I heard Kondou's next words.

"If we ever come to loose this battle, there will be other ones. We have the support of many fiefs around the country and lately, I was assured that we still had the unconditional support of Aizu. So, if anything goes bad, we'll always be able to retreat there."

Yes, that was because of me… I went on, looking at Hajime, staring defiantly directly in his cold eyes. He smirked and finally returned his full attention to the conversation going on.

Knowing that everything important had already been said, I tried to focus on the wives' current preoccupations, which were very far away from my own. I politely nodded from time to time, to show that I was interested, but I was not. Some things were just more vital.

The evening was near to an end and some people were starting to leave when a young man rushed into the building. I recognized one of the messengers the Shinsengumi sometime discretely used. He was sweating heavily, clearly exhausted by the run. I looked at him, while he walked toward Kondou, clearly terrorized. He didn't even wait to catch his breath before speaking.

"Sir… There is… an emergency…. There are a lot… of Ishin… in the streets…"

Some of the wives tensed at these words and I was left wondering. Had it already started? Right in the middle of an important reunion? The Ishinshishi must have known about this and plan to act right now. It was certainly not a coincidence: it served their goal very well. They could spread terror before the masterminds of the Shinsengumi could even react.

I quickly looked at the Miburos gathered in the room. Only Hijikata and two of the captains were missing. For now, all was in their hands.

After a quick reflection, Kondou asked.

"Are some of my men already fighting?"

"Yes. Hijikata-san asked me to tell you that unit nine is fighting in the south. The men of units one, four and six are with them. Unit seven is in the west. The men of units two, five and eight are with them. Units three and ten are missing: they had an evening off."

Kondou remained pensive only for a short while. He had to act fast. He first turned toward the leaders of two small groups supporting the Shogunate.

"Could you and your men stay here and protect the officials? They are all gathered in one room…"

"Yes. Sure." the two men nodded.

He then turned toward the captains.

"Find your men in the districts Hijikata mentioned. We already discussed about what you have to do in such circumstances. I won't repeat myself. Saitou-san, Harada-san, go back to the headquarters and wait for your men's return. Then, join the others in the streets…"

Hajime nodded discretely but Harada seemed to hesitate.

"Sir… I'll have to wait until dawn. They had planned an excursion in the pleasure district…"

"Well, go there and find them!"

"Yes sir."

I looked around, not too sure of what would happen to me… Some of the wives had started crying hysterically, panicked. I really wished to leave the place. I wouldn't be able to stand this all night long.

And this whole situation felt so awkward to me. Two months ago, I would have been one of the Ishinshishi launching the attack. But today, I was stuck in a building with our former enemies and I was almost feeling sorry for them. It might seem strange, but during the last month, I had come to appreciate these people. And now they were in deep trouble. I knew most of the Ishinshishi's plan. And I knew most of the Shinsengumi's plan. And I knew that the latter was the lamest one…

It was strange. When I had been fighting with the Ishinshishi, I was on the weakest side. And now that my allegiance had changed, I was again on the weakest side. How unlucky I was…

Finally, Hajime made a small head sign, telling me that I should accompany him. I got up and followed him as quickly as I could. I was too eager to be far away from the weeping to stay a minute longer.

We walked in silence, once again. Hajime was alert, checking the surroundings, walking as fast as he could without running. He was eager to be back at the headquarters. He wanted to find his men and join the fight as soon as possible. I could perfectly understand him. I had been like that not too long ago. When I still had a goal.

"Hajime… Could you slow down a bit? Following you while wearing a kimono is not an easy task…"

"I would have left you behind if I had known, Takagi." he said abruptly, but reducing his pace anyway.

"With all of the weeping going on? Better die… That's not a way to affront such a situation. Crying gives nothing. It only affects the way your mind works."

"And it affects the other's nervous system…" conclude Hajime.

"That's true."

I suddenly realized that this exchange could almost be called a discussion… I was following him, smiling inwardly and not paying much attention to our surroundings, when Hajime suddenly stopped walking. By chance, he had been more focused than I had… A group of men was within sight. I counted six. In the obscurity, I couldn't really see who it was.

Hajime put a hand on my shoulder, smirked and said, lowering his voice.

"Leave them to me."

I nodded and obeyed. It was no time to argue and, anyway, I didn't want to. If, as I thought, these were any of my Ishinshishi comrades, I didn't want to be part of this what would inevitably follow…

He walked toward the group of men without taking another look at me. Not wanting to witness the action, I sat on a pile of debris, near a building. From where I was, I could not see, but I could still hear… The first few clashes of swords distinctly reached my ears and, each time I heard a cry of pain, I felt uneasy. This situation was way too strange for me. I was wishing for Hajime's victory, but I didn't want the others to loose.

"Well, well… It looks like the Wolf of Mibu has a little weakness after all…" said a voice I knew too well, in my back.

I sighed, got up and slowly turned around, resigned. My hand was already searching in the pile of debris for something with which I would at least be able to try to defend myself. I faced my opponents, ready to face the inevitable.

Eight men. Their leader, the one who had talked, was one of the Ishinshishi units' leaders. The one who always did Takasugi's dirtiest jobs. I had always felt despise toward him.

He looked at the weapon I had found and asked, mockingly.

"Do you really think that a defenseless woman can do something against eight skilled men?"

"Skilled? That word doesn't really apply to you or your men…"

Hearing my voice, the man frowned and looked at me directly in the eyes. After a while, he stopped scrutinizing me and paled. It took a little while before en managed to mumble a few words.

"Nakane-san… How…?"

The other men gasped behind him, establishing the link as they heard my name. I looked at them amused: they had been all too blind to realize that I was a woman before this day…

"Traitor!" said the unit's leader, menace filling his voice as he regained his senses.

I hadn't enjoyed it when he had called me a defenseless woman. But being called a traitor made my blood boil. I was not a traitor. But explaining that to a bunch of idiots, just after they had seen me with Hajime, was useless. They would not listen to me. They would attack and I would have to defend myself...

I tightened the grip I had on the wooden pole I had found. It wasn't a great weapon, but it was better than nothing.

The men launched their attack. I was not in the greatest shape, but I managed to block their earlier strikes quite successfully, thanks to the training sessions with Soushi. Only, after a few moves, I came to realize that I was quite limited in my movements. With the kimono, I couldn't do much.

And what had to happen, happened. Trying to block a strike coming from my left, I twisted my ankle. I fell on the ground, emitting a small cry of pain.

"So Nakane… I think that now, I'll be the one joking about you strength…"

I tried to get up, but I couldn't put my weight on my right foot. My ankle was swelling up very fast. What I truly needed right now was to rest. Definitely not fight.

"So, what are you going to do now?" asked the man mockingly…

"You should ask what _I_ am going to do." someone answered for me.

I looked up, and noticed with great relief that it was Hajime. I had never been as relieved before: without him, I would have most certainly lost and died right here…

His eyes were filled with cold anger. With the strong determination that filled his aura, I knew that it was the end of the eight men standing in front of him. I closed my eyes as he quickly began to dispose of my attackers. They had still been my Ishinshishi's companions after all… I had only tried to defend myself, not to kill them…

When silence fell upon the dark alley, I opened my eyes. Hajime was standing in the middle of the corpses, cleaning his sword. I was still a bit dizzy, but I couldn't help feeling gratitude. He looked at me and, as I opened my mouth to thank him, he cut out.

"They were Ishinshishi… I would have killed them one day or the other. So better do it now."

I didn't answer anything. I only smiled slightly. I had witnessed his expression when he had launched his first attack: and I now knew for sure that Soushi had been right from the start… But, if he wanted me to believe that it was not the case, I would not argue with him.

In the darkness, he did not realize that I was smiling almost tenderly at him, so he went on and ask.

"Can you stand up and walk?"

"No. Not at all. I twisted my ankle because of this restraining kimono."

He didn't answer, but kneeled beside me. He took the time to examine my ankle and then said, while lifting me up.

"Well, you definitely can't go anywhere tonight, Takagi."

I silently looked at him while we started heading toward the headquarters. In his strong arms, for the first time in months, I felt completely secure and sure of what I really wanted in life: him.

He was a jerk, that was for sure. He was heartless, that was the least you could say. But he was the man I loved, and for that, I was ready to forgive him anything.

"Hajime…"

"Hmmm?"

Right now, I didn't care if he didn't want me to acknowledge the fact that he might have fight for me, and not only for the Shinsengumi.

"I forgot to thank you for what you just did."

Not letting him time to answer back and ruin the moment, I shyly leaned my head against his shoulder.

He didn't reply anything at all. Neither verbally nor physically. He just went on walking toward the headquarters. But he did not protest about my doings.

To be continued…

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General comments

This chapter marks the end of the story's second part. Next chapter: we enter the third, and last, part.

There are two main reasons why I didn't give much detail about the wedding. First, I know nothing about Japanese weddings during the Bakumatsu. Second, the ceremony itself is not that important: only the result is… -

Remember that the events are seen through Tokio's eyes. It's a first person POV. So, she guesses what Saitou's feelings are, but she can't always know for sure what is going on in his complex mind…

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Notes

January 1868 was the set of the Toba-Fushimi battle near Kyoto. Officially, if my sources are correct, the battle started on Janurary 3rd when the Shogun's army reached Kyoto. Here, I twisted the events a bit and added a first disturbance on January 1st.

I have no idea if there were other groups fighting, along with the Shinsengumi, for the Shogunate in that war. I assumed that there might be some. That is why I mentioned them here, without giving precise names or saying how many.

Sanosuke Harada, as most of you probably know by now, was the 10th captain of the Shinsengumi. Watsuki based Sanosuke's character on him… Which explain the little bit goofy personality I gave him in this chapter and in the previous one.

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To the reviewers

Special thanks to Wolf of Mibu, Kamorgana, JadeGoddess, Dadsnavygirl831, Charmed-Anime, me me and only me, Aiteane, Bonessasan, Hotaru, Muemosyne, Kochou570, Leila Winters, Akuma no yoru, L. Sith and Serenity, who took the time to review this story. (-)

À la prochaine,

Mary-Ann

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	12. The darkest hours

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Disclaimer: I do not own, in any way, Rurouni Kenshin. Watsuki-sama does. I'm only borrowing his characters for a while.

So, here is the third part of the story. It focuses on the event of the Boshin war. It is a shorter part and note that it is also the last one…

Very special thanks to Kamorgana for her more than precious comments. -

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Chapter 12 – The darkest hours

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Hajime was still carrying me in his arms when we came back to the headquarters. The whole place was practically deserted. In the main hall, only Hijikata, busy with a map, could be seen. At his sight, Hajime rudely asked.

"Have you seen any of my men, yet?"

"Maybe half of them are in their rooms right now and…"

Hijikata stopped talking as he raised his head and registered our sight.

"What happened?" he asked, instead.

"We ran directly into two groups of Ishinshishi. I took care of them, but _she_…" said Hajime briefly, glaring down at me before finishing his sentence "twisted her ankle."

With the tone of voice he was using, I suddenly felt like if I was the worst idiot in the whole world. He had taken care of fourteen Ishinshishi alone and I had only managed to twist my ankle…

"Oh I see…" replied Hijikata, immediately dismissing the event before returning to his main source of concerns "You're coming from the reception: do you know what Kondou's plan is?"

Hajime waited before answering. He put me down on a seat, not too far from where we were standing. Then he turned around and lit a cigarette: something he had probably been waiting for during the whole trip. Finally, he faced Hijikata.

"The others captains are trying to find their men and the officials are guarded by two of the other groups fighting for the Shogunate. We are all supposed to try to gain some time until the Shogun's army arrives."

"Yes. Considering the present situation, that was probably the wisest thing to order."

"Wisest?" disdainfully replied Hajime "I think that we should have finished this our way, a few months ago. Back then, it was only the Kyoto's Ishinshishi and us. Now, so much people are involved that it's not even really our battle anymore."

"A few months ago, we were still struggling over internal conflicts and the Ishinshishi were acting like mere shadows. They were not at all organized, which made it difficult to guess what they would do next. It was hard to set an effective trap…"

Hajime took a deep drag out of his cigarette. He didn't go on arguing, knowing that it was no use and respecting the fact that Hijikata was his superior. But his expression clearly showed that he did not agree at all. Finally, he asked.

"You said that half of my men are upstairs?"

"Yes. And, according to their sayings, the others should be expected soon."

"I give them fifteen minutes, then I'll leave. In the mean time, I'll try to gather those who are here." said Hajime, before slowly walking toward the stairs.

I had remained silent during the whole exchange, trying to be as discrete as possible. Both men didn't seem to be in their best mood. Hajime was eager to join the fight and visibly, he had still not digested his superior's words. Hijikata was concerned about what was happening in the streets. So, it wasn't time to disturb them. I didn't even protest when Hajime left, leaving me behind, in the main room. He knew I couldn't walk by myself.

I sighed: war was more important than I was…

Not too long after Hajime's departure, the maid had graciously helped me to climb the stairs so, next morning, I woke up in my room. It hadn't been a peaceful sleep as I had been worried about the night's events. Blood would be spilled. And either way, people I know would certainly die.

I was gazing out, trying not to focus too much on these dark thoughts, when I realized that there was a lot of noise downstairs. They were back. I could hear voices telling last night's tale, the clash of steel as swords were being put aside, the sounds of dinnerware as they begun eating breakfast.

I sat down on my futon, eager to learn the latest news. Was the conflict already finished, or was it just a period of calm? I hoped that the former option was the right one, but I feared that the latter option was truer. Things couldn't have been solved so easily, over just one night.

I was going to try to get up and see for myself when the shouji was pushed aside, revealing Hajime. His uniform was soaked with blood. I stared worryingly at him, while he looked back annoyed by my silent concern. I soon realized that he seemed to be all right. It wasn't his blood...

"So…?" I asked, expectantly.

"Things have calmed down. It was a short first offensive attack. Nothing more. They'll strike back soon, but probably not before we launch our own attack." he answered shortly, not looking at me.

"Oh! I see." I answered.

It wasn't finished… It was just the beginning. How many more nights like this one would I have to endure? Being neutral and being a "respectable" wife, I had to stay here. I was unaware of what was really happening outside. And this was killing me. I was not used to stay passive: I had always been on the battlefield before. And I had always thought that when the time for this final offense would come, I would be fighting.

I had never enjoyed being inactive. I had always taken position in every conflict. But right now, I had to admit that, wife or not, betrayal or not, I couldn't step in. I didn't even know with whom I would have like to fight along.

I looked at Hajime as he was getting rid of his spoiled light blue haori. I was grateful that he never had mentioned my past alliance again. He now trusted me enough to forgive me that. And, he even trusted me enough to expose me to the latest news about the war.

"Hajime…?"

He turned around and looked at me, waiting for my next words.

"I have to thank you."

"For what, this time?" he asked rudely, a bit exasperated.

I had the feeling that he didn't enjoy my words at all. Right now, the last thing he wanted was a repetition of last night's scene.

"I know that the situation, our situation, is not the best there is… I didn't enjoy the fact that Kondou-sama messed up with our lives like he did. And I know that you don't like it either."

At my words, Hajime's frown deepened. But, ignoring this silent protest, I went on. I had to say what I had to say.

"I can understand why. But thank you for, throughout all of this, trusting me. Thank you for believing that I won't use any of the information I hear around here against you or against your group. And thank you for respecting the promises I made to the Ishinshishi and never asking me what I do know about this…"

He looked at me for a while. For a short moment, I thought that he was going to ignore my intervention once more. But finally, he roughly said.

"I won't use your information, you won't use mine. It's only fair, Tokio.

"Yes, you're right, it's only fair…" I answered happily. At least we understood each other about one thing. And he had used my first name…

He turned around to pick up a few things before silently going to the bathhouse. I closed my eyes, enjoying the present moment. It wasn't much, but coming from Hajime, it was a lot. After a while, I opened my eyes and shook my head. Right now, there were more important things to think about. But still, I couldn't help smiling…

I took a good look at my ankle. At least it was back to its normal size. I carefully got up and put my feet on the ground. It hurt a bit, but it wasn't that painful. I had seen worse lately… I would be able to manage with this little injury. And in a day or two, the pain would be totally gone.

I got dressed and went downstairs, enjoying the joyous scene. Harada and his men were loudly telling how they had disposed of some of the Satsuma clan's members. Hopefully, he wasn't telling how they had disposed of Choshu clan's members. I wouldn't have been able to stand it… But as it was not the case, I listened with pleasure to the tale. A tale that was a bit too surreal to be true…

I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned around to face Soushi. He was more smiling than ever.

"You are also back from last night?" I asked, happy to see him.

"Yes. The matter was solved more quickly than I thought it would. For now."

"So you didn't experience much resistance?"

"You really think that someone could be a challenge for me? I thought that you were a bit cleverer than that and didn't only rely on appearances. I'm disappointed…" said Soushi, teasing me.

I was on the verge of replying something, to defend myself, when Soushi broke off coughing badly. No enemy could defeat him: that was true. But tuberculosis… That was another thing. Knowing that Soushi always avoided the subject, as soon as he stopped coughing, I found a new topic.

"So, Harada says that you took care of twenty opponents in less than ten minutes?"

"Make that fifteen opponents in an half hour and it will be more true."

"He always exaggerates like that?" I asked, on a conspiratorial tone.

"Yes…" answered Soushi, sighing.

Soushi's laughter joined me. We talked a bit more, but then, I had to excuse myself. I had been standing for too long and my ankle was beginning to swell up again. I had overestimated my capacities. A mistake I would not repeat.

I sat in a corner of the room and silently spent most of the day there, enjoying the last peaceful moments, before the real fight began…

After a silent evening with Hajime in our room and a night alone, as he had gone out to patrol the streets, I woke up next morning. I got dressed and went downstairs. I sat in the main room, near the headquarters' entrance, exactly like I had done less than twenty-four hours ago. I think that it had been a way of making sure that if any news ever reached the headquarters, I would be the first one to be informed. I wouldn't have enjoyed being left in the dark, like the other night.

There was a new tension in the air. Everyone knew that today, the Shogun's army would probably reach Kyoto. The Shinsengumi and the other groups would finally be able to launch their attack. And, if it didn't happen today, it would happen tomorrow…

Kondou and most of the captains were also downstairs, waiting calmly for the news. As the night grew closer, everyone thought that, finally, this wouldn't be the day. But finally, as the sun set, a messenger came. It was the one who had also brought the news the other night. I was beginning to think that, whenever you saw that man, something terrible would inevitably immediately follow. He searched for his breath and, as he began to speak, I thought that I might not be totally wrong.

"Sir… The Shogun's army has arrived… The men are at Toba-Fushimi were they accidentally ran on the Ishinshishi's troops who were apparently getting ready to launch their own attack from there."

"They are presently fighting?" asked Kondou.

"Yes… And right now, it doesn't look good for us."

Kondou got up and quickly started giving orders to the captains. There was no time to waste.

"Gather your men. In less than fifteen minutes, you should all be on your way to the battlefield. Only ten men, one from each unit, will stay here to protect the headquarters. Decide who it will be, but keep in mind that they'll join us at Toba-Fushimi if things degenerate over there. In this conflict, we need every man we have."

No one needed to be told twice. Everyone was already putting those commending words into action. As I left the room, trying to follow Hajime's quick pace, I heard the next question Kondou asked to the messenger.

"Do the other groups know about this?"

"Yes. They should be on their way."

"Good."

I didn't catch the next words: I had reached the second floor. I stood still for a while, looking at the mess Kondou's command had created. Everyone was running from one room to the other, to advise anyone who wouldn't have heard the news. Recovering from this sight, I spotted Hajime. He was speaking with some of his men, giving orders. He then walked toward our room to pick some things.

I also went in. As I stared at him while he packed a few things, I was trying to stay calm. I knew that my husband was not an ordinary man: he would certainly get out of this alive. But I couldn't help feeling worried anyway. Lately, I had realized that he meant a lot to me. More than I ever thought he would.

Everyone really dear to my heart had die: my brother, my father… Soon, I would have to add Soushi to the list: I had no illusions about his health condition. Hajime would be all I had left. I couldn't also loose him.

I was still standing near the shouji. I didn't really want to take another step forward. I knew that Hajime wouldn't have enjoyed a show of emotions. But… It might be the last time I say him. I might become a widow sooner than I had thought. Even before I fully become _his_…

I was still deliberating about what I should do when I noticed that Hajime was finally ready to go. As he left the room, without further delay, I followed him downstairs. Most of the men were already outside and heading toward Toba-Fushimi.

Hajime turned around to face me and he nodded to indicate me that it was a goodbye.

How long would I be here alone? Would he ever come back? I didn't know. It was so unfair. I was afraid to loose him. He was strong, yes, but this time it wouldn't be a swordsman against another swordsman. The Ishinshishi were ready to use more drastic measures. What could Hajime do against that?

It hadn't been so hard for me the other night to let him go fight. I still hadn't experienced the fears every wife has to face when their husband went to war. But now that I knew… As he reached the front door of the now almost deserted headquarters, I finally found the courage to call out.

"Hajime…" I was surprise to hear my own trembling voice.

He turned around and looked down at me, bothered by my intervention. For him, the main room of the headquarters was definitely not the best place for a sudden demonstration of affection. I ignored his reticence and his reproving looks and reduced the distance between us. After all, in his tortuous mind, not even private rooms were appropriate for such things.

I was wondering if I should tell him. If it was time to reveal my feelings, my fears, my doubts. If it was time to betray the promises I had made to the Choshu clan and give him some hints about what he should expect. But I couldn't do that. As I had said, I wasn't a traitor and not even my love for Hajime would change that. Not ever. And as I looked into Hajime's eyes, I was shocked by their determined expression. I realized that he was even more powerful than I had thought. I had never really seen him into action, but in this moment, I realized the extent of his strength: he was used to get out of trouble. He would come back alive.

"I'll be waiting for your return." I said smiling, all fears of loosing him gone.

He didn't need someone who doubted him or worse, someone weak. Also, I didn't want to cause him any further worries. After all, I was a trained "swordsman" and a good one above all. I could defend myself and I would. He could leave for the battlefield in peace.

Our gazes were still locked, but it was time to part. I respected his wish and I didn't start a public show of emotion. Before he could even reply something, I simply turned around and went upstairs. I preferred being the one leaving. I wouldn't have stand looking at his back as he disappeared in the distance.

I went back to our room, I sat down and picked up a book. I was trying to wait calmly for the first news from the battlefield. But, as nothing came, I grew more and more impatient. I had to know what was happening. I had to know how things were doing for both the Shinsengumi and the Ishinshishi. Finally, I just couldn't concentrate anymore on the book.

I put it aside and went to the window. I was gazing out when the maid came in my room.

"You weren't downstairs tonight… You should eat, so I thought that I might bring you this."

"Thank you. But I'm not really hungry. Not with all that is happening."

I sat down beside the tray of food and she kneeled beside me.

"You wish you could fight with your clan?"

"No, not really. But staying here, waiting, simply drives me crazy. I want to see what's happening. I want to be there, but I can't… And also, I'm worried for the Shinsengumi's members. I know that some of them are going to die and it saddens me. They have all been so kind…"

The maid looked at me surprised.

"You don't want the Ishinshishi's victory?"

"I want to see the new era. I have dreamed of it for I can't even remember how long. But I'm not sure that I'll ever see it. There will be a change yes, but it will probably be very far from what I had envisioned. I don't trust the Ishinshishi's sense of justice: they went too far in this war. They didn't only killed corrupted people who really deserved death, they also cowardly killed a lot of innocent people."

The maid smiled and said.

"You know that, when you first came here, I never thought that I would someday hear such words coming out of your mouth. You did changed a lot lately. Gradually, slowly, but the change is there. And I think that it is a good one. You matured a lot."

The first news came with the first light of dawn. As soon as I heard the headquarters' door being opened and closed, I got up and rushed downstairs. I looked expectantly at the five men coming back from the battlefield. Finally we would get some news. Their usually light blue haori had almost been completely soaked with blood. Their blood, it seemed. They looked totally exhausted. I paled, thinking of Hajime, but I soon remembered that he was stronger than they were. Much stronger…

Some of the men assuring the protection of the headquarters came to see what was happening. We all waited for an answer to our silent questions. Finally, the bad news came.

"Things are not going well out there. A lot of our men got killed. The Ishinshishi are too strong this time. There are rumors that someone might even have seen a canon… We are taking over the job of protecting the headquarters." Said one of the men.

The newcomers settled down in the main room and as the others left for the battlefield. The news should have brightened my day: the Ishinshishi's victory was near. Things were going fine for the new era, but…

I slowly went to the kitchen and picked up some bandages, some medicine and some wet towels to clean the men's wounds. I brought them in silence. Finally, I asked, more curious than anxious.

"How is…?"

"Fine." Answered one of the men before I even finished my question. "When I left the battlefield, Saitou-san was still fighting and really not ready to give up. For now, you don't have to worry about that. But you won't be getting anymore news. Tomorrow morning, when we will leave the headquarters to go back fighting, no one will be sent here, in replacement…"

I smiled, Hajime was fine... Yes it was sure, he would come back. But when? Those last words let me guess that it was only the beginning. A lot more could still happened and it still wasn't the darkest hour.

I went to my room, picked a book and went back downstairs to settle down in the main room with the men, away from the wives' sobbing and weeping. Waiting: that was all I could do now. But I would do it with dignity.

I had decided some days ago that I needed to be morally stronger. Here was my chance to prove that I still had some courage left.

When I woke up next morning, I realized that what the man had said was true. Only the maids and the other wives were in the headquarters. As I looked at the other women during the breakfast, I kept my concerns for myself. This was definitely not a good sign. If no one could stay here to protect us, there had definitely been a lot of human losses...

We were all alone. The headquarters would certainly be an easy target for any Ishinshishi wanting to savor a little victory. Thinking of it, I went to my room, put on my training clothes and picked up my sword. I decided that I would keep it with me, to at least try to assure our protection. That was the least I could do. And it wasn't time to fear that someone might recognize me as an Ishinshishi. Everyone had more important things to do. I went in the main room, preparing for the worst.

I had been immobile, waiting like that for a few hours. I was beginning to fall asleep when some words abruptly woke me up. I secured my grip on my sword and swiftly got up.

A messenger came in. He shortly glanced at me and then started looking around.

"You're alone?" he asked, visibly disappointed.

"Pretty much." I answered, not going into details.

As he swiftly turned around to leave without another word, I stopped him, insulted.

"You know, I can always pass the word around if I see anybody…"

He looked at me briefly and condescended to say.

"Just so you know… my group has left the battlefield. This is nonsense and Kondou is only going to get everybody killed."

On those words, he left. I stared at the door for a while, almost angrily. Coward! Fleeing from the battlefield, leaving the Shinsengumi behind would get everybody killed. And I thought that _my_ attitude lacked courage…

I sat back down and waited once again. I was angry. This lacked honor and, deep inside me, I wished I could have taught that man a lesson. But it wasn't my role. It was the Shinsengumi's business.

"What did he have to say?" asked a trembling voice beside me.

I looked up and my eyes met one of the wives. She was visibly scared, waiting for the worst. I remembered how I had felt just before Hajime had left for the battlefield. How could I tell her…?

"Nothing particularly interesting…" I answered, presenting the facts in a more acceptable way.

Later, we would learn the whole truth. We would learn who had died and who had survived. Then, it would be time to cry and scream. For now, I didn't want a panic inside the headquarters. The situation was already touchy…

I waited for another few hours, not forgetting the man's cowardice. Some people were born in samurai families, but just didn't deserve it.

The maid brought me something to eat and I thanked her gratefully. She quickly left me alone with my thoughts. And hours slowly passed while I waited, waited and waited. Two other messengers came to tell me that their respective groups had stop fighting. I silently listened to their sayings and simply nodded. Even if their cowardice enraged me, there was nothing else I could have done. I was forced to be inactive while others just deserted the battlefield…

Not being there, not being aware of what was happening was really killing me. For a short while, I thought of leaving the headquarters and going to see for myself, but it was something I refused to do. Not only because Saitou and Kondou would not have enjoyed it. But because I was the only one who could protect this place. I had taken this duty upon my shoulders and I would not resign.

The night was about to fall when another messenger entered the headquarters: my brother's killer…

Yes, he was there, standing right in front of me, surprised to find only a woman. A strange woman with her sword.

"I suppose that you came to tell me that your group is leaving the battlefield?" I asked, having seen this scene three times and not according too much credit to the man's real courage.

He raised an eyebrow and looked at me surprised.

"Yes? How do you know?"

"It is true that you prefer killing people in the back than honorably fighting on a battlefield…"

His blank expression told me that he did not really understood the implications of my words. Of course, he couldn't… How could he have made the link between the Ishinshishi chasing him in the streets and the Shinsengumi's wife now standing in front of him? I got up and I started explaining.

"My brother… That is how you killed him. I haven't forgiven nor forgotten. Back then, I saw your lack of courage and honor as I see it today…"

"And you want revenge I suppose? A duel between you, a little girl, and me?" he asked, visibly amused.

No, I didn't exactly wanted revenge. That word had been part of my vocabulary until recently, but now, I wanted something more. I wanted to make sure that people like him wouldn't live in the new era. That would be my share… But I simply answered, knowing that he wouldn't understand all of this.

"You could say so… And if you only kill people in the back, then I think that yes, a _woman_ like me can defeat you."

He laughed, visibly amused and not taking me seriously at all. He would learn better soon…

I was looking defiantly at him. Yes, I really wanted this to happen. For Asaki and for all the people he had killed so far. He had been fighting for the Shogunate, like my husband, and I was in the Shinsengumi's headquarters… But no one would really blame me: he was a deserter.

He shrugged, silently saying _why not_. Visibly, he thought that this could prove to be fun and he wasn't a man who would refuse such an offer. He needed the excitement of the fight and he needed the thrill of the victory, even if it was an easy one. I understood the feeling: many of my Ishinshishi companions had thought the same way.

We began to fight and he soon stopped smiling. I was serious, he shouldn't have doubted about it. My ankle had healed and the training with Soushi had helped me a lot, more that I had thought. My movements were fluids, more than before. And, after a few minutes, it was over. My brother's killer was lying at my feet, dead.

I looked at his inert body for a while, not feeling sorry at all. It had been a loyal fight, I had nothing to reproach myself. In fact, I was serene. I had been waiting for this moment for too long. I needed this relief to finally overcome Asaki's death and move on. For the first time in months, I was free.

I started cleaning my blade while looking at the growing pool of blood. I knew that the other wives were not too far away, hiding, horrified by what had just happened. But, according to me, they shouldn't be. Life was like that: in the end, cowards always got what they deserved.

I frowned as I remembered Himura. He wouldn't have agreed with me. According to him, everyone should get a second chance in life. But I viewed things differently: some people were rotten to the bone and there was just nothing you could do. On that level, Himura and I were very unlike each other. Yes, we both wanted a more peaceful era and he had been there for me, but because of our differences, we had never really become close friends. Just friends.

I should have gotten rid of the body, but I didn't feel like it. Not now. Instead, I went to the window and I looked at the sunset. Its red shades were particularly vivid tonight as if the whole sky was spoiled with the blood of the battle.

I was still looking at this curious sight when Hajime came in the headquarters, exactly like I knew he would. Of course, he seemed to be badly hurt, but he was acting like if those cuts were mere scratches. He wasn't wearing his blue haori, probably not to attract too much attention.

He looked at the body lying on the floor, but seeing the type of injuries, he understood immediately what had just happened. He smirked and only told me.

"Tokio, Kondou asked me to gather some documents and then to promptly leave this place."

"Should I tell the other wives?"

"It's not necessary: they are not coming."

"Why…?" I asked, puzzled.

"Their husbands happen to be all dead, so there will be no one to protect them where we are going."

I heard a soft cry of pain coming from the first floor. One of the wives must have heard our conversation. I felt very sorry for them: I could have been the one gasping for air right now. But I also felt relieved: I would not have to personally announce the bad news.

"So you are leaving them here, without protection instead?" I asked dubiously.

"They will go at a safe inn located in the city's outskirts. One of my men will shortly arrive to lead them there. Everything have been settled, a long time ago, with the innkeeper."

Without further delay, he then walked toward Kondou's office, to accomplish his last task in Kyoto.

I took a deep breath: it was time to act fast. Indecision and thoughts about the battle's issue would have to wait. I judged that this was a good time to pick up some of our stuff. I went to our room and took only the essential. I sighed as I left behind the rich kimono the salesman had given me: it would have been foolish to travel with it. As I came back down, Hajime came out of the office.

"Ready?" he asked.

"Yes." I answered, determined.

If, as I thought, the Shinsengumi had lost, the future wouldn't be very brilliant for us. But I was ready to face anything as long as we were together.

To be continued…

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Notes

Toba-Fushimi, a mount near Kyoto, was the set of the first battle of the Boshin war. That battle was also the first of a series of victorious wins for the Ishinshishi.

Toshizo Hijikata was the vice-captain of the Shinsengumi. He was acquainted with Kondou and Okita even before the Shinsengumi was created.

Remember that the values samurais shared were very different from the values we now share. They had the right to kill, without any justification. And in the RK world, it is quite common (remember Okubo, Usui, Gein and so on…) So, that is why Tokio doesn't have any remorse about killing a man in a loyal fight. And also, it allows her to evolve, once again.

To the reviewers

Special thanks to all the ones who took the time to review this story: IceRain, Muemosyne, me me and only me, Kamorgana, JadeGoddess, Serenity, Charmed-Anime, Aiteane, L. Sith, Akuma no yoru, Wolf of Mibu, Bonessasan, Anaii, Setine, Keito-chan, Lily, Kayrie, Jared/Tofu, The bloody queen of hearts, Dadsnavygirl831 and Alice. (-)

À la prochaine,

Mary-Ann


	13. Defeat or victory?

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Disclaimer: I do not own, in any way, Rurouni Kenshin. Watsuki-sama does. I'm only borrowing his characters for a while.

Once again, I have to thank Kamorgana for her corrections and comments on this chapter. They helped me a lot. -

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Chapter 13 – Defeat or victory?

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When they poured across the border,  
I was cautioned to surrender.  
This I could not do.  
I took my gun and vanished.

Leonard Cohen, _The partisan_

We walked for nearly two hours. We reached the city's outskirts, the modest farms surrounding the agglomeration and finally, the forest. It was cold, though it was bearable, but we went on walking in the woods. Going deeper and deeper, hiding from civilisation. Where? I didn't know, by now I didn't care. I was too tired to care.

I was still able to keep up with Hajime's walking pace, which granted me an appreciative look, but it was only with great difficulties. I was still not in a great physical shape, I was exhausted and the cold bothered me more and more. I tried to ignore it by keeping my mind busy. I didn't know much about what had happened at Toba-Fushimi, I hadn't questioned Hajime yet, but even with the few elements I was aware of, there were a lot of things to think about.

Only one thing was clear: the factions supporting the Shogunate had lost. The Shinsengumi had lost. The first battle was over. But I knew that this wasn't the end. Samurais don't give up like that.

Looking at my husband, I knew that he hadn't said his last word. I didn't know much about him, but I was at least certain that he was a man of courage and of loyalty. Once he had started something, he would always finish it. The case was desperate? Who cared? He would find a way to succeed. He would go on because he truly believed that he was on the right side. Which left him thinking that I had been on the wrong side…

Had I made a mistake in my life then? Not really. I had believed in the new era, I had wanted to help the people of this country. I had followed my brother because I believed in his words. He had been a dreamer. People like him built the future. People like Hajime protected the present. It was simply two different ways of seeing things. No one was wrong, no one was right.

So fundamentally, I had nothing to reproach myself. Far from it. I should be happy about the Ishinshishi's victory then. Yes, it was a first step toward a better future. But would there be a second step?

The maid had told me that there might be none. That even if the new era came, there might be no real change. People are just the way they are and social injustices would always be present. Maybe the maid had been right. Dreamers are not realistic enough.

If it were the case, then the Ishinshishi's fight would loose its purpose. Death, suffering would have been brought with nothing in exchange. Death and suffering had already been brought. Many Miburos had died unfairly, probably under the blows of occidental weapons. They hadn't deserved such a death. That wasn't the Samurai way. That was definitely not what Asaki had I had envisioned for the new era.

Maybe there would be no real new era after all. I feared that the day Hajime would say "I told you so" was not too far…

So, I couldn't help sharing partially the bitter taste of defeat, although I would never openly admit this.

We went on walking in the forest, my moral now going down faster than my strengths. The moon was high in the sky. It was a really peaceful night that contrasted greatly with the events of the day. And finally, in the silence surrounding us, I heard people talking. We took a few steps forward and I saw in the distance the dim lights of fire camps. Finally, we were almost there…

As we came closer, I looked around to see who had survived and who hadn't. I immediately registered the sight of Kondou, Okita, Harada and Hijikata. There were two other captains I wasn't really acquainted with and thirty-six men, among the strongest and the most courageous ones, if I recalled well. If I included Hajime and the man who was presently taking care of the other wives, that made forty-four persons.

"Where are the others?" I asked, fearing the truth. I knew that there had been a lot of deaths, but it couldn't have been as bad as this…

"There are no others." shortly replied Hajime.

No others…? It was a real massacre. The Shinsengumi had comprised more than two hundred men at its peak. And now… This was barely enough to go on fighting. I understood better why they had retreated. Nothing more could have been done without loosing every man and every hope of a comeback.

I was trying to calmly analyse the situation, but I couldn't help feeling sad and concerned. Of course, I had been aware of the fact that some Miburos had died, but now that I knew who were the victims, it was a different story. I couldn't pretend I didn't cared. I would never see these men again. I had appreciated them, they had warmly welcomed me in their headquarters, but now they were dead. My moral sunk even deeper, if it was possible.

As we reached the camp, the men acknowledged our presence with little head bows. I could feel that they were still under the shock of their defeat: they simply couldn't believe it. They hadn't thought that loosing was a possibility. But now, they had lost the first battle.

Soushi remained silent when I sat beside him. He was thinking, analysing the latest events, trying to see what could still be done. So was everyone.

After a while, I felt the need to understand what was exactly going on in their minds. Only thirty-three men were still alive… I needed better explanations about what had exactly happened at Toba-Fushimi. I leaned toward Soushi and discretely asked.

"Was it that bad?"

"More than you can imagine, Tokio-san. More than any of us could have imagine…" replied Soushi, frowning and shaking his head, still in disbelief.

"Tell me… I want to know."

Soushi looked at me with a serious expression greatly contrasting with his boyish features. Then, pondering each word, he slowly said.

"When we arrived at Toba-Fushimi, the battle was already well engaged. The Shogun's army had run directly into the Ishinshishi and they weren't prepared for that. The first few minutes were crucial and the Shogun's troops were rapidly decimated."

As Soushi paused, I encouraged him to go on.

"And then, you joined the fight…"

"Yes, and a bloody battle it was. But we had an advantage: we had experience. We should have won, at a costly price, but we should have won." said Soushi, with conviction.

"But you didn't…"

"No. Rumours began to spread around. Some men had seen a canon, some swore having seen guns. It was just rumours, but it destabilised the other groups, who were not as used to fight as we were. And when the Ishinshishi finally started using their occidental weapons, they were already paralysed by fear. One by one, the other groups quickly left the battlefield. We were alone and I don't have to tell you that we didn't last long after that."

Soushi paused again. He didn't like having to relate the events that had led to his defeat. No warrior would like it, but Hajime would probably have enjoyed it even less. I doubted that he would have answered my questions. That's why I hadn't asked him anything. I knew my limits.

But I understood what Soushi meant. The other groups' cowardice had precipitated the Shinsengumi's defeat. That's exactly what I had suspected back at the headquarters. I had been right to feel angered.

"You know, Tokio-san, some decisions are hard to take and some orders are hard to follow. But when Kondou-sama asked us to retreat, saying that there was nothing else we could do, we all agreed and followed him. It was either escaping or surrendering… It was over. We had lost Kyoto."

I didn't reply anything to that. It was the reality, their reality, and no kind words could change what had happen. I was sorry for them, yes, but to voice that feeling would have sound awkward. At least, coming from me, a former enemy…

We ate in silence, all lost in our thoughts. Still having difficulties accepting their defeat, no one was thinking about going to sleep. Everyone just remained in his spot.

Finally, Kondou spoke. He had to say something to shake is troop. As a leader, it was his job. They had to move on and forget about this.

"I know that this isn't what we had wished for. Yes, we lost, but only because we could do nothing against the occidental weapons they used. In fighting spirit and abilities, we won. And this is not the end of the world. A lot of our comrades are dead, but so are a lot of Ishinshishi…"

I kept my eyes fixed on the ground. I did not trouble myself looking at Kondou. Less than twenty percent of the manpower remained and it wasn't the end of the world? It was over for the Shinsengumi, he had to admit it.

"I'm not going to dissolute the Shinsengumi. There will be other battles, in other cities. We will join the forces present there. And you'll see, in the end, we will win. It won't be the kind of victory we had all hoped for, but we will win."

Hearing this, I finally looked up. Kondou had a lot of charisma and it was hard to ignore him. But was he really right?

I looked at the men around me and I noticed that they all had a new determination in their face, a new spark in their eyes. Apparently, Kondou's words immediately had the wanted effect. Five minutes ago they still wanted to fight, but they had difficulties getting over their defeat. Now, they were ready to forget Toba-Fushimi and only focus on the future.

Realising this, I started to feel ashamed. Even if I was physically tired, even if it was cold, even if I had realised that I might have been fighting for the wrong cause, even if some of my friends were dead, I shouldn't have let dark thoughts influence me. Visibly, the Shinsengumi were still strong. No, I shouldn't have doubted these men, even if it had just been for a short while. I had made a mistake, once more, but I decided that it would be the last one.

"Of course, we'll have to act more discretely from now on: we are outlaws. The roles have been reversed. It's a thing we are not really used to, but I'm sure that we'll manage."

"How?" asked Hijikata, already thinking of what would happen tomorrow morning.

"It won't be easy. We have to stay in contact, be close to one another, nevertheless keeping enough distance, to avoid arousing suspicion. So I think that we should settle in different districts of a big city. Each time we'll learn about a new battle, we'll quickly go there. That's the best solution I can see for now. "

"This plan is fine with me," Hijikata agreed.

"And with me," backed up Soushi, giving his full support to Kondou.

One by one, the other men nodded or voiced their support. Only Hajime remained silent. As everyone glared at him, waiting for his approval, he snorted and shrugged his shoulders: his way of saying that he was in.

"If anything ever goes wrong, we'll retreat to Aizu. There, we won't be troubled… The rebels have absolutely no power on the affairs of that fief."

I really admired Kondou. He knew how to convince people. He did not need to be feared. Intelligence and respect was sufficient. And with the plans he could come up with, in such a short lapse of time, he really deserved that respect.

Everyone finally went to sleep, but I remained where I was, still thinking about all the bad and all good things that had happened to me lately. But now, I was doing it with a clear mind. My wrong assumptions about the Shinsengumi had just made me realise that you had to remain grounded in every situation.

Yes, it wasn't the end of the Shinsengumi. I admired them for their courage and their determination. And now that I feared that the new era would never see the day, I was ready to give them my full support. Yes, at least, we had to protect what we already had.

Soushi, who was still sitting beside me, finally also got up. He looked at me, questioningly.

"I'm fine, Soushi. Don't worry for me." I said, smiling. I had finally, and definitely, found some peace of mind.

"I have every right to be worried for you: you don't deserve such a life. You should be partying with your group right now. Not be stuck here with us…"

"I married Saito and I will follow him everywhere he goes, no matter where this road takes me."

"But that doesn't change the fact that this is a life you didn't choose."

"It's true that this life is very far from what I had envisioned. But don't think that I haven't chosen it. My actions slowly led me here. I wouldn't change anything. It is my life now."

Soushi kneeled beside me, he looked at me directly in the eyes and said.

"I hope that you'll never regret those words and that you'll be happy…"

"We build our own happiness by the way we handle things." I replied. At least, that was a thing I had learned lately.

I was becoming embarrassed by the serious and personal twist our discussion was taking. I was going to leave, when Soushi stopped me. He gently grabbed my wrist and told me.

"Saitou-san is a great man. Never loose faith in him, whatever might happen: he won't let you down."

I stared at him, surprised. Soushi's words had never been as direct before and I understood what it meant. Soushi thought that, for a long time, we wouldn't be able to share those kinds of discussions. Starting tomorrow, the Shinsengumi's members would have to avoid seeing each other.

"Tokio-san… Always remember your luck. Saitou-san was, and still is, my best friend. And there are reasons for that. He is sometimes heartless and he can be cruel, but never without reasons. He has the best judgement of all."

"I know… I realised that a long ago."

"You changed lately, for the best. You don't rely on others as much as you used to. Of course, you still hesitate before taking decisions and you have doubts, but less than before. And you can find the answers to your questions by yourself. I think that gradually, you are taking assurance. You are getting morally stronger. And Saitou will need someone just like that by his side."

I blushed under the compliments and I shyly said.

"Thank you Soushi. Our friendship means a lot to me. Sometimes I don't know what I would have done without you. I hope that we'll be able to see each other soon."

"Me too, Tokio-san. Me too." replied Soushi, looking at the sky.

My stomach was in knots. I had a bad feeling about this. I had the feeling that this might, in fact, be our last real discussion. With the events to come, and with Soushi's disease, I was wondering if we would be able to see each other again. Tomorrow morning, I would loose my best friend. And, I would be even lonelier.

Within a few months interval, I had lost my father and my brother. I had left the rest of my family behind to join the fight. After loosing my dreams, I had even given up fighting. And now I would also loose Soushi. I only had Hajime left. But being by his side was more than I had wished for in the first place.

I was searching for Hajime. I had talked and thought enough, I needed some sleep now. The early January cold air only reminded me of how great it was to sleep on a warm futon, but I would have to deal with it.

Finally, I found Hajime. He had lit a fire camp and was enjoying a cigarette. I sat beside him, in silence. I gazed into the dancing flames, happy to have found a source of heat. After a while, Hajime said, without directly looking in my direction.

"You don't have to stay."

I blinked, unsure of what I had heard.

"What do you mean?"

"It's not your battle. You can go directly to Aizu, to your family. No one will mind much if you leave, considering the circumstances…"

Lately, after he had protected me from Ishinshishi in the street, a few days ago, I had started suspecting that my presence meant something to Hajime, something else than a nuisance. I was aware of the fact that he was still not ready to accept that reality, but I could wait. Only… What was this proposition suppose to mean?

"And you, would you mind?" I asked hesitantly.

Still without looking at me, he briefly answered.

"It would be the normal thing to do. And you are still my wife: we will see each other once this is over."

He then tossed his cigarette aside. I observed him closely, trying to guess what was really going on in his twisted mind. His proposition was wise: I would be safe there. But...

"My answer is no: I won't escape from my responsibilities. I promised to be your wife and to support you, no matter what. I won't break those promises. We are in the same boat now."

He finally looked at me, questioningly, while I went on.

"As I told you, the fact that Kondou interfered with our private life displeased me very much, yes. But somehow I don't regret it. And I'm ready to face everything."

There was so much I wished I could have told him: that I loved him, that I truly cared for him and that I wouldn't be able to live without him. But I didn't voice that out. Not now, and maybe not ever.

There are things that could be said without words. And this was one of them. I was too shy to frankly tell him my feelings and Hajime despised emotional people too much to appreciate such a demonstration. But I knew that he had understood and, the fact that he didn't protest any further told me that he wasn't totally against my decision.

We were both gazing in the fire. Finally, Hajime got up and went to retrieve two blankets of our small pile of belongings. He threw one in my direction and sat, leaning on a tree, for the night.

I hesitated for a while, but finally I got up and sat beside him. No, he wouldn't be able to get rid of me now. I put my head on his shoulder and wrapped my arms around his torso. I felt him tense, and then relax.

"Women…" he said, snorting disdainfully.

I smiled inwardly. That was how I loved him. He didn't need to change. I didn't want him to change.

The fire slowly extinguished itself. A page of my life had been turned. Tomorrow a new journey would begin. We would have to live like outlaws for a while, but I think that it would be worth it. It would be a life with Hajime.

When I woke up the next morning, Hajime was already busy, discussing business with Kondou, Hijikata and Okita. I yawned and sat down. My whole body ached from the uncomfortable night of sleep: the temperature had almost reached the freezing point.

I got up and walked toward the small group of men. Not necessarily to share their conversation, but because they had lit a fire. However, that didn't stop me from listening with interest, as they elaborated the last details of their plan. It had seemed simple last night, but it was not…

We would go to Edo and we had to choose the exact locations: some would live at the city's outskirts, some in densely populated districts. If we wanted to go unnoticed, we had to arrive separately in the city, on different days and from different directions. We also had to travel separately. According to that plan, some of us would stay here a few days more and some of us would leave right away.

Hijikata proposed that Hajime and I would be the first one to leave the camp and that we would halt on our way to Edo in a small city, to take a few days of rest. He probably thought that I was too weak to stay here longer than necessary or to cover that distance in one shot. I couldn't blame him after the way I had ended up being injured the other night…

Hijikata also proposed that Soushi left the camp immediately. Unlike us, he wouldn't halt: he would go to Tokyo right away. I was happy to learn about that decision: spending too many nights in that freezing cold wouldn't do any good to Soushi's already fragile health condition.

Two other men would leave the camp today. They would not take the same road: they would take a few days off to visit their family. All the other Shinsengumi's members would follow us, one by one, during the next few days. Within a month everyone should be in Edo.

I listened to all of this and I realised that Kondou was taking a lot of precautions. Almost too many precautions for my taste. Kondou would change is name for Yamato Okubo, change the Shinsengumi's name and, most of all, he was talking about what would happen if anything ever happened to him. He didn't want to take any chance.

Finally, Kondou asked if the latest plan suited everyone and all the men silently nodded. The discussion was near and end and our journey would begin.

Hajime and I quickly packed our things and we waited for Soushi: we would walk together for a few hours before parting for good. Leaving this place made me feel relieved. Yes, I had respected these men very much, they had been my friends, but… Because of the promises I had made to the Ishinshishi, I couldn't help feeling a bit like a traitor. I was living under the enemy's roof. It wasn't a very nice feeling, but now, I would finally be able to sleep more peacefully. It would be a life I had chose and I wouldn't be ashamed of it.

We walked in silence, for a long while. None of us really knew what to say. Finally, as we reached the junction where our roads would part, we paused and Soushi slowly said.

"Tokio-san, take care of yourself. And always remember what I told you…"

"I certainly will."

Then, Soushi turned toward Hajime and both men said goodbye with only little head bows. Everything was said. Soushi addressed us a last cheerful smile and rapidly disappeared in the distance. It was the last time I would see him.

I had never enjoyed weeping or crying. Only events as powerful as my brother's death could be the cause of such an outburst of emotions. And this was such an event. As Hajime started walking again, I was trying to stay calm. I didn't want to show my weaknesses to him. But finally, I couldn't repress my emotions anymore. A first tear rolled on my cheek, soon followed by many more.

Blinded, I stopped walking while Hajime went on. Finally noticing that I wasn't following anymore, he turned around clearly annoyed.

"We have a great distance to cover, Takagi" he shortly stated, switching back to my old name: a thing he would often do each time I would manage to get on his nerves.

He lit a cigarette and looked at me, waiting.

"I'm sorry." I almost whispered, trying to overcome my feelings. "Too many things happened lately, that's all…"

I slowly reduced the distance between us: I had no energy left…

"Try not to act like a sissy too often, Takagi, or I'll wish I had left you behind at the headquarters..."

Those rude words immediately calmed me down as I absorbed the shock... I knew that, even if he didn't show it, Hajime was almost as affected as I was by Soushi's departure. He had been his best friend for many years. But he was moving on. I was still really sad, but I realised that I had to do the same thing. Life wouldn't end here. Other difficulties were lying ahead and I would have to be strong…

"I think that there will be many more reasons why you'll wished you had left me behind…" I said almost mockingly, trying to show him that I was also looking forward, and not backward.

Hajime smirked and said.

"That's exactly what I fear, Tokio."

To be continued…

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Notes

Forty-four Miburo survived the Toba-Fushimi battle. A few months later, there were less then twenty Miburo left …

Among the most notorious members, Kondou, Saitou, Okita, Hijikata, Nagakura and Harada survived to the Toba-Fushimi battle.

After Toba-Fushimi, the Shinsengumi settled in Edo and they changed their name to Koyo Chinbu-tai. The were now outlaws… I took the liberty to say that they would travel separately and live in different districts to avoid arousing suspicion. In fact, they stick together, but I prefered, for the purpose of this story, leaving Saito and Tokio alone together for a while, away from the conflict…

Isami Kondou changed is name to Yamato Okubo to avoid being recognised. However, it didn't help him much… - More to come on that in the next chapter.

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About Tokio

Tokio is slowly becoming a morally stronger person in this story, as Okita pointed out in this chapter. Of course, she still has moments of doubts: no evolution happens smoothly, it is a bumpy road. And after all, a lot of events are happening at the same time. But now, she finally understood a couple of things and she finally made her own choices. She's on the right track and she shouldn't fall back again.

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History and fiction

This story is pure fiction, but I'm trying to be as historically correct as I can when I'm mentioning important events. But sometimes, it is true that readers can have difficulties guessing where history ends and when fiction starts…

My main sources of information are the manga and the Kenshin Kaden. However, Watsuki did not give every detail so I sometimes have to seek for other sources. But it is almost amusing to see the number of contradictory things you can read on the web. (And even my two Japanese history books don't say exactly the same thing)

When I doubt the information I read on the web, I stick to the few things Watsuki said and I add a few home-made details to match my story's purpose.

So don't necessarily believe everything I say. If I don't give details about something in my notes, there are good chances that it is fiction (unless I forgot to mention something… -).

And the main liberty I took was the Toba-Fushimi battle. Yes, it was the first battle of the Boshin war, it did happened in January 1868, the Shinsengumi did loose and, according to Watsuki, Saitou did fight during that battle. But the rest is my doing: the battle's length, the other groups' cowardice, how it exactly began…

I'm sorry if I, unintentionally, made you believe that that was how things really happened. -

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To the reviewers

Special thanks to all the one who took the time to review this story: IceRain, JadeGoddess, Aimi-chan, DustyFall, Setine, Brittany8, Lily, Wolf of Mibu, Kamorgana, Bonessasan, L. Sith, Keito-chan, Lasaire, Aiteane, Akuma no yoru, Charmed Anime and Moondemon. (-)

À la prochaine,

Mary-Ann


	14. And in the end

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Disclaimer: I do not own, in any way, Rurouni Kenshin. Watsuki-sama does. I'm only borrowing his characters for a while.

As always, special thanks to Kamorgana for her useful comments on this chapter.

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Chapter 14 – And in the end

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August 1868, eight months later

A whole year had gone by since I had left Aizu, since I had gone to Kyoto. A tough year. Life is like that. Two shots of happy, one shot of sad, they say. But in my case, it would be more like one shot of happy, two shots of sad.

That's exactly how I could describe the last few months. Since January, the Shinsengumi was going from tragedy to tragedy. Our lives were almost daily shaken by some bad news. But at the same time, those months forged me into someone morally stronger and they were also a blessing for me: once alone with Hajime, our relation could finally evolve into something great. Something I would cherish forever.

What happened exactly during those few months? It's a short question, but the answer is long and complex. In fact, I was, and I still am, unable to understand why things turned out the way they did.

For about four years, the Shinsengumi had been the dominant figure of this war. They had the power and the Ishinshishi could only dream to scratch them. But since Toba-Fushimi, things had dramatically changed. Every time we thought that we had hit the rock bottom, we would fall even deeper.

The travel from Kyoto to Edo hadn't been an easy one. In appearances, my strengths were back, but in fact, I would get tired fast. Well, faster than Hajime would.

While this probably annoyed him to some extent, he let me stay with him and never suggested again that I directly went to Aizu. He knew that soon, I would get better, so he gave me my chance. He even started planning longer halts.

When we finally reached the little village where we were supposed to spend a few nights, I was very glad and relieved. Even if Hajime had taken some precautions, I still really needed to rest. And I was very grateful to Hijikata for having wisely estimated my strengths.

During the few days we spent there, we didn't talk much. But now, every night, when I would put my head on his shoulder, like I had done at the camp, he would not protest. However, things never went farther than that. It was too soon. We still had to get used to each other.

Once in Edo, we ended up in a small room in the heart of the city. We didn't have much space, but I couldn't have cared less. I was with Hajime and that was all that mattered to me.

We soon learned that other Shinsengumi members had also arrived in the city, but we didn't try to contact them: we couldn't. Shinsengumi were now outlaws and we couldn't risk blowing up our cover by publicly being seen together. No one knew that the survivors were in Edo, ready to fight. Every one thought that Kondou and his men had left the battle for good.

The money Hajime had collected at the headquarters before leaving Kyoto had been divided among the thirty-three remaining Shinsengumi members. It wasn't enough to cover our expenses for several months, or possibly more, so, Hajime had found a part-time low-job in the city, a thing he didn't really enjoyed. He intended to quit as soon as there would be a new disturbance. His salary wasn't much, but with what we already had it allowed us to live decently.

Things went on like this for a while. Despite the fact that we had become closer to one another, Hajime and I would often argue. We had different views on a lot of things, and particularly the war. After such verbal fights, we generally didn't speak to each other for a few days. We were both stubborn and we both didn't want to take the first steps.

But eventually, when necessity arose, we would speak again to each other. Getting some news of the other survivors was a particularly strong incitement.

We received some in March. Not all the remaining Shinsengumi's members had made it to Edo. Some had been caught on the way. Of course, there were Miburos left, yet not enough, considering the battles still to come…

I was still trying to get over the deaths of our companions when other bad news came: the Emperor's army was on its way to Edo. They had decided that they would also take this city.

Hajime was more than eager to fight again, even if he knew that the chances of success were limited. It would probably be a second Toba-Fushimi. The Emperor forces would, once again, use their occidental weapons, while the Shinsengumi and the Shogun's forces would only use their swords: using foreigners' tactics and not fighting like a real samurai wasn't considered an honourable thing to do. Moreover, with the growing legend of the Toba-Fushimi battle, the other troops still fighting for the old Japan were ready to surrender at the first strike. About twenty Miburo wouldn't make much difference, yet they were ready to try.

Unfortunately, Hajime's views on the war proved to be right. In April, the Emperor's army won the battle. And, most of all, in spite of all the precautions he had taken, Kondo had been clearly identified by his enemies. Trapped, having no other choice, he surrendered. He was publicly decapitated a few days after that: they had decided to make an example out of him. The remaining Shinsengumi would learn their lesson…

But we didn't. We were all greatly shaken by the lost of our leader, but Hijikata rapidly stepped in and took the commands. He ordered that Miburos should remain hidden in Edo, soon to be renamed Tokyo, until he found a way out of this. With nothing else to do, we stayed in our apartment, waiting until finally, one night, Hijikata visited us. He had contacted people in Aizu, to make sure that our presence was really wanted there, and he had finally decided that it was time to retreat. We would organise a form of resistance over there.

It was May, I was gathering our small belongings, and I felt optimistic. I was eager to finally go back to Aizu and see the city I had left months ago. And, once there, we wouldn't have to hide anymore. I would see Soushi: it had been foolish to think that that cold January day had been our last meeting. I was completely unaware of the shock I was going to receive.

I can still remember precisely my conversation with Hajime, that fateful day. He had just come back home when I joyously told him:

"Coming to Edo was a mistake… This city didn't do us any good. We'll certainly be luckier in Aizu. I can't wait to see Soushi. And my family…"

I had looked at Hajime, waiting for at least one word of approval, but he had only stood still, deadly serious. Finally, he had said.

"We are not going to Aizu right away…"

"What!? Why?"

"Kai Shimada just got caught by the Emperor's men. They managed to get out of him a complete list of the other fourteen remaining members of the Shinsengumi"

"They caught Shimada and he spoke? I wouldn't have expected that…"

"Me neither. So now, we have to delay our trip to Aizu for a while: the Emperor's troops will be checking all the roads leading there for some time. They know that's where we want to go next…"

I had remained silent for a while, under the shock and disappointed. We would have to wait even more before seeing Soushi and my family. After all these months, I had been very eager to be back home.

"Hajime…" I had said, as I had realised something else. "You said _the other fourteen members of the Shinsengumi_… There were fifteen. Who is missing?"

He hadn't answered my question. He had only stared at me, knowing that I would understand soon enough. I had walked in his direction and as I had stood an inch away from him, I had asked the question again, more slowly and more firmly, wishing that the answer wouldn't be the one I feared.

"Who is missing?"

"Okita." Hajime had finally answered.

My heart had missed as my hopes of the previous days vanished. Hajime's next words had suddenly sounded very distant.

"He got in the hospital yesterday. Everyone says that he'll pass away before the end of the day."

Of course I had seen this coming for months, but to actually live this was a completely different thing. This lost was the last thing that helped me become more mature. But was loosing my only friend really worth it…?

However I had gained something else in the process. Quickly after I received the news, I had sought comfort into Hajime's arms and he had not refused me. That day, I had really become his wife. The events had made us forget about our differences and our past allegiances. Tragedies united us forever.

All those things, mixed together, made me become the person I am today. It hadn't been easy, but looking back, I can say that I am proud and that I wouldn't change anything. Soushi had said that Hajime would need a strong woman by his side, and that was what I had slowly become.

When Hajime and I finally arrived in Aizu, a few weeks ago, there was still some room from improvement, but I was definitely morally stronger and wiser than when I left my parents' house. From the impulsive little sister listening to her brother's every advice, I had become a well-pondered women making her own decisions. I didn't rely on others as much as I used to. Since Soushi left, there was no one who could fulfil the big brother role for me. Hajime would never be that. His reaction at my friend's death, and what had immediately followed, had made me aware of it.

Yes, I was definitely stronger, yet I hadn't become insensitive. Even though three months had passed since Soushi's death, I was still having difficulties to get over my sadness.

I had thought that once in Aizu, with my family, I would finally be able to heal my wounded heart. But being back home didn't bring me the comfort I had expected. When I had left this city, the citizens were happy and it was a peaceful place to live. But now, it was a very different story. I almost couldn't recognise the places I had cherished in another life.

This city was the set of the third battle. Shortly after our arrival, the fight had begun and now the conflict was already well engaged. As far as we knew, it would be the bloodiest battle of all. The people of Aizu wanted to resist as long as possible: they were courageous and the word _surrender_ was not part of their vocabulary.

Death and screams of pain had replaced the joy and laughter. The smell of blood filled the whole city. I had witnessed some fights and, even if I had seen many killings and live many fights, I almost couldn't stand this horrible sight.

But as I had decided long ago, due to my past allegiance, I wouldn't play any role in this conflict. I was supporting the Shinsengumi with all my heart, but I didn't go on the battlefield to fight. Instead, I was staying at my parents' house.

That was the other reason why being in Aizu didn't brought me the comfort I had sought for. As soon as I came back home, I immediately regretted having wished to come back here: over the past few months, I had come to idealise living at my parent's house. But staying here was by far the wisest thing to do. I wanted to stay neutral and the presence of the numerous of security guards around the house would prevent me from having to take extreme measures. Only fools would attack us here. And, after all, where would I have gone instead? I wasn't really acquainted with other people in this city and Hajime had had no time to find a decent place to stay.

So now, I wasn't perfectly happy. In fact, I was even a little bit worried. I didn't hear from Hajime for a few days now. My uncle regularly received new from the battle, and we knew precisely what Hijikata and the others were up to, but Hajime didn't seem to be with them.

As I believed in him, I knew he was still alive somewhere, fighting, and that he would come back to me once this would be finished. But I wished to know more about this, now.

I sighed and looked at my mother who was sitting in the dark at the other end of the room. She didn't talk much and barely reacted. I even doubted that she had really noticed that I was back home, or even that I had left. After my father's death, she had shut herself from the outer world, and the actual events didn't help her condition.

She was very unlike me, ready to surrender as the first difficulty arose. That was why I had left home in the first place: I wasn't really part of this family. I was different. I had loved my parents, yes, but another life had been waiting for me.

As footsteps disrupted my thoughts, I presumed that it was my uncle coming back home. Without turning around, I asked him.

"Still nothing from Hajime, I suppose?"

"No. But some rumours says that he would be fighting elsewhere, apart from the main group."

I looked at him as he spoke and noticed that he looked tired and exhausted. And being very aware of what was happening outside these walls, I could only understand why.

"More bad news, today?" I asked.

"Yes. The siege at the castle is becoming particularly violent. The citizens have started giving a hand to our troops: they just don't want to give up. But I can tell you, I've seen the battlefield, and I heard the screams, and it doesn't look good for us. Not at all..."

I looked at my uncle as he wiped his eyes, visibly tired. Being one of Aizu's officials was a hard job these days.

My uncle went on talking, telling me the latest tales, and summarising the latest reports. He was talking more for himself than for me. He didn't believe that women could play a role in this world.

Hearing what he had to say was giving me a headache. It was already a pure nightmare, but things were getting even worse. This was my city. These were the people I had grown up with. And now they were all dying because of people like Asaki and I. Foolish dreamers who had thought that building a better world was possible and within reach. Talk of a better world… Not too long ago, this city was quiet and peaceful, but now… This was the result of the Ishinshishi's actions.

The new era would have been built with innocent's blood. Definitely, this wouldn't be a better world. Different in appearances maybe, but not better.

Now, I perfectly understood Hajime's way of seeing things. I perfectly understood the Shinsengumi's purpose: protect what we had. It was so simple, but it had took me so long to fully understand it… Even during the last few months, after I had realised that there would be no new era, I had started supporting the Shinsengumi, but without realising why it was so important.

I guess that I had to see the results of my past actions by myself. And that's exactly what I was doing now…

Once this would be over, I would make up for it. With Hajime, I would try to make sure that at least this new era would be a relatively secure place to live in. I knew that he wouldn't object. No matter what happened to this country, he would still apply his Aku Soku Zan philosophy. Forever.

Next time: the epilogue…

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Author's comments

This was the story's conclusion. It is a bit shorter than the other chapters were, but it says everything I had wanted to say. I didn't want to dilute my story by going on any longer than necessary.

I only rapidly mentioned the events preceding the battle of Aizu as it wasn't the point of this story. But still, the basic facts were important to understand Tokio's thoughts and actions in Aizu.

When I first got the idea of writing _The Choices we Make_ months ago, this was exactly where I wanted to end this story. I wanted Tokio to come back to Aizu and realise the consequences of the war. With everything she had already achieved on the personal level, I think that this completes her maturation.

But even if this is the story's real ending, I wrote a small epilogue taking place ten years after the events related here. To see how Tokio's life evolved once the Bakumatsu was over. It should be out soon as, as I already pointed out, it is a _short_ epilogue! -

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Notes

I could probably rambled on for a long time here… So I'll only sum up the info that can be found in the Kenshin Kaden about the Boshin War.

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Januray 1868: Toba Fushimi Battle: the Boshin War begins.

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March 1868: Less than twenty members of the Shinsengumi, now officially called Koyo Chinbu Tai, had survived.

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April 1868: Isami Kondo, after having surrendered to the enemy (because he had no other choice, not because he was a coward -), died decapitated.

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May 1868: Kai Shimada (the Shinsengumi's tallest member!) left a document containing the name of all the remaining members of the Shinsengumi while Soushi Okita slowly die of tuberculosis in a Edo hospital.

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July 1868: Edo is now called Tokyo. The Aizu battle, the third battle, begins. It is said that Saito's group was separated from the main group during that battle, but that he did fight until the end.

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August 1868: The end of the Aizu battle.

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May 1869: The last battle of the Boshin war, in Hokkaido. Hijikata dies under the enemy's bullets.

Okay, as I said in the previous chapter, historical Saito was still living with the other Miburo, but here, for the romantic purpose of the fic, I deliberately changed. That.

There might have been more (or less) names than fourteen on the list Kai Shimada gave. I said fourteen in this chapter to justify the fact that Tokio realise that something is going on with Okita.

About Kai Shimada: I don't know it he actually betrayed the Shinsengumi by telling the names of his remaining companions or if he was carrying a document containing those names when he was arrested. It's not very clear in the Kenshin Kaden. But here, I supposed that he actually said the names as I thought that it would be pretty stupid to be in possession of such a document when the Shinsengumi members were outlaws.

Or course, I don't know if the Shinsengumi's trip to Aizu was delayed or not after the enemy got this list, but as there was some months between that event and the Aizu battle, I thought that it might have been a possibility. There have been many more internal conflicts, affairs, surounding the trip to Aizu, but I'm putting those under silence, as my notes are still long enough like that. (T-T)

If the Aizu battle sounds familiar to you, it's because Megumi refers to it in the manga (and probably in the anime… I can't remember quite well what she exactly says in it). Yes, the Aizu battle is when she got separated from her family.

As I have no precise information about why Saito got separated from the main group during the Aizu battle, I preferred only vaguely referring to that.

So, in the end, who among the Shinsengumi members survived the Boshin war? Saito… That's all I know for sure. But I think that Shinpachi Nagakura (the second division's captain) also survived as Watsuki once said that he had planned including him in Rurouni Kenshin. A thing he didn't do. (T-T).

One last comment: although the Shinsengumi were now officially called Koyo Chinbu-Tai, I preferred sticking with the old name. There are three reasons behind this. One: for better understanding of this chapter. Two: I think that among their group, the Shinsengumi's members wouldn't have changed their old habits. Three: I can't spell Koyo Chinbu-Tai correctly without checking more than twice!

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To the reviewers

Special thanks to all the ones who took the time to review this story: Aiteane, IceRain, DustyFall, Kamorgana, Bonessasan, Setine, JadeGoddess, Yamitamashii, Aimi-chan and L. Sith. (-)

À la prochaine!

Mary-Ann


	15. Tokio Fujita

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Disclaimer: I do not own, in any way, Rurouni Kenshin. Watsuki-sama does. I'm only borrowing his characters for a while.

And months later, finally, the epilogue…

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Chapter 15 – Tokio Fujita

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1878, Tokyo, ten years later

A lot of things changed over the past ten years. Life hasn't always been easy for us, but we made the best out of it. We did things our way.

Hajime went on fighting. He served many causes, but only one master: Japan. And now, in this new era, being a policeman is the best way to ensure the country's peace. I'm proud of what he is and what he does. I always did my best to support him, but I can't always do it now. I have other priorities.

I have a wonderful son and it is my duty to raise him as a true honourable man. I want him to understand our way of life, to accept it and maybe to eventually embrace it. That's my mission: making a good man out of my son.

Of course, Hajime is rarely here with me, but I don't focus too much on that: I now totally trust him and I know that he will always come back. It's just that… It's quite lonely around here, sometimes.

I have no real friends. I can't really tell anyone who we are and besides, no one wants to be friend with that police officer's wife… I don't regret living far away from gossips, but if there could only be someone like Soushi, I would be glad. I truly miss him. But in this new era, that kind of people is more than rare. Almost non-existent.

Hajime is the last one of his kind.

Hajime trusts me and when he comes back home, he briefly tells me everything about his missions and he talks about the current political and social situation. And I can't say that I am happy about what I hear: as I had feared long ago, the new era has never really seen the day. Yes, there are no more Samurais, everyone is supposedly equal and you can't carry swords around anymore, but in the end, it makes no real difference… People are not free: they are enslaved by work. Lower class and upper class still exist. Nothing has fundamentally changed.

And I now have enough maturity to admit that nothing will ever change. All along the way, the maid had been right. I should have believed her right away and save a few weeks of indecision. Humans will always be humans. There will always be conflicts, deaths, suffering. You can only dream of a real world of justice. And you can only do a small share.

Hajime and I made more than our share, and we will do it for still many years to come. We don't necessarily live a conventional life, but I had never wished for one. That's why I had left my family in the first place. To me, there is no other way of life. Hajime and I share the same opinion on that subject matter.

And it's not the only thing we shared over the years: we truly love, trust and respect each other. As I had thought many years ago, we never voiced any of those feelings. But it is there. And it's sufficient. When, at the end of the day, I lay down next to Hajime, I feel perfectly happy and secure.

I don't have to seek for physical contact anymore, he forgot his reticence long ago: if not, we wouldn't have a son. He may not be here very often, but when he comes back, he always knows how to make up for it.

We have been living in Tokyo for a short while. It's a change, but there were so many changes in our life that it has become a norm. I'm used to it. We moved here after Hajime was assigned to the task of evaluating Himura's actual strength. It's a task that Hajime more than eagerly welcomed. He had awaited that re-match for so long. Of course, his mission only demanded to test Himura's fighting abilities, but…

However, the Shishio episode never brought back that re-match. It only brought a new member to our family: Eiji. The fight was delayed once again. And again. And again.

And now, according to Hajime's sayings, Himura changed very much. He is definitely not the man he once was. There would be no point to fight against such an opponent. This is not the Battousai he once knew. This is a very different man and fighting against him wouldn't really be a re-match.

Disgusted by what one of the last men he respected has become, Hajime decided that we would leave Tokyo in two days. Another change.

At first, I didn't knew what we would do of Eiji. But Hajime quickly suggested that we brought the boy with us. He gets along well with our son and Hajime believes that he has potential. He could become someone great, if given the chance. And I also think that we could give him that chance…

I am standing in the Tokyo's public market for the last time. I am trying to gather the few things we will need on our trip. I am minding my own business when I have the feeling that someone is observing me. I haven't lost all of my fighting abilities.

I raise my head and take a look around. There, at the other end of the market, stands Himura: the exact replica of our last meeting. I smile and slightly bow my head to acknowledge his presence. I then take a few steps forward and say.

"It's been a long time, Himura-san."

"Yes, it's been a long time… I'm glad to see that you are doing fine."

"You seriously doubted it?" I ask teasingly, smiling warmly.

I shortly glance at the people surrounding him and recognise them instantly: Hajime knows how to efficiently describe people.

"I see that you are also doing fine." I say.

"Yes." Himura smiles.

We stare at each other for a while, not really knowing what else to say. It has been a long time, things have change and we had never really been that close… I take look at Himura's girlfriend who is furiously glaring at me, jealously wondering who I am…

I am going to leave, amused, letting him solve this little pre-marital problem alone, when someone calls my name.

"Fujita-san, Fujita-san!"

I turn around and look at the small policeman.

"Yes?" I ask.

"I've been looking for you: I have a note for you, from your husband."

I take the note and understand the small man's hurry: no one in the department wants to be on Hajime's black list….

"Will there be a reply?" asks the man, as I am folding the note back.

"No." I shortly answer. What could I say more? If Hajime has decide that we will leave tonight and not in two days, there is simply no way I will make him change his mind.

I then turn around to face Himura and his friends. Himura and the Weasel girl seem to have already established the link between the words "Fujita", "husband" and the policeman bringing me the note. Others, like the chicken-head, are apparently still trying to figure out why they are now voiceless…

"I have to go." I briefly explain. I have a trip to prepare.

I attempt to leave, for the second time, when Himura says.

"I didn't knew…"

"I never expected you to know…" I reply, amused.

On those words, I turn around for good, without looking back. Years ago, I would have been devastated by such an event. I would have wondered what Himura would have thought of me: an Ishinshishi sleeping with the enemy. I would have been afraid of the fact that he could possibly consider me as a traitor… I would have been worried about the fact that he might even tell my story to his other friends, though I doubt he would ever do it. I would have feared their reaction, their judgement.

But now, I am not afraid, nor worried, nor devastated. Not at all. I am proud of the choices I have made. I am proud of my life as it is. This is what I had wanted all along the way. This is who I am.

THE END

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Notes

This chapter takes place right after the Revenge arc. At that time, Tokio and Saito had only one child. I respected that historical fact even if their wedding occurred 5 years earlier in this story than in real life.

The anime timeline is not the same as the manga timeline. Because of the fillers they added in the anime, the Revenge Arc was delayed in the anime. So don't be surprised by the fact that this happened in 1878: I strictly respected what the manga said.

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Author's comments

This story is the result of months and months of work. I put all my energy in this and I sometime suffered from sleep deprivation, indecision and author's block in the process… Thanks to all the ones who read it and thanks to all the ones who reviewed it. It was nice to receive some words of encouragement from time to time.

A thousand times thank you to Kamorgana who helped me during the writing of these last few chapters.

There will be no sequel, but I will happily write other Saitou/Tokio stories in the near future.

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To the reviewers

Special thanks to C.G., Kamorgana, JadeGoddess, MightyMightyMunson, Setine, Aiteane, Aimi-chan, ooka-chan, kitty-jinxx and alice, who took the time to review this story.

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Announcement

I now have a website, where you can find my review replies among some other things. Check my profile for the link. Also, note that if you send me a review for this chapter, my reply will come a few days later, on my website.

Once again, thanks everyone!

Mary-Ann


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